Eps 496: Fortune telling and considering that our teens lives are unfolding FOR them

Joyful Courage, today, is being with the tension of what we want most and what we want now.

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 00:05
Hello, Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together. While parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead. It's browseable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Enjoy the show. Hey, everybody, how's it going? How's it going? Man? I'll tell you why. It's a little chaotic over here. It is a little chaotic over here. So this solo show is coming out on the 13th 10th 11th 12th 13th of June and my youngest graduates on Saturday on the 15th and I have family coming in. Tonight. The night that this show drops. I've got family coming in tomorrow. We're doing a big graduation party graduation, and we're leaving town on Tuesday or Thursday of next week. Anyway, life feels really hectic. And I know that I'm not the only one who is feeling that because it is that period of time like I talked about last week of transition right from school into summer and Wowser there was a lot of chat in my community about last week's show. Speaking of last week's show, one of the mamas said Has anyone listened to the latest joyful courage podcast solo show she said I'm definitely ragdoll. And down the mountain with my boy right now. She said are by myself, really, he seems perfectly fine with his choices. And he's soiling the hell out of the nest super early. I love love, love this episode, I listened to it twice already. I love knowing that what I'm creating for you is super useful. So this is really great to read. And then another mom chimed in and said, It was so rich, I've listened to it. And it really spoke to me. So listen, I create the content for these shows straight out of what is showing up in the joyful courage community in the membership in the Facebook group, in social media with my clients, I see you all out there. And I know the ride of parenting through adolescence, it isn't easy, it isn't easy. And for some of us, we get that extra special dose of our own way. Oh my gosh. But then again, it's all relative, right? There's the hard that shows up in your family. And then there's the baggage that you may or may not be carrying that intersects with the hard. There's the culture and society that we live in. There's our level of privilege, there's our tolerance and ability to keep things in perspective. And listen, none of us are fortune tellers, right? We cannot see into the future. We like to think we can, we can't see into the future. We can't know for sure that it's all going to be fine. We also can't know for sure that it's all going to, you know, not be fine. And this is just another reminder that we are always living in the reality of not knowing. But of course, when things feel off the rails, it's so hard to keep your head up and to trust and I think it's really important to keep our kids strength in mind. And I want to remind you, I've talked about this before on the Podcast, episode 462. I think that was earlier this year. being explicit with finding and naming our teens strengths, you might want to go back and listen to that podcast. Often parents will get together and be moan right be moan that's a word. The strengths that their kids are displaying that are inconvenient to parent, right bye cuz Oh yeah, that resolve and that stubbornness and that self assuredness like yes, that's gonna serve you one day, but right now just go to bed, right and no shade here at all, I completely get that tension, right? Because we live in that tension, I really want you to think for yourself, and I just want you to do what I say. Anybody else living in that tension? This will serve them one day, right? When we say that, like, Oh, hey, this will serve them one day. Right now it feels like a shit show. But I know these qualities, this independence, it will serve them one day, what if today is the day? What if their strengths, what's hard and inconvenient for you to parent? What if those strengths are actually serving them right now? And we just can't see it. We're too close to it. We're too meshed in it or too involved, to see how right now is actually offering up an opportunity for the exact right amount of growth and development that they need. Right? What if those strings are serving them? What if the mistakes that they're making our choices? I'm not going to call them mistakes? Right? The decisions and the choices that make us cringe or that we can't really wrap our heads around? What if those are actually the perfect choices for them to build the blocks that they need to get to the next level that we don't even know exists for them? Right. And I think I talked about Rowan last week, I talked about her all the time. So I have my daughter, on my mind a lot lately. She's 21. She's just finishing up her spring quarter at community college, Scott, one more year there, and she's going to transfer over to a four year school. And you all if you've been around, you've heard her talk on the podcast about her experience. And you've heard me share about what it was like to parent in what felt like a freefall of not being certain about what I was doing. And really not knowing like, how is this kid going to take care of herself? How is she going to make her way out in the world? How she gonna survive? Right? I did not know the answer to those questions. And I did not know, when I asked myself Holy shit, is this the right thing to do? The answer was, I don't know. I don't know. But I'm going to trust that it is. I'm going to trust myself. I'm going to trust my kid. I'm going to trust the process. I'm going to find my surrender. Like I literally have I said this before I have the word surrender tattooed on my body, I'm going to do the work of radical acceptance. Right? That was my experience. And lately, it's been so interesting. She has been really open with me about her mindset, and how she's creating the life that she wants. Like she's talking to me about all these realisations that she's having, you know, she wants to go to med school. And she's like, Yeah, this is my kid that dropped out of high school, by the way, she wants to go to med school. And she's like, I realised that I don't have time to be irresponsible. And that's really hard to accept. But things that I do are either going to help me or hurt me. And I want to keep moving forward. And I want to find success, and I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish. And so I have to choose into doing things that are going to help me and not hurt me. Right? I mean, she sent me this text last week, and I just thought to myself, Oh, my gosh, there's so many adults that I know that have not come to this realisation. She is so inspiring to me and so grounded and so thoughtful, and intentional and self aware. And guess what, guess what you guys all have this is the direct result of what she has grown through over the last five years. Right? This is the direct result of all of what was hard what she moved through what she learned and grew through. Maybe I talked about this last week, I don't know. But I'm talking about it again right now. Because it's just like, incredible. To me. It's amazing. I never would have saw, I didn't have the vision when she was in the gauntlet and we were like, Oh my God, what's happening? Like I couldn't even predict where she is right now.

Casey O'Roarty 09:25
I mean, regardless of where she is right now, like we can't predict, we can't predict I did talk about this last week. Anyway. So your kids are moving through their own unique life experiences right now. And these life experiences are growing them. They are flexing their strength and figuring it out. And it may not be that fun for you. In fact, I know it's not that fun for you because I hear from you. I know that you're having the opposite of fun as your kids are exploring what it means to live in the world and be a human and their resolve Have and their independence and their stubbornness, their single mindedness. They're all in this. It's working for them, right? It's working for them, they are flexing it, they are living inside of it, they are trying it on and rolling around in it. And temperament is playing a role, too, right? Some of us have kids that are risk takers. And some of us have kids who are experience learners like experiential learners, oof, raise your hand, if you have one of those. I do my hands up, we can tell them and tell them and tell them what might happen. What could happen, what probably is going to happen, we can give them all the tips, all the advice, all of our amazing, deep learned wisdom. And nope, they got to feel it out. They got to feel it for themselves, they got to roll around in the consequences. They have to know what it feels like to choose to do the thing. So we're going to talk about these kids for a minute. They need to do the thing to feel the results. And when we have tried so hard to get them to see the light without doing the things we're dying when they go there. And they do it anyway. Right, I get it. And of course, like, of course, some of what they're doing is dangerous, could have lasting impact. The stakes feel high. By the way, we always think the stakes are high. We just do. We always think the stakes are high. And guess what, they're never so high that we should get in the way of our kids learning valuable life lessons. I mean, you know, of course, you know, if they're running towards a train, tackle them before they can jump in front of it. Right. I'm not talking about those kinds of choices and experiences. I'm not talking about life or death, but we treat so many of our kids choices as life or death and it's just not. We're getting in the way of them really growing and learning. Everything is figured out double. Okay, everything even the worst things. I had a really good friend in high school. God bless him. He had to spend six weeks in juvie for having psychedelic mushrooms and a scale in his car. He was busted and booked for intent to sell. Yes, six weeks in juvie. Great kid, good friend of mine. We went to Catholic school, and he got into trouble. And guess what? He's amazing. He is amazing. He lived through that experience. He came back to school. I think we were seniors. He graduated, he went to college. He runs his own business. He has two beautiful kids and an amazing partner. He is killing it at life. Right? That is one thread in the fabric of his story. I talked about this before on the pod. I came home with a point five GPA one semester from college. Yeah, not a 1.5 a 0.5. I also got kicked out of Gamma Phi Beta that same semester. For some shenanigans, let's just say that our branding, stopped matching. After I went to my first Grateful Dead show, and there was no turning back. I thought after that. I was like, I want to move to Santa Barbara. I'm just gonna get an apartment and go to the City College. And I'll transfer to UC Santa Barbara. I thought you know, you have a isn't where I want to be. I left for summer camp. Like in a whirlwind. My parents were like what is happening? I left for summer camp. I was a counsellor. And by the end of the summer, a summer in which I never called my parents. I don't think I wrote home. I just totally disconnected. The end of the summer. I called them with tears in my eyes and pleaded, please can I go back to Tucson I really want to go back to Tucson. And I went back. And I was on academic probation for a while. And I stuck around for the next two summers of summer school. And I made up those classes. And I graduated from college and look at me now everyone, look at me now. I'm good, right? I'm good. You just never know how things are going to turn out and how our kids poor choices or whatever choices that we don't love. Right? misguided may be short sighted. You don't know what those experiences are going to teach them, especially when you stay out of the way. So what does it sound like? Let's do a little roleplay we're going to do a little podcast roleplay. So I'm going to do three rounds. And the first round, I want you to imagine being a teen and you've gotten into some mischief and I'm going to respond to you in five different scenarios. So just be a teen. Okay, drop into it. I'm your mom. Listen, you're gonna lose that summer job. If you don't get to work on time. You cannot go to every party this summer. You have to be more responsible. Well, guess what? If I told you you'd get a speeding ticket if you didn't drive the speed limit, so yeah, I told you that a million times. How dare you sneak out of this house? Do you know how dangerous that is? You are grounded? Listen, babe, you're gonna date lots of people just break up. It's not that big of a deal. Well, if you didn't want to do summer school, you should have gotten it together during the school year. Now you just have to buckle down. So taking a deep breath? How are you feeling? How did that go for you? What were you thinking about yourself? What were you thinking about me? What were you deciding to do? Right. Did you feel judged? Did you notice me? Judging? Because I was right. Did I energetically let you know that I thought you were capable, was like sending you a message of hey, I believe in you. I trust you. I have faith in you. So let's try that again. We're gonna do a second round. All right, second round your teen. So we're going to just like erase what just happened and try it again. So babe, exciting times. You get to balance freedom and fun and a summer job? What are you noticing about trying to do it all? Sweetie, you are so stoked about high school. And I know you're anxious to hang out with all these new people that you're connecting with. Sneaking out is letting me know that you feel like our limits are too strict. So let's create a plan that works for both of us. It is so hard to go through a breakup. I see you in this and I love you. Have summer school is a drag for sure. Let me know if you want any support. Okay, those examples? What did you notice? Did you feel judged? Did you feel like I was trying to fix things or kind of try to guide you towards a silver lining? Did I send an energetic message around feeling like you're capable believing that you're capable? But did you notice? Take a minute and you can even go back? Right? You can pause the pod and go back and listen again. Just notice. What are you deciding about me? What are you deciding to do? But really what I want to know is did I energetically let you know that I thought you were capable? And I want to talk about that last question. How do we let our kids know that we think we're capable. I know I talked about this a lot. Some of the ways that we can let them know that we believe that they're capable is we can straight up tell them, we let them know that we believe that they're capable. And we don't try and fix their problems. When we have faith in them. Really, when we have faith in them, meaning they're going to move through what they're going through and make it to another site when we trust the process, their process their journey, right.

Casey O'Roarty 18:14
And, you know, we could even add some strength language to those statements. So again, imagine being a teen, let's try this third round, I want you to notice how you feel. I want you to notice how you feel about yourself, how you feel about me, your parents and any decisions that you're making. So here we go. Man, you get to balance freedom and fun and a summer job. That might feel like a lot. I've seen you figure out what you need to do to get all the things done before and I trust that you can figure it out this summer too. Yeah, speeding tickets are the worst. And I know you are resourceful enough to figure out how to get it handled. You're such a friend maker, I am truly in awe of the ways that you connect with new people sneaking out is letting me know that you feel like our limits are too strict. But let's use communication as we've done in the past to create a plan that works for both of us. It is so hard to go through a breakup and you are just so tender and kind and you really care about people. I see you in this and I love you have summer school is a drag for sure. You're really going to have to lean into that resilience and persistence that I saw during softball season this year. Let me know if you want any support because I'm here for you. What do you think? How did that feel? Right? How did that feel that time and remember, this isn't about the language. It isn't about blowing smoke up our kids ask says it's about being authentic, and letting them know that we see them. And we believe in them. Right? When we don't jump in and say, Oh, you have a problem to solve, and I have a solution, we're saying to them, you can't possibly have the solution. Right? You don't have the solution. You can't figure this out, I'll figure it out for you. We're always sending messages, always. So our work is to really lean into authenticity, and let them know that we see them and that we believe in them. They're going to go through what they go through. We want them to grow through what they go through, right. And that requires us to pay attention to how we're responding to them, and doing an even better job of sending the message that we believe that they're capable, and recognising their strengths and recognising that their strengths are serving them right now. And, again, we don't know how we are fortune tellers, there's no crystal ball, unfortunately. Because right, we can all relax. If I said, hey, they're gonna be just fine, they're gonna be better than fine. They're gonna be killing it, creating the life that they want. They're gonna have healthy relationships. If I could tell you that. And they were moving through what they're moving through right now. How would that change the way that you showed up to it? How would that change the way you responded to it? If I said, they will have no regrets? They will be so grateful for the hard things that they went through. Right? How would that change the way you show up? And, you know, again, this isn't about being permissive. This isn't about like, completely detaching. And being, you know, simply an observer, you are in a relationship with your kiddo. There is a dynamic, right? There is a role for you. Absolutely, absolutely. But I think we get scared, and we take on the role of, Oh, I gotta drive this ship, right, I gotta drive this car, I gotta steer this train. And when we do that, when we respond like that first round with judgement and criticism, and fix it and problem solving, you know, the kind of problem solving that our kids aren't asking for, then they're making decisions that sound like you know what you don't trust me, you don't believe in me, watch me, I'm gonna double down, I'm gonna double down, I'm gonna show you what I can do. Right? And it might be I'm going to be a superstar. Or it might be I'm going to, you know, I'm going to fall deeper into this pit that I'm digging with my amazing shovelling skills, struggling strengths. But see, when we insert ourselves into the dynamic in a way that is hurtful and not helpful, when we're enabling or judging, or criticising, they're not feeling the kind of empowerment that we ultimately want them to feel we're getting in the way of their personal growth and development, especially those kids that are experiential learners. Right? And, you know, what, if this is all true for us to like, what if the hard time that we're moving through right now with our teens, is happening for us as well, for our ongoing growth and development? In this human experience? What if we move through this time of raising adolescents with an open mind with growth mindset, trusting that we're going to be okay, that they're going to be okay, embracing what is being exposed? Like, I mean, we get to start to see like, what are my beliefs about this? And is it true, I've done shows about examining our beliefs, right. And there's so much that we get to develop as humans through the experience, the experiential experience of raising teenagers, and when we are open to learning and growth and changing our minds and being pragmatic, and learning new things, like, I mean, that's just a part of our human evolution, right alongside these adolescents. I mean, come on, you know, I love this conversation, and basically repeat it over and over again, a billion different ways every Thursday in hopes that it lands just right for you. But I just I get lit up by the whole personal growth part. I mean, it's cool. It's cool. You know, and I again, like a couple of you that I know deeply that I work with that I adore, you know who you are. I know it's dark. I know it feels like relationship is fraught. I know it feels like out of control, and I just want to first wrap my arms around you give you a big energetic hug and I want you to live inside a world where you move through it, and the relationship that exists right now is not the same relationship that will exist forever. And things will ebb and flow and your kiddos are going to be okay. And because of how you are navigating right now, you are going to get to enjoy a relationship with them later. How about that as a long term goal? Ah, that's it. This is it. This is what we get. Notice where you are in resistance, and practice doing more accepting, it's actually pretty fun to see how things unfold, let your kids surprise you. Delight in their strengths, name them, they are trying to make sense of the wackiest time of life, right. And depending on who they are, and what their family system is, and what you all have been through. There are so many layers to that, and you get to witness it, you get to love them through it. Right? You get to love them through it. So wrapping it up, I'd love to know, what are your takeaways from this week? Where are you getting in the way of your teens learning through their experience? And what are the qualities or the strengths that your teen is currently flexing into? And you know what I'm thinking about that second question, where are you getting in the way of your teens learning through experience? Like we all have a certain tolerance for what we can handle as far as like, okay, sure, I'll let them learn through that. I'll let them get a B, or a C, or a D, or an F, I'll let them fail a class, let them right, I'm cracking up at that word. Or I'll let them learn from getting a speeding ticket, like in our example, or I'll let them learn through summer school, like, I'm just kind of sitting with like there is, you know, a safety net that we want to throw down so things don't get too hard. And I just want to acknowledge that. Right? I just want to acknowledge that we all have a certain level of tolerance. And, you know, maybe this week could be an opportunity for you to just kind of explore and discover what is your level of tolerance for your kids decision making and possible consequences. And can you stretch a little bit further in your tolerance? What would happen? Yeah, I just want to invite you into that because I feel like I feel like that's good stuff. All right. So there you have it another Thursday. And next time I talk to you, I will have a high school graduate. Oh my gosh. Oh, I wanted to tell you all to I saw this great thing on Instagram. I can't remember where so I can't credit it. But I saw something on Instagram that said, I am not an empty nester. I'm a bird launcher. I'm a bird launcher. I love that. So to all of you that have been launching birds over the last few weeks, through high school graduations or even college graduations, I salute you.

Casey O'Roarty 28:13
I am you. I see you. May we all be bird launchers one day, and yeah, drink some water. Take a walk. Sit out in the sun for 10 minutes get that vitamin D and I'll see you next week. Bye.

Casey O'Roarty 28:33
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my spreadable partners, Julieta and Alana as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at B sprout double.com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.