Eps 127: A solo show about WHY our job is to hold space for our kids and HOW to do it

Kids do better when they feel better. – Jane Nelsen

Kids want to succeed, they don’t always know how. – Ross Greene

A Misbehaving child is a discouraged child. – Rudolf Dreikurs

Humans are always moving towards a sense of belonging and significance, am I connected? Do I matter? – from Aderian Theory

The most powerful tool you have for influencing behavior is the relationship that you nurture with your child. Choosing into the work of Joyful Courage, which really means being willing to grow and practice awareness, being present to your child and your experience, and hold space for your kids, no matter how they are showing up, THIS will nurture and preserve relationship.

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Hey everybody, welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. Conversations you'll hear on this show are all intended to offer you tools for moving forward, expanding your lens and shifting your narrative to one of possibility, connection and empowerment. When we bring deep, listening, acceptance and courage to our relationships, we are doing our part to evoke it in the world. I am thrilled to partner with you on this path.

Hey everybody, how's it going? How's it going? It is January 16. Whoa. I am three days away from having a 15 year old in my house that is blowing my mind. And oh my gosh, guess what she's gonna do for her birthday. She's going to a rap concert. Yes, kind of an underground, little known rap concert, and I'm having some feels. She does have an adult chaperone going with her. She's going with a friend who I really like, but holy cow, yeah, mind is blowing off right now a little bit about my personal life. Yeah, I just thought that you'd want to know keeping it real over here. And yes, thank you so much for listening in to this solo show. I wanted to give you a little update. We're halfway through January 2018, and oh my gosh, full speed ahead on joyful courage. I'm so excited for this year. I'm so excited for this year. I've hired someone to help me, like, clean stuff up on the website, really pull all of my offers together, so that you have many different ways to step into the work of joyful courage, which is so awesome I have. Well, tonight is the very first group coach call for the membership program for the 2018 members. Super excited about that. If you're still thinking like, wait a minute, I forgot I wanted to do the membership, you can totally do that. Just go to joyful courage.com/living-jc, joyful courage.com/living-jc, dot com, slash living, dash, JC, that will get you to the landing page and you can join us. Or maybe, if next month's a better month for you, just join us then. But I'm super excited to be on a live call with members tonight, the 2017 group of people that went through the membership. We're doing calls alumni, calls e courses are coming out, I'm working with new clients. It's so awesome. I love my work. And what I really love is how, over and over and over again, what is happening in the collective is happening in the individual. The things that we talk about, you know, the things that you see in articles, blogs, on TV, like those things happening out in the world are also things that are happening in the individual. When I speak to you on the podcast, when I'm speaking to people going through my programs, when I'm speaking one on one to clients, I love that I'm also speaking to myself. We're all on the journey together. It's so amazing. And lately, lately, what I've been finding myself talking a lot about and practicing is trust, trust, recognizing the big picture, right? Childhood is a short part of the grand lifetime timeline, right? And everybody is going to be okay, like we're all on our own path, and our kids are going to be looking back and remembering childhood, right? And they might need a little therapy. That's okay, nobody. I mean, we all need a little therapy, right? This work is a marathon and not a sprint. So today on the show, what I'm going to be talking about is really holding the space. We hear that, that phrase thrown around a lot, holding the space. Or, as my good friend Jessica, who had been a participant in one of my programs, said, you know, Casey, I feel like my job is to hold the container, and my kids job is to bounce around and be all crazy. So that is where we're heading. Today, we're going to talk about how to be present, available and confident, even as our kids are making mistakes, present, available and confident, even as our kids are getting into mischief and making mistakes because we want the message to be I got you. I am unconditional. I've got you all right, that's where we're headed. So as you know, I am a parent coach, right? So I work in small groups, I work in online groups. I work with um. One on one. I work one on one with clients, and it's really interesting. When people seek me out. They really want to know how to fix their kid, right? They want to know how to change behavior. They want to know how to make them stop doing what they're doing. They want those kinds of tools. And as you know, if you've listened to the podcast or you've worked with me, I am really all about the idea that who we are, who we be, comes before what we do. We cannot skip the personal work. We just can't we have to be in response versus reaction for our kids, and any parenting tool that we try on, if we aren't working on our own personal growth is often going to fall flat. Right? It might get us the results we want in the short term, but in the long term, the skill development, the relationship that doesn't really happen when parents aren't understanding and appreciating settling into the work of noticing our gaps. Do you know what I mean by that? Like, everything's good, and it's funny. I just recorded a podcast this morning with Brian vondruska, and we talked about having a parenting purpose. He'll be on in a couple, a few weeks, maybe six. He might be on in March, but we talked about having a parenting purpose, and we talked about how kids often, they are the ones that really, really help us to see the areas of growth that exist for us, right? Because if you notice that you're getting mad a lot of the time, if you're feeling resentful, a lot of the time, if you are going Zero to 60 enraged a lot of the time. Yes, it has to do with your children, because we are in relationship. But more than that, more than that, it has to do with your lacking skills, like your lagging skills, where you could be doing a little bit more work. That's what I think. And I think that parenting is this amazing opportunity to see the gaps, pay attention to those gaps and say, You know what, I want to be better at that. I want to, I want to do the inner work. Because when we do that right, when we do that, the message that we're sending to our kids when we can show up regardless of what's happening for them, when we can show up as present and available and confident, like when that's the vibe they know that we can handle things, everything will be okay, right or not, Either way, we're gonna stand by our kids, and by standing by our kids, I'm not saying like making excuses for them solving the problems that they're having. Like, that's not what I mean by standing by our kids. I mean like standing side by side our kids while they navigate the consequences of the world while they solve the problems that show up in their life, whether they're problems that were made by by those same kids or not, right, standing by them, being unconditional in love and support for them, not helicoptering, not rescuing, but supporting, trusting that they can handle what life gives them.

That's how they actually not only develop a sense of like, Oh, if you you're confident in me. You think I'm capable of handling this, then maybe I can think that right? So that's really, that's a really, really important message to be giving to our kids. Really important message to be giving our kids. And the only way we can do that, the only way that we can stand by them and allow them to feel the weight of their mischief is if we are regulated, if we are in our calm, presence, patience, right? We've got to do the work of practicing being in that mindset. So many clients have been reaching out to me over the last four or five months. I think it's funny because, of course, if you've been listening to the podcast, you know that I have lived through the transition into high school with my daughter, and it's been a tumultuous And funny enough, people are fighting. Me with similar stories who want to work with me, and yeah and so, and what they want most. When the question becomes, what do you what is the what is the outcome that you want of this coaching relationship? More often than not, they're saying I want, I want my child to I want to be have a good relationship. I want them to be honest with me, right? And I can remember back and you all have heard Amy Lang on the podcast. She talks about birds and bees and kids, and she's been on a few times. I love Amy. If you don't follow her, you need to go to birds and beesankids.com she's on Facebook. She's all over the place. She's brilliant all the hard talks. She's got your back. Amy talks about how important it is to be available and to be willing to talk about the really tough things so that our kids know that we can handle it if we can't say penis in the vagina to our younger kids when we're talking about, where do babies come from? How are they going to believe and trust that we're going to be able to handle it if they get into precarious situations when it comes to, you know, emerging adult relationships when they're teenagers, right? We want them to come to us, but the only way that they're going to come to us is if they trust that we can handle what they're bringing. Same goes for conversations about drugs and alcohol, right? If, if your child thinks that you are going to freak out, if they're curious about about drugs and alcohol or vaping, they're not going to come to you, right? So this work, this way of being, is about showing that you're available, that you can handle it, that you're going to love them no matter what right it's also a place where we get to check our non judgment at the door and then what to do. Because remember, I said, who we be comes before what we do. So we want to know what to do, what to do becomes more clear when we practice being in the moment versus being in our emotional overwhelm and our fear, which can show up really quick, right? So learning how to recognize we're there when we're there. And by there I mean triggered, emotional freight trained, overwhelmed. Like, you know that place where you go, where you're like, wow, oh my god, freaking out, often generated by fear, right? So learning to recognize we're there when we're there, practice being with our overwhelm without letting it take us over. This is so key, practicing being with our overwhelm without letting it take us over. So what I mean by that is, when you're triggered, right? It's so uncomfortable, it's so uncomfortable, or you're afraid, or you're feeling out of control, it's such an uncomfortable place to be that we naturally move towards. I gotta do something. I gotta say something. What happens when we start to be willing to just simply recognize I'm in the overwhelm. I'm going to be in it for a few minutes, right? I'm going to be in it for a few minutes. It's simple. It's a simple thing to request, but it's not easy, and it takes time and practice. What we're trying to do is rewire our brain, right? Tina Bryson was just on the podcast last week, fabulous, fabulous show. I hope you listened 126 rewiring the brain. If we don't practice a new way of being, we're going to continue to react the way we've always reacted. So we have to practice and when we are, you know that idea of being with the overwhelm without letting it take us over. So another way of saying that I've talked a lot about the emotional freight train, I'm actually writing a book that's gonna come out next fall. Yay about the emotional freight train. So this is about witnessing, like being witness to the present of the emotional freight train, but letting it idle, right? So the metaphor is, sometimes things happen and the train, the emotional freight train, shows up, picks you up, off you go, and you're just kind of hanging on for the ride. And meanwhile, you're like, blah, blah, blah. How could you How dare you do. You know, you always, you never, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah happens right on the emotional freight train, and then we feel really crappy and wish that we would have done things differently, typically. So this is being witness like, oh, the train is here, the train is pulled into the station, but we're gonna let it idle. We're not gonna let it take us to crazy town, right? And when we can let it idle, it helps us to get a little bit of space right, to create a little bit of a pause, and then to choose into, okay, right? This is where, this is where I'm gonna breathe in those intentions that you've heard me talk about a million times on the podcast, right, present, connected, loving, playful, whatever the intentions are that are right for you to be practicing. This is where you practice it. And then in that place, there's space for how should I move forward in this situation? And sometimes moving forward is we need to take a little time apart. Sometimes moving forward is curiosity, right? Sometimes moving forward is simply saying what's happening as it's happening. Our kids make mistakes, right? They show up lacking skills. They have really poor impulse control, and it's and their brain is in development, right? It takes 25 years for a brain to be fully developed. 25 and when they hit adolescence, it's a total restructure. It's really crazy town. So stop being and I'm talking to you. I'm talking to myself, stop being surprised by your kids making mistakes, because that's what they're designed to do. That's what they're gonna do. And it's not that they're being naughty all the time. It's not that they're bad, it's not that they're manipulative. It's not that they, you know, are have a vendetta against you. It's that you know they they're looking for cause and effect, right? Especially when they're really little, like toddlers, three year olds, four year olds, they're looking for cause and effect. They are exploring their environment. How you respond matters. Pushing boundaries is how they know where those boundaries are and who you are in the process, right? Pushing boundaries is how they know where the boundaries are. And you might be thinking like, Well, I tell them where the boundaries are. We have rules. But even inside of that, well, what happens if I push it just a little what happens if I push it just a little bit more, right? They are going to want to explore those things, and they are making judgments about themselves and you in this process. Can they trust you? Are you safe? Are you dependable? Can you handle them, making mistakes and pushing boundaries. You know, so many parents come to me and they want to talk about, Oh, my You know, my kid lies, or my kid's sneaky, or my kid won't talk to me like a lot of that comes back to what they think you can handle, what they think you can handle. So if you want to have an honest relationship with your kids. If you want them to come to you and talk about the hard things, then you have to show them through action and way of being that you can handle it.

And even with all of this, there's this question of, yeah, okay, Casey, but what do we do? What do we do? And I really appreciated a few years back, I went and saw Alfie Kohn speak, and he wrote unconditional parenting and other books. He's amazing. And I remember when it got time to the Q, and a part of his talk, he said, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I have all the answers to all of your problems I don't know you or your families. And what I appreciated about that was that he was really honest about this isn't like a packaged deal. It's not three steps and you're and you're going to be fine. It's not a magic wand, right? And the the expert on you and your family is you, right? So I really appreciated that my questions when I am when I'm approached by Yeah, but what do I do? The questions that I ask are, what are the outcomes that you want? What are the skills that you are hoping that your adult child will one day embody? What are the skills your child is showing you currently through the behavior? What are they showing that's missing? What's the solution to the challenge that will help them learn those skills?

Is there something to make right inside of your challenge? Can you. To parents, say less and listen more. Now, remember, this is key. Finding solutions to problems which include a plan for next time or a plan to fix the mistake or make things right. Finding solutions to problems are always consequences. However, consequences that we impose on our children are not always solutions to the problem. I know that's a mind bender. Solutions are always consequences. Consequences are not always solutions. It's a mindset shift, right? And when we ask, what do we do really? Sometimes that request is, what do we what do we need to do to them to get them to do what we want? So check yourself if that's kind of somewhere you go. And I'm going to leave you now with a couple of quotes that I love, that are helpful to me. They might be something you want to post around your world. Kids do better when they feel better. Jane Nelson, author of positive discipline. Kids want to succeed. They don't always know how. Ross green, raising human beings a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. That comes from Rudolph dreichers, who wrote, children the challenge and humans are always moving towards a sense of belonging and significance. They're asking, am I connected? Do I matter? And that's really that's from Adlerian theory, which is the basis of positive discipline that belonging and significance. Kids want to feel connected, and they want to know they matter and have influence. The most powerful tool you have for influencing behavior is the relationship that you nurture with your child when you choose into the work of joyful courage, which really means being willing to grow and practice awareness, being present to your child and your experience, and holding space for your kids no matter How they're showing up, this will nurture and preserve relationship. So what do you think? What do you think about all that? Does it make sense? Do you have thoughts about this? What's what's stirring up in your brain? Will you do me a favor and head over to live and love with joyful courage on Facebook, it's a closed group for listeners and parents that appreciate this conversation and are committed to learning and supporting and celebrating each other on the journey. So head over, go over. There. Are you there yet? Do it. Thank you so much for listening. So appreciate all of you, moms and dads out there doing the work of making the world a better place through showing up. Well, for your kids, I'll be back next week with Liz Blackwell Moore. We're talking about teens and drugs. Woohoo. I know it's scary, but listen anyways, because she's brilliant and the conversation is super helpful. So I will see you then and until that time. Big Love, Big Love, big love. Have a beautiful week. I talk a lot about the internal experience of parenting here on the show, and I know for many of you, this isn't something that you think about a lot of the time. It is all good, my friends, I have a really powerful entry level offer for you that will support you in getting more familiar with what's happening for you internally in those really challenging moments. It's called Journey to joy. Journey to joy is a three part offer. Each part contains a video and audio and a workbook to guide you in your internal exploration. You will go from awareness to choice to action. Part one will support you with increasing your awareness around the areas where you're stuck. You know, the irritation that never seems to go away, the exhaustion, the guilt and shame that shows up so often. Part Two will guide you in spending time exploring new choices and new ways of being inviting in the qualities that are missing, love, compassion, self acceptance and non judgment, you will learn how to open up your body and allow these emotions in. And finally, part three will support you in creating a practice for teaching your body and mind a new pattern, making this new way of being more readily available when you need it, when you shift the dynamics in your being, you will shift the dynamics in your home. This is a self paced offer a steal right now at $29 if you're looking for a baby step into the work of joyful courage. This is a great place to start. Head over to www dot joyful courage.com/joy. To say yes. Joyful courage community, you're amazing. Big. Thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris man at pod shaper. Be sure to join in the discussion over at the live in love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts or really, anywhere you. Find your favorite podcast, you can view the current joyful courage swag over at the web page, intention, cards, bracelets, e course offers the membership program, one on one coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look. Simply head to www dot joyful courage.com/yes. That's joyful courage.com/y. E, S to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to [email protected] I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find a balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay.