Eps 434: Navigating challenges while also having faith in our teens

Episode 434

This week I talk about how it keeps coming back to owning our own sh@t. This is the juicy spot. This is where the real transformational space of parenting exists. This is where we get to nurture AND ENVIRONMENT that is safe for our kids to step into. This is where we can start to dismantle the walls that have been built over time and make room for connection.

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Takeaways from the show

https://www.besproutable.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/IMG_5159-scaled-e1724092607355.jpeg
  • Reflections on my convo with Ian and the theme of letting go
  • Every one of us is working through challenges and concern
  • What to remember when your teen is pulling away
  • Being intentional with whatever response you are choosing
  • Keeping the iceberg in mind
  • Finding faith and a growth mindset about your teen
  • Doing your own inner work

Joyful Courage…. today this means putting down the distractions and living in an intentional way that moves me closer to the connection, health and well being that I crave.

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Transcription

SUMMARY KEYWORDS
kids, relationship, podcast, listen, peer group, feel, grounding, faith, conversation, dynamic, janae, kiddo, book, huddle, break, behaviour, talking, influence, interview, trust

Casey O'Roarty 00:05
Hello, Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together. While parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead at Sproutsocial. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Enjoy the show. Hey, everybody. Hi. Welcome back to the podcast. It is solo show time you and me today, my friend. And to start, I'm gonna reflect on and use my interview this week to inspire and inform the conversation here in the solo space. So did you listen this week? So last episode I had my son, Ian on it was the day after his 18th birthday that we recorded, which just blows my mind that my youngest is 18 It's so weird. It's so weird. I mean, it's kind of like one of those things, you know, there's certain birthdays, and he mentions this for himself in the podcast. But for me as a parent, there are certain birthdays that just feel like you so huge, right? And this is one of them. Like I'm looking at this kid who is not a kid. He is a young adult, he is a young man. And, man, this birthday really kind of launched him into that space in my experience. And you know, he's been this big person for a while. But adding to that the fact that he's 18 is just mind blowing. Anybody else have that experience? 16 felt really kind of crazy to? I don't know, I remember when Rowan went from 14 to 15 That felt like she had really arrived in the real teen years. Something about being 15? I don't know. I don't know. So as I really listened to my interview with him this morning, and some of the things that I took away that really kind of were highlights, for me was this theme of letting go and handing over responsibility. You know, Ian brought that up a lot in our conversation, meandered into some different places. And that theme remained my hope and sharing the conversation within with all of you is to model best I could what it sounds like to be in a non judgmental conversation and really bring faith and trust energy into how we be with our kids. Right. And trust. This is a theme that's showing up with clients to trusting and having faith that they are learning growing and developing. Right, even when mistakes happen. And listen, Ian is not perfect, right? He is not like this perfect example of, you know, perfection. I think we think that oh, this would be so easier if my kids just didn't make mistakes and we're driven and all of those things. So it gets a lot of absences, which we talked about on the pod. He is not a straight A student. He does things engages in behaviours that I wish he wouldn't. We've had some big things come up that I've had to hold on things that he has shared with me. There are things that I do not love. There's decisions that he's made that I wish he wouldn't have made. Right? So this isn't about, here's how you grow a perfect kid, a perfect 18 year old. It is about an example of here's how you can be in conversation with your kiddo. And maintain nurture relationship through the process. Right? I'm not perfect. Either I micromanage like even just this morning. Well, last night, or maybe two days ago, I asked Ian about when his next appointment with his college counsellor is and he shared like, I don't know, she hasn't told me. And she was supposed to take a look at my essay and the Google Docs, and I can see that she hasn't been in there. And so I offered like, well, you could reach out to her, you could be proactive, and also thinking about the amount of money I'm spending on this person, like, you know, navigating my own, like without judgement about her, but also looking at this opportunity to remind him that being proactive is always a choice. Right. So that happened, and then I checked in with him yesterday. Hey, have you emailed or texted Janae? No. Okay, well, you might want to do that. Why don't you do that right now? Right. And then this morning, again, asked, so did you get that email tech centre? Janae? And he said, No, he said Not yet. And I said, All right, well, you could do it now. And I walked away. And I thought about my interview with him. And I thought about doing the solo show and reflecting on the interview. And I decided I went back into the room he was in and I said, that's gonna be the last time I mentioned reaching out to Janae. And I realised that I'm being a little micromanaging. And he said, Okay, right. So, sometimes, you know, we get to be in our own work all the time, really, we get to be in our own work, and pay attention to what we're doing. Right? Like, I want to get in touch with Janae, I want to be like, Hey, hi. When are you going to, you know, reach out to me and, and the whole reason I got this college counsellor was so that I was not the manager of this process. That's why we did this. And so I get to pull back, I get to do my own work, and let them let her work her magic. Let him be in the process and practices tools. Right. Yeah. And listen, sometimes, you know, things feel more intense than they feel between Ian and I. And, you know, it always comes back to relationship. It always comes back to relationship, you guys. Hopefully, you don't get tired of me talking about this, because it's really kind of the I mean, it's the anchor, it's the core, it's the essence, it's the thing, right? It is if there is a magic wand, which there is not if there is a magic formula, which there is not. It would be relationship. Right? And listen in is, as you're going to hear if you didn't already listen to my interview with him. He's relatively easygoing. Right. And he likes a sense of calm and peace. And there have absolutely been times where I have been on the precipice of losing him, because my own fear and worry gets in the way. Right. He has pulled away we have had situations where, you know, I start to feel this sense of dread and gloom and doom and like, Oh, my God, have we arrived at this time where now my teenage son hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me and is going to just totally retreat? I've been in that place. I hate that place. By the way. It's sad, lonely and scary. Right. And there are some steps to take. When fear is in the room. The teacher has arrived, right? The opportunity to pull up and out and look at what's happening is really available in this moment, right fear can actually be this indicator, this prompt this push towards. Let me take a broader look at this. Right Is something going on beyond the very developmentally appropriate individuation process.

Casey O'Roarty 09:49
I mean, they are going to pull away, right? They're not going to share every single thing with you. That's okay. They don't need to, nor do you want them to. Maybe you do but then when you have All the information sometimes it's hard to hold, right? So we get to be in that question like, is this just typical, like, pulling away? individuation? Or is this something bigger? Is this a response to what I have contributed to the dynamic, right? That's a great place to go doing that internal inventory. I have, like kind of an influx of new clients right now. And this is where I start with people in one on one coaching, right? They come to me because they're worried and fearful of their kids behaviour, and they want to get ahead of it. They want to influence it. And the first place that I take people is towards that internal inventory. How have I been in contribution to the dynamic I'm finding myself in with my kids, regardless of what the kids behaviour is, regardless of if the challenge is school? Or risky behaviour or friend drama? Or, you know, withdraw? I want clients to start with, how have I contributed to the dynamic that's happening between me and my kiddo? Maybe it's around this topic. And I think it's really important because regardless of the behaviours that we're seeing, that we don't like, being able to talk about them, being able to dig deeper, explore, be curious, be encouraging, using the positive discipline tools, we've got to be able to have this like clean space between us and our kiddo. Right? And that cleaning up can happen on our side, right? That's where we have control. Can our kids clean some stuff up? Yeah, of course. But guess what their kids, you're the adult, their kids, you are the adult, and the only thing you can control is what you do your contribution, right to the dynamic into the relationship. Before you can get to any of the issues that are going on, you have to clean up the dynamic, the power and impact of what you do or say, increases exponentially when you're in a mutually respectful relationship with your team. So that's why when I work with coaching clients, we start there, right? How can we infuse this relationship that you have with your kid with mutual respect, right, and the first step is to clean things up to own when you have shown up in any certain way that may have been perceived as judgmental, critical, right. That's what you get to do. And I will say to right that we recently in my membership programme, we do book clubs a couple times a year, and we just this week had our book club meeting for our most recent book, which was eight setbacks to take your kid towards success or something like that. I'm so sorry, the books over there. I can't see it. But it's by Michelle Eichert. And she actually was on the show, Episode 419, I interviewed her about the book, Turning failure into character building moments with Michelle anchored that was the name of the podcast. And, you know, in reading her book, there is when we're really in the muck with our kiddos like this doesn't have to do with n but I'm kind of moving into like that experience of when things are really hard. And big mistakes are being made. She in her book talks about a process her processes contain resolve evolve, right? We read the book in my membership. And in the contained piece, she talks about sometimes needing to decrease our child's exposure. Right. And one of the tools that is brought up in one particular example in the book is grounding, right is taking the phone grounding the kid, decreasing the child's exposure containing them. And in our book club, and because of, you know, the foundation of positive discipline, there was a lot of discussion about this, like, God, this feels really harsh. This feels really punitive grounding as a tool for changing behaviour on the surface feels very much like not useful. And I believe that too. I was having these moments of like, I'm not really sure about this. And I think we can reframe and I bringing us back to this relationship building, right? When containing the child or decreasing exposure is a punitive thing. Right? When it looks like grounding, taking devices is like, Okay, we got to teach them a lesson. Or they need to understand that I'm not okay with that, when we use grounding, or taking their phone away, right, that's always painful as the delivery of the message, it's a shallow surface, short term tool, basically. And again, I'm talking about like, when things are going sideways, right, and we want to do something about it. There is this opportunity to build relationship. And I think, when we can reframe and I've recently, I think I mentioned this already, but we have a six part Podcast coming out after the first of the year with my business partners, Julieta Skoog. And Alana Beebe and I, Jules talks about, you know, the family huddle, right when things are going sideways, bringing this energetic family huddle, meaning time connecting, and filling the belonging and significant buckets, how do we do that building relationship, taking inventory, owning our own contribution to the problem, right? We also fill those belonging and significance buckets by validating the experience that our kids are having, it must be really hard to be out in the world and have a bunch of friends who are, you know, also off the rails? How do you navigate that that must be really tough, right? Validating, listening to understand instead of the judge or fix, listening to understand listening to understand your child better to get to know your kiddo better, to piece together and break through the assumptions that you're making. So that you're actually seeing your kids from a place of knowledge and understanding instead of making guesses, right. This is this energetic family huddle, time to connect filling those belonging and significance buckets. We do that through curiosity, communication, communicating our faith and trust in them. Right, if that's what it looks like, to kind of shut things down, if things have gone kind of, you know, big and sideways, and maybe you're not in the market for a coach, but you do feel like okay, there's some things happening that I'm scared about, I'm not okay with, right. And it does feel like some containment would be useful than containment alongside this energetic, quote, family huddle, right, this relationship building is really important, right. And it's a tough tool to use when the relationship is fraught, right. Also, it looks different for a 13 year old than a 17 year old. So when we've got a 13 year old, or a younger teen who is engaging in behaviours that are scary, that are high risk, right, we want to set the groundwork that this is what we do as a family. This is what we do, as a family, we come together, we process what's going on, and we give you a break from it. Right? Like we will be the facilitators of giving you a break. Remember, this generation coming up, they never get away from their peers, they never get away from the drama, thanks to the smartphone and social media, right, thanks to the adults not seeing what was coming. And now we're in this weird, freefall, it feels like sometimes, so they don't get a break. So we have to create that break, it is appropriate to give them a break. It's not the same as you've done the wrong thing. And now I'm taking your phone, or I want you to do this thing. So I'm taking your phone, that is not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about punitive consequences, because they've made a mistake I'm talking about, hey,

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