Eps 527: Teenagers, driving and safety

Joyful Courage today is about doing my own work to recognize where I am contributing to the breakdown in communication, owning it, and asking for help with moving forward.

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 00:04
Hello, welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens, this is real work, people, and when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey o'rourdy. I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder, coach and the adolescent lead at sproutable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son. I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you, and I work really hard to keep it really, real, transparent and authentic, so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show, and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring if you love today's show, please, please pass the link around, snap a screenshot, post it on your socials, or text it to your friends. Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Enjoy the show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:33
Hey everybody, hi. I'm so glad to be with you today for this week's solo show. Before I get into content, I want to give a shout out and a thank you to my friend Louisa Lucero for posting a really powerful clip highlighting Dr Becky talking about the three most important things we can be saying to our teenagers. She posted it in the joyful courage for parents of teens. Facebook group, I love Dr Becky. Her work tends to be more focused on the younger years, but this bit of advice from this clip really is gold. It's so so good. And the three things that Dr Becky talks about as being super powerful and saying to our teens, are one. Thank you for talking to me about this. When our kids come to us and want to share, want to tell us about their life or challenges or struggles they're moving through, or triumphs or accomplishments or whatever, it's important that we say to them and acknowledge how grateful we are that they're talking to us. Thank you for talking to me about this. The second thing we get to say to our teens that's really useful and powerful is, I believe you. I believe this experience is hard for you. I believe that this is how you're feeling, right? And then the third thing that she talks about, which you know that I love is Tell me more. Tell me more about this, right? We want to keep our kids talking to us. We want to make sure that they know without a doubt that we're a safe space and we believe in them and how they're feeling and experiencing the world. So I love it. I love it. I love it. And I always am so grateful to see content from other parent educators that are similar or the same message that what we've got going on here right? Big thanks to Louisa for being inspired by this content and for bringing it into the group. I so appreciate you. I also got great feedback this weekend about the question that I used last week. So what I've been doing on the solo shows is really pulling from the community and answering posts and questions that I'm getting specifically in the Facebook group. And last week, I did that, and I heard from the parent over the weekend. The parent shared I wrote about my 14 year old who is unmotivated, or it could be that he's uninspired. What a powerful distinction to consider your talking points helped to shed some hard truths in areas where I need to grow and how I personally show up and connect with my son. I'm reflecting on the ways I was raised and how that might be trickling down into my parenting style. Also, I am learning to love the kid I have, not the one I wish I had. I loved getting this feedback from this mama. I'm so appreciate the time she took to write me and to hear that the show was useful to her and to so many others. It was a great runway for this week's interview. Also, did you listen to that with Janelle charity? We talked about school refusal and school avoidance, and you know, it was a messy conversation, because it's a really messy challenge. I'm very familiar with this challenge. I know many of you are as well, and my hope is that you listened to Monday's show and you took away some things to support you in moving through what you're going through. One of the threads that I wanted to pull from this week's interview show and bring into today's solo show is trust, specifically trusting the process, but also trusting our kids journeys, trusting ourselves, right? This is really hard to do, no doubt, especially when our brains are full of worst case scenarios, future tripping and just the spin out spiral that can happen when we're raising teenagers. I get it, I get it. I know it. I live it. It's real. We can't know the future, but we can live more fully in the present, be more connected and have more peace when we learn to trust. So let's see how this can come to life by using a challenge that was shared by a parent in the joyful courage for parents of teens Facebook group just this last week. So every once in a while, I put a call out, like, hey parents of younger teens, how's it going, or, Hey, parents of older teens, how's it going. And it's an opportunity for people in the group to jump in and share a little bit highs and lows about what's real and relevant to them. So this is what I heard from a parent this week. So my kiddo is 15, and peers are beginning to drive as they are all starting to turn 16 and get licenses, I feel very unprepared on how to navigate this new freedom and responsibility. My kiddo is one of the younger ones of her year, so she'll be among the last to be driving, and her getting into other cars with new drivers makes me nervous. We've talked about seat belts, speeding, drugs and alcohol, and that she can always call me and I will pick her and her friends up, no questions asked. I just want them to be safe and no one to be driving impaired. How else can I navigate these new challenges and calm my own mama nerves about this? So I love this question again, super real and relevant. Many of you listening are looking ahead at the driving years. Many of you that are listening are perhaps in this new space of new driver. And some of us, like me, are like, Oh yeah, I remember that, and I still am like, oh gosh, Please wear your seat belts. Don't tailgate, don't speed. Do the right thing, right? So I get it. This is super useful for the whole podcast community. So thank you to this parent for sharing. So the first question is, what is the possible reframe, right? So for sure, we all experience our kids starting to drive with a certain level of fear and trepidation. I mean, they're driving a vehicle, they're driving each other around. They're babies. They're babies behind the wheel, right? And they have zero concept of experience over time, right? I remember, like my kids, being real quick to tell me what great drivers they are, right? And it's like, well, you can be a great driver, like you can be really good at staying in the lane and knowing when to use your turn signal, but nothing replaces the experience that will influence your driving over time as you continue to get older, they don't, they don't get that, right? They won't get that until they're looking back and you know, statistics are real, and according to the internet, some statistics on teen driver crashes include that our boys are more likely to crash than other teens. Teen crashes are more likely to occur on week and nights and evenings. Teens are more likely to be involved in single vehicle crashes. Distracted driving is a major concern when we're talking about teenagers, and alcohol and drug related crashes are more common among our teen boys. So again, I just Googled, you know, I googled that AI came up with these statistics. So, you know, there's something to hold on to, there's something to hold lightly. And the vast majority of our kids learn how to drive become new drivers drive on into the future with no major incidents, right? The vast majority of them are just fine, so that's important to remember, too good times, right? Good times for all of us watching our new drivers pull out of the driveway, and again, with two kids who drive, I completely understand the spirit of this post, this request, she says, I just want them to be safe and no one driving impaired. How else can I navigate these new challenges and calm my own mama nerves about this? So let's play with expanding this a. Bit.

Casey O'Roarty 10:06
I am not in any way dismissing the desire for our kids to be safe and staying out of cars with impaired drivers 100% yes please, all day long. And how do we be with the fact that our kids learn through experience. How do we be with the fact that they won't always be safe and they may make poor judgment calls, right? And it sounds like this parent is doing all the things right. She says we've talked about seat belts, speeding, drugs and alcohol, and that she can always call me and I'll pick her up, her and her friends up. No questions asked, right? And now, here's the deal. Now it's time, or you're getting there, for her daughter to practice and for mom to believe that her girl will grow through what she goes through. Trust, not trust your kids will always do the right thing or the smart thing, but instead, trust that you can create an environment that when they don't do the right thing, they believe they can come to you, keyword there, right? They believe they know that they can come to you and you can help them make sense of things and learn how to do things differently in the future. Right? Trust that the mistakes they make and that they will make are a part of their path of development, right? That's a reframe that I wanted to bring just to this conversation, right? That trust we can't know. There's no sure fire. Here's what you do to make sure that nothing awful happens while our kids are behind the wheel. There's no making sure shit happens, but there are some parenting strategies and tools that could be useful. So let's talk about those. What are some of those tools and strategies that are useful as our kids move into the driving years? So the first thing that I would say is keep having all the conversations, right? The topics like drugs and alcohol, texting while driving, safe driving, there aren't they aren't one and done conversations. You get to just keep bringing them up all the time. You get to notice them showing up in the movies and TV shows that you're watching and the books you're reading and the stories you're hearing, right? Just keep bringing it up and not like as a lecture, but more of like, Huh? Isn't that interesting? Do you? What do you think about this? Right? The good news for this parent with a child that is on the younger end of the friend group is that she's gonna get to do a whole lot of observing her friends before she's behind the wheel, and her parent can use the other kids to prompt that and that OB that observing to prompt critical thinking and discussion. So it could sound like this, how are your friends liking driving? Does it seem like many of the kids are following the six month before friends in the car rule? So I think everywhere in the states that that's a rule in the United States, I don't know how it is in other places, but we have this rule where once the kids get their license, they can't be in the car with other kids other than their siblings for six months. So we get to ask our own kids, like, how are other kids navigating this? How do you feel about that rule. How do you feel about your friends following the rule or not following the rule? What do you think makes it hard to follow that rule? Does it seem like your friends or kids you know are making risky choices behind the wheel? How do you feel about getting in the car with new drivers? How's that experience for you? Does it or would it be hard to say no to a friend who wanted to drive you around but didn't have their six months yet? Do you believe me when I say that I'll always come pick you up? No questions asked. So these are just some curiosity questions that are designed to get your teen thinking, while also providing you with a bit more insight around how they're experiencing their world, and the more that you can have open communication with your kids about all the things, the better you're going to feel when they are behind the wheel out there in the world, right? And isn't that what the main request of this parent is help me feel better about this thing that my kiddo is about to learn to do right even as there are no absolutely no guarantees about the choices your kids will be making. The more you can foster communication and relationship, the more you can drop into curiosity for the sake of developing their critical thinking, the better you're going to feel about them being out there, right? Because, as I love to say, the teen years are super messy. They're just messy. And it is all of this exploration, it is all of this autonomy seeking that makes it. Super messy, and we have to just watch. You know? We have to witness. We have to remember this is their journey, not ours. They're exploring their autonomy and realizing that they can make choices for themselves. Their risk assessment ability is not super fine tuned, right? They don't have a lot of experience to draw from as they judge the risks that they may or may not be taking, and sometimes the excitement of a choice outweighs the potential cost if they get caught. And truly, many of them believe that they won't get caught, and lots of times they're right. I mean, we got away with a few things back in the day, didn't we? I mean, there were a few things that nobody found out about, right? There might have been, like me, a lot of things that I got caught doing, but there was a lot that I pulled off. Right as parents, it's really important that we are as explicit as possible around our expectations. And as you know, I'm not a huge fan of consequences, as far as like parental imposed consequences. However, our kids need to know and experience that when you make a mistake with the car, we will be talking through those mistakes, and some of your mistakes may be an indicator that a break from the privilege of driving would be useful, right? So, yeah, I am saying that there may be times where the privilege of driving is revoked. There may be things that happen that leave you feeling like, Huh? My kid doesn't seem to be taking the responsibility of driving seriously. Or, Wow, my teen could use some fine tuning around safety in the car. Or, geez, my kid won't even sit down and have a conversation with me about safety or curfew. Or, you know, fill in the blank, right? And if those things are happening that it is time to take a break and do some more training around this. Driving is a privilege. With privilege comes responsibility, right? This isn't about punishing them for screwing up. Instead, it's highlighting that driving a vehicle is a big deal, and there is a reason that kids don't get to do it until they're ready. And ready doesn't just mean I can keep my car in the lane and I know when just how to stop and go. Ready is also like I can manage my friends. I can stay undistracted, I can follow the expectations of my family, right, and let them know upfront, I'm so excited for you to have the privilege of driving. I remember learning to drive and the freedom I felt the first time I drove away from home or whatever is true for you, and it really is a privilege. As long as you're a responsible driver, you will get to enjoy that privilege if or when it feels like you aren't taking the responsibility seriously or you aren't understanding the responsibility, you'll need to take a break, right? We get to say this up front, and at this point, you can brainstorm together. What does responsibility look like in your home? What does that mean to you so that your kiddo really understands what it is that you're saying,

Casey O'Roarty 18:37
and I encourage you to include being willing to talk about the responsibility of driving in a constructive way as one of those responsibilities, because if talking about driving is a hot button issue, that becomes something where everybody's feeling all bent out of shape around and nobody wants to talk about that's a problem, you need to be able to talk about driving in a Way that is helpful and not hurtful from both sides, and build some scaffolding right in most places, the law does this with that rule around no other kids besides the siblings in the car for six months, that's scaffolding. What are some other places where you can build scaffolding that feels good to you? Is there some scaffolding or expectations around time of day when the car could be used? The amount of distance is okay for your kiddos to be driving? Are you going to continue some regular practice with a parent, with the agreement for feedback and remembering too scaffolding is meant to support right and go away as it is needed, as it's needed less, right? So, you know, the first six months you've got scaffolding, maybe the second six months, there's a little less, maybe the second year there's a little less, right? You get to decide what feels good for you and your family. Don't get. Too controlling, though on this, but it's okay. The other piece the parent asked about was calming her mama nerves, right? Remember that having open, honest conversations with your teens is going to be helpful for the nerves absolutely but there's some other things to consider too. One is building and growing your self awareness, right? So when your fear comes up, you get to be really curious about it. Where is this fear coming from, right? Is this fear helpful in this moment, or is it getting in the way of being present? What thought or belief could help you in reframing the fear. So let's look at a couple examples. So one example might be, I'm afraid my kiddo will get into a car with someone who's distracted by their phone or is impaired, right? We're going to reframe that. We're going to create a new thought or belief. It could sound like, Okay, I trust that my kid knows how to communicate with their friends about safety in the car, and we've practiced what to do. We've practiced what that could sound like, and I know they won't get in if they feel unsafe, right? So shifting from Oh God, what if they get in the car and the kids texting and driving or stoned or drunk and oh my god. Okay, hold up. Hold up. What do I know to be true? I trust my kid knows how to communicate with their friends and won't get in if they feel unsafe. And you just get to repeat that over and over. Another example, I'm afraid that my kiddo doesn't have enough situational awareness to pay attention to other drivers. Oh my gosh, which is true. Situational Awareness is learned over time through being in situations, right? But if we sit inside of this fear, it's not useful. So we get to shift, and the reframe or the shift, can sound like, I trust my child's growing ability to be a defensive driver through the experience of driving. Every day they're getting better. I trust my kids growing ability to be a defensive driver through the experience of driving. Right? Can we sit with that that feels lighter, that feels more expansive, that feels more useful? And finally, thanks to my mom for this example, I'm afraid my kiddo will end up dead in a ditch, aren't we all worst fear, right? The reframe, the only way to learn to drive and be a good driver is through experience. That's the only way. You know, we can't keep them from driving, right? And in fact, a lot of you write in and share with me that you're curious why your kiddo doesn't even want to drive. There's a whole group of kids that were like, meh, not that interested. But when we're sitting inside of this fear, this dead in the ditch fear, it's not useful, and we get to trust and remember that the only way to learn to drive and be a good driver is through the experience of driving, right? So there's some reframes for you, and I recognize it's all easier said than done per usual, right? So there's some growth opportunity for this parent and for all of us, right? We have to let go watching our kids drive away for the first time is a peak letting go experience, right? But eventually they're gonna move out, right? They're gonna move out and move on. So we get to really be willing to lean in here and practice that letting go. Our teens are moving towards a life of their own, and if we continue to let our own experience be fueled by what they are or aren't doing, life is gonna be really hard for us, right? We parents. We are here to live full productive lives. That is what our kids are here to do too, and we have to start separating ourselves from their experience and create some space for them to learn their own lessons. So building your self awareness, being willing to reframe your fear into something that's more productive, it matters. It matters for them and their ability to separate. It also matters for you and the quality of life that you are living. Being willing to calm those nerves and trust that your kiddo will grow through what they go through is the practice of the teen years, no doubt. So here's something that helps me when I know that I'm spinning out in fear and uncertainty, and that is the practice of box breathing. So let's do this together. We're gonna we're gonna practice right now. Maybe you know box breathing Great. Then give yourself a little opportunity to. You do it, maybe you have younger teens. And right now you're thinking like, oh, man, I wasn't even thinking about the driving years. And now Casey's putting all this in my head. Whatever your experience is in this moment, let's practice some box breathing. And so what I want you to do is to inhale for a count of 41234, and then exhale, 234, and again, inhale, 234, exhale, 234, we're gonna keep breathing like this, using the count of four, but this time, we're going to add in a hold of four after the inhale and a hold of four after The exhale. So inhale, 234, hold, 234, exhale, 234, hold 234, inhale, 234, hold 234, exhale, 234, hold 234, notice how you feel. How did that feel? What do you notice? And you know if you want to pause the podcast and do a few more rounds of this to see how it shifts the energy in your body. Feel free we get to work with our nervous system to send the message that we're okay. That's what that breath work does. It sends the message that we're okay. And this is what will allow us to have the space that we need to reframe those fears and come to a mindset that is more hopeful and positive. Your teens, your kiddos, are growing up and making their way out into the world. Sometimes things will go well, sometimes things will go sideways. What they need most is a calm, connected parent that they believe is willing to hold space for them and their mistakes. So yeah, big thank you to the parent who shared this question like I said, I don't know that I've talked too much about driving specifically on the show, but this was really fun to explore. And this is for everyone. You've got this, you've got it. It's really the both and of relationship skills like curiosity, communication and expectation, along with the personal growth work of being with whatever comes up. I hope that this was helpful to all of you. If you're listening and thinking that you'd like some more support, I encourage you to go to be sproutable.com/explore, to jump on my schedule and connect. We can get on the phone for 15 minutes. I can tell you about coaching. I can tell you about the membership program that's opening up soon. You can tell me a little bit about what you're moving through. I can offer some tips. There's so many ways for you to get support through my work. I really, really love it when I get to connect one on one with you. So again, go to besproutable.com/explore

Casey O'Roarty 28:37
and book a short call with me. Other than that, have a beautiful rest of your week and weekend. Drink lots of water, move your body, reach out to a friend, whatever it is that your soul is calling for, listen and do it, and I will be back next week. Bye.

Casey O'Roarty 29:01
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my sproutable partners, Julieta and Alana, as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages, and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at be sproutable.com tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview, and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.

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