Eps 327: Revisiting Fiercely Committed, Lovingly Detached

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Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Often we attach getting it right to our kids, looking, acting, accomplishing things in a certain way. But I'm here to say that's bullshit. Our kids are here just like we are to move through life and evolve as humans. They're here to make mistakes, to have experiences that grow them into who they are meant to be, not who we think they should be. Hello, my friends. Welcome to joyful courage, a conscious parenting podcast where we tease apart the challenges and nuances of parenting through adolescence. I'm your host, Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer and adolescent lead at Sprout Ebola, company that represents not only the growth of children, but also the journey and evolution that we go on as their parents. I am walking the path right next to you as I navigate the teen parenting years with my own two kids here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, joyful courage is all about grit, growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. I love creating this podcast for you, and I love hearing how it matters to your life. Thank you for all of the love and reviews on Apple podcasts. Please keep them coming. Please take a screenshot of this show, share it on your social media. Let others know that you love listening. Thank you. We are over 1 million downloads and 300 plus episodes strong, and you have taken us to the top 1% of podcasts worldwide, I sure do appreciate you enjoy the show.

Hey everybody, how you doing? How are you doing today? As you tune into this podcast, I'm not gonna lie, I am finding myself feeling the push and the pull of life in this moment. This show is coming out during a very busy and exciting week. For me, I'm heading out tomorrow to the east coast to speak at the positive discipline conference in Alexandria, Virginia, that's happening on Thursday, and then leading a two day training for parent educators on Friday and Saturday in the area, I am so excited to meet up with clients and listeners while I'm there, there's lots to do and prepare to get ready for the week, no doubt. And that leads me right into the topic that I want to talk about today. It's one that I've brought up before on the podcast, and it just keeps coming up again and again with clients and in my own personal life, being fiercely committed and lovingly detached. Have you heard me say that before? Does that mantra give you warm fuzzies? Or is it more of like, Oh, God, I love that. But I don't really get it. I am obsessed with this mantra. I'm obsessed with this mantra. I've loved it for many years, and no way have I mastered the invitation that it is. I loved it so much that way back two years ago, I think it was in 2019 I did a whole podcast about it. Yeah, I'll drop that link. I think it's Episode 184, maybe. Yeah, fiercely committed, lovingly detached, obsessed.

I don't know about you, but I really experience life as this continuous unfolding learning experience, I truly slide into the idea of, oh, here I am at my personal growth and development workshop that is my life all the time. I'm thinking about this. I'm thinking about, you know, what can I reflect on? I'm thinking about the experiences that I have, the relationships I'm in, the conversations that show up, and I'm reflecting on them, I'm asking myself, Oh, wow, where did that response come from? What was it that led me in that direction? Why do I feel so rigid right now? How can I show up to this dynamic differently to create a different outcome or different result, what led to this moment or what led me here? So these are some of the questions that I ask myself as I kind of just move through life, right? I, you know, I'm always looking for my own experience inside of the experience, my own perspective, so that I can broaden out and begin to understand that there are multiple perspectives happening, right? I love self reflection. Self reflection is vulnerable and it's brave, right? It's a declaration to ourselves that we have lots. To learn. Like I said, there are many perspectives besides our own, and we might not be right. Yikes, right. Doesn't that feel vulnerable and brave, acknowledging that there is more for us to learn that we haven't just arrived at all the knowledge that we will have forever and ever, but that we're continuously learning and growing and evolving, and we might not be right, that one really gets me, because I like feeling like I'm right. I like looking good, and I like being right. And if we live in a world where there are many, many perspectives, you know, then the idea that our way is the right way, that our opinion is the right opinion doesn't really hold weight and life and parenting. It's not linear, is it? It's not a linear experience. And that, in and of itself, is really exciting to me, thinking about it this way, life unfolds as a spiral, right? It unfolds as a spiral, and we start off on the outer edge of that spiral, and we learn the lessons that were meant to learn here. For me, the lesson is always about control in parenting. This lesson around control showed up with birth. My birth experience was, you know, Ben and I did Bradley childbirth classes. We wrote out a birth plan. We were going to be at the birth center and have our baby with the midwife, no drugs, natural textbook, birth. And guess what? That is not what happened. It's not what happened. My birth was, you know, we spent a lot of time at the birth center, a lot of time at the birth center, like 24 hours we were at the birth center, and things just stopped progressing for me, and I was tired, and my cervix wouldn't open. I hadn't peed. This might be TMI, it was brutal. And I remember in that moment waiting for someone to say, you know, let's go to the hospital and get you an epidural. But I didn't want to be the one that said it. And so eventually, yeah, the midwife was like, You know what? You can do this. We can stay here, or you can go to the hospital and get an epidural and you can rest and you can have this baby. So she really put it out as a choice to me, and I chose to go to the hospital, and I cried the whole way there. And you know, it just wasn't the plan. And for all of you that have birthed a baby, you know that rarely does it go to plan, right? Like it's the ultimate surrender is having a baby come through your body. So this was my like I said, this was my first parenting lesson around letting go and surrendering, around trusting the process and letting go of the narrative that I was holding so tight in my mind. And you know what? I did it once I got there and got that epidural and got a little nap, which is so weird that you can have a nap in the middle of labor, I was ready to go. I was ready to birth this baby, right? And eventually, I did. Still took a very long time, but eventually, obviously, I now have a 19 year old, so I got her out. So moving around the spiral, right? Started off with that lesson. Moved around the spiral, bumping up against it again. My kids getting older, getting more autonomous, finding myself challenged by their behavior, recognizing that I have a choice. I can stay rigid and controlling and think that I can call the shots, or I can learn flexibility right. Flexibility is what's required to let go and find that surrender, letting go of my vision, letting go of my narrative, being with the children that I had right, being able to pivot, being able to look at broader perspective instead of my narrow one way things are supposed to unfold right, Moving around that spiral, learning that lesson again and again and again. Enter adolescence. Oh my gosh, holy cow, right? I mean, you all know my story, unless you're new, in which case, hi, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. You all know my story, right? Adolescence roars in anger, risky behavior, pulling away vape pens, weed, lying, school, refusal, anxiety, depression, ugh, so much stuff came at me. So many opportunities to be in that reflection and to be in the question of, How am I a part of this dynamic? How am I influencing the way that things are unfolding right? Again, learning to let go, leaning into surrendering to the unfolding, and trusting the process. Now, moving through this spiral, right, moving through this spiral, which is life experience. Here's the thing, we keep bumping. Into this same lesson. Whatever it is for you, for me, it's this control, this letting go. The difference each time is that I'm a little more skilled. I'm a little bit more practiced in being with the lesson. Each time it shows up, I'm not the same person I was 19 years ago, 19 plus years ago, when I was laboring with my daughter and experiencing a different situation than what I had planned for. I'm a different person than I was. You know, 14 years ago, when I had a five year old and a three year old who were so autonomous and letting me know that they wanted to do what they wanted to do, how they wanted to do it, and my vision wasn't really a part of their vision. Through experience and ever evolving relationships, I have grown as a mom and a woman, and I am meeting this lesson differently each time, right? I'm meeting this lesson, hopefully more skillfully, not always, each time I bump into it, not that I've mastered it. 2020. Rolls around, really throwing us into the opportunity to practice our skills. Right? Global pandemic. And in my family, global pandemic also came with my husband's cancer diagnosis. He was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, blood cancer. I didn't even know what that was, right. Whoa, what? What is happening right now, again, the spiral really brought that lesson to me a few years ago yet again, and it keeps coming. And this is where that mantra that I had started off this discussion with comes into play, fiercely committed, lovingly detached. I have no doubt that this lifetime is about surrender and letting go for me, I know that this is what I am meant to learn this time around, in this body, in this family, in this lifetime, and I feel really grateful to have identified this as my big growth edge, because I can see it showing up in my life, and I can respond in a way that's useful, not only to me, but also to the people that I love the most most of the time. Does that make sense? So it's almost like I can find some lightness and levity, because I get to say, oh, okay, thank you. Here we are again. Here's the lesson again, right? Where's

my flexibility? Where's my surrender? Fiercely committed, lovingly detached, for me, really speaks into this lesson. So if you are someone who really struggles with control and wanting to know and wanting things to be certain. This is a mantra for you too, fiercely committed, lovingly detached. It is a both, and it's not either or. It's the both and it's the internal and the external experience of life. All right, that's what we are talking about in the context of parenting. Okay, I am fully and fiercely committed to my people, to my kids. I am here to stand with them as they move through life. I am here. I am the soft landing. I am the constant. I am unconditional. I will make sure they have what they need, resources and opportunities. I am fiercely committed. Of course, I will always be there for them. This is the external piece, the what I do in relationship with my teens. Now, the lovingly detached part is the slippery place to me, it speaks into allowing, allowing the unfolding of life. And you know, I kind of say, I'm using the word allowing, as if we could not allow life to unfold. But you know, life's happening. Life's unfolding, no matter what we can be intentional inside of it or not lovingly detached, is being witness to the life our kids, our teens, are creating, and recognizing that it is their life. Lovingly detached is an internal process for us, especially when the choices our teens are making are destructive, right? It's really hard to be lovingly detached when everything inside of our body is telling us to say, Stop. What are you doing, you know, and freaking out, right? So it's that internal process lovingly detached is about letting go of the timeline, letting go of our timeline, letting go of our vision, our attachment to how things should look, letting go of the energetic responsibility that we are holding that is not ours to hold, lovingly detached is saying, Oh, I'm so sorry I've been holding this for you, but actually it's up to. You to, you know, not be addicted to Nick teen or drugs, not fall fail out of school. It's up to you to set yourself up for what you want most. This crazy power dynamic happens during the teen years, and parents get really mixed up, myself included, we get mixed up around what our role is, because we think we see the path to success, whatever that means for our teens, and we take it upon ourselves to make sure they stay on the path without realizing that we're actually robbing them of discovering the path that they are meant to be on. Right? We know the biggest learning comes from making mistakes, but we don't want our kids to make mistakes. We know the most powerful learning comes through experience, but we get really controlling over which experience we allow our kids to have. We forget that every challenge that we have moved through in life has taught us and molded us into the next version of ourselves, and we just get scared of the pain and suffering and try to head that off for our teens, without realizing, without remembering, that this is where resilience and grit and courage are born. This is where we find out what we're made of. Lovingly detached to me, is about allowing space for our teens to move through their mistakes, to move through their experiences, to challenge, or not to challenge, but to reflect on their challenges and their pain and their suffering in a way that shows them who they are and what they're capable of and where they have power. It is not about abandoning them. It isn't a passive move. It's a powerful action. I am here, I say to my teens, energetically, I'm here, and I'm willing to witness your life unfold as you dance with what shows up. Can you tell how much I love this I love this conversation, and I swear every time I talk about, you know, somebody's like, tell me more about fiercely committed, lovingly detached, you know, it's so hard for me to articulate it into words, and so I try and the request, the question of wanting to hear about it again is a great opportunity for me to peel back another layer. You don't know how things are going to turn out, right? This isn't about abandoning your teens and saying, okay, good luck with that. If that was the case, you wouldn't be fiercely committed, right? Remember, it's both of those things. It's the both and both fiercely committed and lovingly detached show up for right now with all the love and support, while also trusting that what is going to unfold will unfold. If you have a teen that you see needs support, needs therapy, needs mental health support, get them the resources that they need, and then trust that they will come to it in their own way, in their own time, they will do the therapy when they're ready to take responsibility for it. You can't force them to do it or do it for them, believe me, I've tried. If you have a teen that's struggling in school, offer them support. Offer them organizational tools, get them the tutors, get them what they need. Also find out what they want when it comes to their life, when it comes to school and learning, and the stepping stones for what's next. And then step back, lovingly detached, if you have a teen that's making risky choices like vaping nicotine or using drugs or alcohol again. Get them the support they need. But even bigger than that, let them know that you're scared, that you're worried, and that you know that you can't make choices for them, that you can't control them, that this is their journey, and that you're there for them. Let them know, as I've said before, you are here to interrupt, intervene and interfere when you become aware of this risk taking, and at the end of the day, it is up to them, whether or not they become addicts, whether or not they get in trouble with the law, hurt themselves or others, and you love them, and you're going to be there for them regardless of how things unfold.

It's so hard. Oh, my God, this parenting teens thing. It's so hard because we all want to get it right, and often we attach getting it right to our kids, looking, acting, accomplishing things in a certain way. But I'm here to say that's bullshit. Our kids are here just like we are to move through life and evolve as humans. They're here to make mistakes, to have experiences that grow them into who they are meant to be. Be not who we think they should be, fierce commitment and loving detachment opens the space for our kids to take responsibility for living the life they want because they want it that way, not because they're rebelling against us or trying to please us, or, you know, getting into mischief because they don't have a sense of belonging or mattering. We don't want to be for them to center us in their decision making. They should be making decisions for them and considering what's best for them. And if there's a power dynamic going on, then lots of times our kids are like, Screw you. Watch this. Watch what I can do right? We want them to consider what's best for them, not what's best for us. They should be making decisions for themselves. They should be developing an inner dialog around how is this going to affect me, instead of, are my parents going to be mad if I do this thing right? And sometimes it takes a minute for them to get there. Remember the spiral? Our teens have their own spiral. They're living on it. They're getting the opportunities to learn their lessons again and again and again, and when we show up, fiercely committed, lovingly detached, they get to learn to be reflective and to grow between the lessons they get to learn to recognize their part each time challenges show up or not, right, they're in development. But the bottom line is, the lessons will keep coming long after they leave us, right? So to embody this concept, I would love to share a little exercise I did with a client last week to tee it up. It is a simple breathing exercise, and it is something you can start the day with, something you can do in the minutes before your teen walks in the door, or you can use it at the end of the day. You can use it whenever you want to, but the main thing is use it on a regular basis, right? Use it so that you can animate and bring this concept to life in your body, so that it becomes more useful in your life. Okay, so here's how we're gonna do it. I want you to bring your attention to your inhale and your exhale. If it helps to close your eyes. Close your eyes. If you can stand tall or sit in a chair, that's great. Right now, we're just bringing attention to the inhale, to the practice of inhaling and exhaling, and I want you to do that a few times. You

now for the next few inhales, imagine that you're bringing to life or animating fiercely committed in your body. Just notice how that feels for you, inhale, fiercely committed, then exhale. Inhale, bringing to life, fiercely committed. Exhale. Now do this for a few breaths on your own.

Now we're going to add lovingly detached to those exhales. So as you exhale, I want you to bring to life, awaken, animate, lovingly detached. Okay, whatever that means to you. Here we go. So we're gonna inhale, fiercely committed, noticing how that feels in the body. Exhaling, lovingly detached. Inhale, fiercely committed. Exhale, lovingly detached. Now do this a few more times on your own, just paying attention to how it feels in your body to animate awake and fiercely committed And then exhaling, animating lovingly detached On the exhale, you

notice how you're feeling. Notice how that practice feels for me, and this is just for me. It might be different for you, and that is totally fine for me. When I inhale and animate fiercely committed, i. Yeah, there's this power and broadening that happens in my chest, in my heart center, it opens up right? And I can feel my connection to my feet, and it's like that superhero pose shows up and fiercely committed, right? And then as I move into the exhale and the lovingly detach. There's a release. There's a dropping of my shoulders. It's almost like an energetic being with myself right. My chest isn't caving in, but that opening kind of not deflates, but it softens right. It's there's a strength in the inhale and a softening in the exhale. So consider what the experience is like for you. And if you want to go back a few minutes and listen to that again and notice a different time, notice differently now that you've had the experience once, I encourage you to do that. Use this mantra, my friends. Bring it to life in your body. Use it as a tool for being present for your family, for being present and available with your teen. Use it as a tool for being with what is hard right now, without getting entrenched enmeshed inside of it. Do you know what I'm talking about? Right? Use it as a tool. I'm seeing you. I'm loving you. I know you're working hard out there. You're not alone. You're not alone. Thank you so much for listening today. I'm so grateful that you keep showing up and keep finding value in my work. I hope that this content Today's show was useful. Let me know, and I'll be back next week with an interview. Bye.

There you go, another solo show in the bag. If you have any questions, you can always reach out to me at Casey, at joyful courage.com I read every single email that comes my way. If you loved the show, please show your support by writing a review. Wherever you listen to podcasts and help our impact grow. Share it on social media. Share this episode on social media. Let people know what you think. Thank you so much to my team at sproutable for your back end. Help. Rowan for your show notes. Help and chris@podshaper.com for your amazing editing. I'm so honored that you listen each week. We are all doing the best we can in the moment that includes you. Have a beautiful week. I'll see you on Thursday with another special Thursday throwback. Have a great day, friends. Bye.