Eps 386: Limiting beliefs and our two selves

Today Joyful Courage is taking the time to turn towards my loves, even when the warring self is telling me to step away. It is being with my own discomfort, acknowledging it, and letting it move through me so that I can come back to connection and compassion.

Transcription

SUMMARY KEYWORDS
belief, love, wolf, warring, navigate, life, kids, daughter, year, limited, recognise, infinite, dark, black, relationships, compassion, white wolf, listening, parents, led
SPEAKERS
Casey O'Roarty

Casey O'Roarty 00:05
Hello, Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together, while parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead. It's routable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. Enjoy the show. Hey, everybody, welcome back. Welcome to Thursday. I am happy to be here with you all her usual. Thank you for listening. So yeah, some of the themes that have come up over the last couple of weeks being with life as it unfolds, noticing and staying off the emotional freight train. Having the willingness to change our mind choose something different to point our compass towards what we want most. This has been where I've gone in these solo shows these solo shows are, I feel like are taking on a life of their own. Okay, so I love interviews, right? I love the people that I get to talk to who reach out and are excited to share their thoughts and ideas around parenting and human being 100%. I love interviews. And I do them all the time. And I'm putting them in the bank, and I'm sending them out to all of you on Mondays. And then Thursdays are this really special time where I just get to connect me with you. And I know sometimes these Thursday shows are topical oriented as far as like the whole parenting teenagers thing. But I also feel like, you know, life right now is bigger than how do I get my kids to clean their room? Right and deeper than, you know, how do I make sure that they get home at curfew? There's so much to this human experience that we are navigating right now. Right. And I just have been doing my own work around that. And that's what I am inspired to share here in our Thursday time together. So I hope that you've been enjoying it. And yeah, that's what we're going to do today too. So being with life last Mother's Day, not too long ago, like 10 days ago, we had Dr. Shefali on how did you feel about that? Talking about what it means to be an awakened woman for our Mother's Day special. And yeah, like I said, I know I'm hitting this personal growth stuff hard here on our Thursday shows. And it's just so real and alive for me right now. So and I know it's something that's tapping on the shoulders of the collective to, we all want to be who our people need us to be right to show up, to hold the space and to invite them to step in, share and be in relationship with us. I think we all want that. Right? And we want those same people who we love, live with care about to show up well for us. We want them to see what it is that we need to be thoughtful and caring and concerned with our well being just like we are. There's and this feels good, right? It feels good when we can be validated by the people around us. That validation lets us know okay, we're okay. We're doing the right thing. Right. We're doing a good job, but it's also really slippery. It's really slippery when we need others to be a certain way for us to feel okay. Right. And most of us come out of a childhood and into adulthood with some baggage, some shit to heal some stuff, a lot of which we aren't aware of. We've spent, you know, however many years taking in the messaging, and interpreting the relationships that we have those first 18 or so years, best we can. And we have some beliefs that form due to our experiences. Due to our caregivers, we're in our lives. And now we're adults. Right now we're adults living our own life, forming new relationships on our terms moving through the world. And at some point, hopefully, we start to recognise that there might be some thoughts or beliefs that we hold that are getting in the way of what we want, we start to realise right, that there are some ideas that we might be holding as truth that aren't true. And it's like, we start to realise that the glasses that we're looking at the world through might be something that we can take off and actually see the world differently. For example, next fall, right will be four years since my then 16 year old now 20 year old daughter dropped out of high school. And I'm not going to dive into that if you're new to the show, go to Episode 252, for the full story where she and I talk about that experience. I've spoken about it at length here on the show, so I don't need to get into the depths right now. But yeah, 16 dropped out of school. Now, I was raised with messaging that was really heavy. That value increases with the amount of formal education that you have. Your value as a human is dependent on your education. And it wasn't necessarily something that I thought about or said out loud, I don't even think I realised how deeply held this belief was, until my girl pushed right up against it challenged it confronted it. And this belief started to scream at me from my unconscious, right feeding into my fear feeding into my discomfort, future tripping, testifying, self doubt, all the things showed up. During that time, this belief came out of my unconscious and into my consciousness, and it took me down. And for a while, it really blocked me from hearing what my daughter needed. Right? Sent me into this tailspin of fear. Right? Once I started to uncover and become more aware that this belief was driving my response to my daughter, valid or not, it was driving my response to my daughter, I got to hold it up in front of me and ask, is this true? Is our value as a human dependent on our educational story? Or is this a belief? Do I believe that the value of my daughter comes from how she navigates her educational journey? And what is that? What is education? Right? Is this something I want to hold on to and have as a part of the lens that I see the world out of? Because if I'm going to hold that to be true, then what happens to the value of my kiddo who's desperately said, This is not my path? And I need to take a drastic left turn. Right? If I'm going to hold this belief,

Casey O'Roarty 09:11
how am I holding my daughter? Can I let it go? So there's room to be curious about her experience, and form a deeper understanding of what she's going through? How does this experience we're moving through transform? When I questioned my underlying belief, are there multiple outcomes to the situation? Or only the doom and gloom and desperation? I mean, God, that was such a hard time that I was feeling I chose to drop that belief. Or maybe I didn't drop it because it's really, you know, it's really attached in there, right? But I questioned it. And I consider If there could be a different belief that could live and coexist, side by side, our underlying beliefs, when we leave them unexamined, when we aren't curious, when we don't dig in, they can get in the way of relationship, connection, love, compassion, they can get in the way of other people's experiences. Definitely our experiences, they can keep us stuck in a fixed mindset, or when examined, they can lead us to a place of unlimited possibilities. Right, but unexamined, we are in this limited place. Right? So unexamined my daughter's animacy adequacies. Is that a word? Like she was adamant about leaving school. And had I maintained that belief around education, equal value. You know, her possibilities were really limited, right? That's how I was holding her. And yeah, and that place that limited belief, and that limited possibility, didn't contribute to the pain and suffering did contribute to my own pain and suffering and can send us to a really dark place. And then we're in this dark place, and we act from that place. And the pain and suffering continues.

Casey O'Roarty 11:43
So, there's this legend that I love. And it's of the two wolves. It comes from Cherokee. And there are different iterations of this story. I've been listening to a version of it on Insight Timer by Sarah Blondin. If you don't follow her on Insight Timer meditation app, I highly encourage you to do it, because she's amazing. She has a meditation called the warring self versus the infinite self. And it's really similar to the legend of the two wolves. And I think it's really applicable here, because it's really all about which part of ourselves are we listening to and acting from? When we are in our unconsciousness when we're in that reactive state? And is that what we want? Right? The legend, as shared by a Cherokee grandfather to his grandson is that there are two wolves inside of us a black wolf and a white wolf. And they are always at war. Right? They're always in conflict. And what it represents is that internal human conflict, that internal human struggle that we all experience, the Black Wolf is full of anger and hate, doubt, sorrow, fear, resentment, blame, superiority, envy, raging, right, that's the Black Wolf inside of us. And the White Wolf is full of love, compassion, joy, possibility, kindness, forgiveness, hope, courage, humility. These two roles, or two selves, are vying for attention, for airtime. And they both want what's best for us. But they come at what's best for us from very different places. Both are a part of us. Both believe they are right. And when we think about those two selves, right, the dark self and the light self, the warring self, and the infinite self is Sara Blandon says, which self? Do we want to be leading the way? Right? I think most of us wake up in the morning with our compass pointing towards wanting to move through the world with love, compassion, connection and joy. Right? Don't we don't we all want that? Maybe I'm making an assumption, but I'm gonna assume. And yet, the circumstances of the day, can crack open the door for the dark Wolf, for the dark self, for the warring self and before we know it, we're being led by anger, doubt, resentment are kind of raging around raging in like a lot of different ways. How do we keep that dark Wolf? That dark self quiet? How do we keep it at bay? Well, we learn through the wisdom of the legend is that the black wolf or the warring self as Sarah blonde and refers to it, it's a part of us to be our whole selves. We have to acknowledge that the warring self the dark self, the Black Wolf exists We get to love it, we get to feed it with compassion and understanding. The Black Wolf, our warring self, it loves us so much that it is willing to fight for us. Right, it loves us so much that it is willing to take a stand regardless of collateral damage. That's the way it knows how to protect us. And over time, right over time, the Black Wolf has been fed, it was beliefs that I was just talking about the beliefs about the world that came through our upbringing and experiences, and I'll do whatever it takes to protect us, like I said, right. So it's as if the dark self, the warring self, the Black Wolf, has been raised inside of the conditions of our life. And those beliefs that we hold as true, get cemented in, right. And the Black Wolf just really hangs on to that the dark self, the warring self. This is the emotional freight train, right? I've been talking about the emotional freight train the Black Wolf, the warring self, she's the driver of the emotional freight train. And just like, we learn as a best practice, for a raging toddler, we get to meet that part of ourselves where we're at, we get to validate and regulate the dark self, we get to say, Hey, I see you, I know that you love me and that you're scared. And so you're getting big and Rayji. I know that's what makes sense to you. You get to be here. And I'm going to love you. And I'm going to choose a different way of being with this current situation. I'm going to respond to it in a way that allows for more connection and compassion and love. Right? Yeah. So the White Wolf, the infinite self, our essence, that part of us gets to be compassionate towards the Black Wolf. Right? Our infinite self, sees the inner turmoil, and turns compassion inward. Right, of course, I was freaking out. When my daughter told me she was dropping out of school, of course, I went into a tailwind of fear and anger we all do. When we find out our kids are taking big risks, or our partners aren't giving us what we need. Right? There's something on the inside, that goes into protection mode. And we can't seem to see anything except for the real potential of hurt and suffering, that staring us in the face. So both of these wolves, both of these selves are part of us, they both live inside of us. And the more that we can grow in our awareness of the present moment, of which one is showing up being aware like, Oh, here's the dark Wolf, right? She's feeling protective. She's showing up for me as she does, the more that we can be present to which one is showing up, the better we can get at being intentional with how we're responding to life and to the people that we love. And that's it, right? I mean, that's the big work. That's the big work being ever more present, ever more intentional. conscious, with this moment, right? This is the practice. And, you know, as always being parents of teenagers, the opportunities, the landmines are everywhere for us to practice being in that present awareness. We are currently here in this part of the world wrapping up the school year with our kids and as they move through the scramble, finishing strong getting all those missing assignments in or not, right or not, you have the opportunity to be present with which self is showing up to be with them. Which self is showing up to be with them. Is it the warring self? Right? Is it that disconnected, fearful, panicky, urgent? You know, get them to, you know, do the thing Things at whatever cost self? And if it is, you know, what are the beliefs that you have that their behaviour

Casey O'Roarty 20:11
is pushing up against? Is it a useful belief, right? I did a little PSA on Instagram yesterday, day before, a couple days ago, and just talking to parents about like, Hey, I know where you're at, because I'm there too. It's the end of the school year and we want to be like monka monka monka Monkman, pull it off, pull it off, pull it off. And I encouraged parents to like, be with the possibility that you can let it go, that you can say, hey, I love you, I see that you're wrapping things up. I'm here for you if you need me and letting it go, it being how they're showing up to this end of the year, end of the academic year experience. And, you know, one of the comments was, yeah, you know, my son's a junior has his mind. So I get it. My son's a junior, and grades are so important. And I don't want him to have limited possibilities. And I get that, right. So the limiting belief there is if they don't get all those assignments in if they don't get the grades, that we want, that we think they should get the best possible grades, that their future is limited. That's a belief. Right? That's a belief. And is it true? I don't know that it's true. I mean, as I move through this time of life with my junior, my son, I've already you know, Rowan is in college right now and is moving, you know, towards certificate certification that she wants? Was her future limited by her decision to drop out of school? Her future just shifted? I don't know about limited. I mean, when you put it in the confines of will they get into every single school available to them? Well, then yeah, I mean, but so I just spent time with a friend and in the Bay Area whose daughter graduated with a 4.3. And is like, crazy involved, extracurricular amazing, you know, extra, kiddo. And she got a lot of rejection letters. You know, she's aiming high, aiming really high, which Good for her. But I just think we get to change how we're holding our kids potential and our kids future and our kids, you know, story? And what if we can recognise that how they navigate and intersect with this end of the school year is actually up to them and not up to us?

Casey O'Roarty 23:01
And what if we get to say, I see you, I love you. I'm here to support if you need me, let me know. I trust that you're capable, and pulling off whatever you want to pull off. Right? Are you so committed to your belief around limited possibilities, if they don't get all their assignments in and get good grades on their finals, that you're willing to create disconnection and hurt in the relationship? Right? Because when we push and push and push that can happen? Are you willing to take their behaviour personally also not useful? Or is there a gap? Is there a wound inside of you that's been conditioned to look for tending outside of yourself? Right? I'm okay when you're okay. I'm okay. When you follow through and do what I ask I'm okay. When you validate me in my experience, this might not be this is definitely something that I that I work through that I am working through. Can you invite the White Wolf of compassion in to love that discomfort that comes up? And can you let the White Wolf the white self, the light self, the infinite self remind you that you listener, you have everything you need to be okay. It exists inside of you that tending that validation you can trust? Or can you trust that others do too, including our kids, they have everything inside of them to navigate what lies ahead? Can you allow space for your infinite self to soothe you, as you remember that uncertainty is a part of life and not something that you need to protect yourself from? Like there is no protecting from uncertainty. You do not know what life is going to bring you. You don't know. The joys Right, the opportunities, the pain, the hurt the grief, you don't know. Right? So can you allow yourself to soothe that inner turmoil around that not knowing and that uncertainty, can you play with the idea, that softness is not a weakness. And as Sara Blondin says in that meditation towards the end, returning to softness will set you free. And softness, is that place where we recognise our beliefs are limited. Right, and we let go. And we show up with kindness. compassion, love. softness. Wow, I know, I've been really leaning in, like I said, at the start to this personal growth stuff on these solo shows, but I'm just feeling it. And I'm feeling the question, right being with the questions. Can I can I show up this way? What would my life look like? My relationships look like? If I show up this way? Right? Maybe it's the witnessing of my own kids. Just like transforming you guys transforming before my eyes. Right? I my daughter, my sweet daughter, who moved out a few months ago. She's living on her own. She got really sick last week, and ended up in the hospital. And she's okay. She's actually she's fine. But it was really scary. And witnessing her navigate that with so much grace and strength, and groundedness. I mean, I saw my young adult daughter, who is absolutely okay, the same kid, who, almost four years ago, my beliefs led me to think, how can she possibly have a future? How can she possibly make a life for herself? If she drops out of high school? Like, how can this possibly end up as a good outcome? You know, fast forward, and here she is navigating a health crisis as a 20 year old, which means I had to leave. When visiting hours were over, I had to leave her at the hospital. I had to get there in time for the doctor's visit to see her. And they didn't wait around for the parents, because she's 20 years old. So I had to show up in here, all the doctor already came. And here's what they said. And they delivered it to her because she's 20. You guys, it was very, it was it was weird. It was an It was awesome. Because my girl, she had a sense of humour. She, you know, wasn't anxious. She was meeting life as it was unfolding in real time. And I got to see that she's gonna be just fine. She is just fine. And she can navigate the uncertainties of life. And it was awe inspiring, right. And then I got to meet a guy that she's dating yesterday. And I was, you know, saying something telling a story. And he looked at her and said, You're just like your mom. And when I heard him say that I melted, not because I want her to be just like me, but because I'm so inspired by her that the idea that I actually reminded him of her was such an honour. Right? Because I am inspired by her. I want to be like her. So yeah, I mean, witnessing my kids, and then my son. I mean, he's just live in live in his life. He's got a job, and he's wrapping up school and some summer basketballs happening. He's got this girlfriend like, she's good, like, he is doing so well. At lifing. And I'm just inspired. I'm seeing them, you know, and they're developing their own beliefs and their own opinions of the world. And, you know, I'm recognising that my influence is shifting now more than ever, and I get to see who they are and love them for exactly that. And it makes me think about that quote from Khalil LeBrons poem. Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, yet, they belong not to you. I'm really, really experiencing this right now. And it's kind of awesome, right? I mean, it is awesome. You know. So the goal as I see it is being with the people we love and releasing ourselves from the entanglement of being reactive to them to their choices in their lives. And instead it's about being with ourselves, being present, conscious, awake, aware, with ourselves as we navigate the relationships that we have with our kids, with our partners, with our friends with ourselves, and strive to be as conscious and present as possible. This is where love and freedom exists. This is it. Are you with me? Are you with me listener? Oh, my gosh, that was a lot. I hope it made sense to you. I hope that you're taking away some thoughtful reflections. And if you need to listen to the podcast again, feel free. I'm going to make sure that links to the Cherokee legend and Sarab London's meditation and colonial bronze poem are on the show notes. So you can visit those and check those out and make sense of them as you do right apply them to your life. I love you, my joyful courage community, my listener, I love you. I'm so grateful to have you walking beside me. As we navigate this life, right? Most of us are moving through midlife. And that's a whole trip of its own. Right, like, Wow, I'm so happy not to be alone. I'm so happy to have this platform to connect with you. And yeah, just really appreciating you. I will be back next week with more things to ponder or things to ponder. Have a beautiful, beautiful day and reach out. Reach out if there's anything here that you want to explore further.

Casey O'Roarty 32:09
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my spreadable partners, Julieta and Alana as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at B sprout double.com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.