Transcription
Casey O'Roarty 0:01
Joy, joyful courage, parenting Podcast Episode 16, solo show
you. Hey, podcast listeners. Casey here. Thank you so much for tuning in to see what's going on this week. As you may have noticed, I have slipped into a little bit of a pattern where every other week I'm showing up alone to, I don't know, kind of share my take of the world. I hope that that is useful and entertaining to you, if it's not let me know. But you know, I just have a lot of things that I want to say and a lot of dots that I'm connecting and just stuff coming up that I want to share with you. So as of this recording, Today is October 30. It might not be the same day you're listening, but today is October 30, and it is my son's 10th birthday. And you know, he is my sensitive guy. He is my highly emotional, needing to talk about it, checking in all the time on how everybody's feeling, navigating his own emotions. He's just, he's highly sensitive, and he just really challenges me to articulate the way that I see the world in a way that makes sense for him and helps him navigate the sometimes opposing forces that are happening for him. And you know those opposing forces? I was at a conference last weekend, the be great conference here in Seattle on Saturday, and a friend of mine, Molly Knight Ford from Molly knightford.com she's a meditation teacher, Master pianist, amazing human. And she got on stage and she spoke into a lot of things, but one of the things that really stuck with me is this concept that resistance is an inside job that landed big time for me, and sometimes you'll hear me talk or write about the rub right the places in our life where we can feel that friction, we feel the tension, we feel resistance, and you know, that's typically for me and for many of us, where it's just easier to slip into old patterns. It's just easier to shrug our shoulders and have kind of the whatever attitude. If you listened last week to or the last podcast I interviewed Krista petty Ramer, and one of the things that she taught me, a visual thing that she's taught me about this, is you take a rubber band, right, and you put it between your two fingers, and if you're looking at it, your fingers on your left are your old patterns, your old ways of being right, and your fingers on the right are your new intentions. So maybe you want to show up with more love. You want to show up more centered and calm. You want to show up more connected and non judgmental, whatever your declared intended way of being is that's represented in your right hand. And so we're we're pinching the rubber band on either side, and as you pull the rubber band, pulling your hands apart, the rubber band gets tight, right? The rubber band finds itself in tension,
right? And typically what we do when we are in tension, when we're feeling the resistance, when we're feeling the rub is we let go of our declared intention and slip back. So imagine letting go of your right hand and letting that rubber band snap back to the left hand, which is that old way of being, and in parenting, it shows up all the time, right? I'm going to be more calm and centered and kind and connected to my kids, easy to do when everybody's doing the right thing. And then the day goes on, and the kids push and push and push, and then they're getting. To conflict with each other, and what happens to us? Our declarations go out the window and we snap and we snap and we yell, or maybe we don't have to yell. Maybe you have a special face or a special tone that even though the volume hasn't increased, it's very clear that you're ticked off, and you can tell by the way your kids response right respond. And then later on, later on, as we reflect back, we feel shame and guilt and and we might feel like, Man, I'm never going to be able to change. I'm never going to be able to be different. Well, the thing that I love is that that's not really that's not true. We can always show up differently. It's always within our power. And those moments of tension, those moments of resistance, the moment when we're feeling the rub, if we know that, that's the place where we snap. That's the place where we kind of say, you know, screw it, and slip back into those old patterns. Then we have all the information we need. If we know that that's coming, then why not prepare ourselves better for that? So I start to feel the rub. And a couple shows ago, it was another solo show, and I talked about thinking tree, right? I start to feel the rub. I start to feel, you know, the heat in my body, the tension in my body. I know what's coming and I know who I want to be. So I get to choose how I respond. I'm currently reading a book called 7000 ways to listen by Mark Nepo, which is a powerful, amazing book about basically being awake to our own life. Avadi all its own. It's it is archetypal. Consider the story of Moses. Though his people were enslaved and oppressed. They cried out for relief and freedom once Moses led them out of Egypt, many complained and wanted the comfort and familiarity of their bondage. What this old story tells us is that each of us has an impulse of the soul that will lead us out of bondage, and each of us has a strong change, resistance voice that no matter what the pain or abuse will utter, it's not so bad. It's home. I know. It's how I know my way, how we engage these voices, has much to do with how vital and our authentic our lives can be. We could call the impulse of soul our Moses voice and the change resistant voice of the of the familiar our hamlet. Voice for Hamlet is the archetype of the Yes, but aspect in us that is stubborn, through indecision and rationalization keeps us off the point we need to face repeatedly, on the verge of doing what he knows he needs to do, Hamlet talks himself out of every action, dispersing his resolve again and again by too much deliberation. He goes on to write, admitting that we obey these voices and openly allowing the two to dialog within us is an important practice of being in the world, not trying to eliminate either, but withstanding the tensions of their energies, till we can learn to live more fully beyond the habits we've assumed. Until the freshness of being alive in any given moment is what is familiar. Until being alive and awake itself is our home. Isn't that incredible? I'm going to read those last two sentences or the couple sentences again. So it's not about trying to eliminate either one of these voices, but withstanding the tensions of their energies till we can learn to live more fully beyond the habits we've assumed, until the freshness of being alive in any given moment is what is familiar, until being alive and awake itself is our home. I mean, imagine the lives that we would live, imagine the light, the way that we'd be able to interact with each other when we were all doing the work of returning to center, of living with intention, of showing up in a way that is open and available and non judgmental, of deeply listening to the people in our lives, the world would be different. The world would change, until the freshness of being alive in any given moment is what is familiar, the freshness of being alive. And you know, as parents, our kids give us opportunities to recognize freshness all the time, right? And it doesn't show up as fields of flowers. It shows up as new frustration. For them, unexpected emotions, it shows up in their very human experience that is the freshness of being alive and recognizing it for what it is, rather than continuously coming back to this idea that they're just out to get us, or they just don't want to be cooperative, or they just want to push our buttons or manipulate us. That is not a helpful mindset to have in a raising kids. Kids want to succeed. They want to belong. Kids don't always have the skills to do that, and that's our biggest job as parents, is to teach, model and practice those skills with them, and just like we don't send them to the corner to sit and face the wall when they get it wrong in their math homework, we shouldn't be doing that when they get it wrong with social and emotional skills, because they are learned over time, and the best space that we can hold for them to learn those skills is a space where they feel connected and not judged and loved, right? And that that requires us to show up with intention. That requires us, when things get heated, when things start to spin out of control, to release that rubber band with our left hand and to choose into this new way of being, and the more we choose in to that new way of being, the more likely it is that we can teach ourselves how to be alive and awake and have that be the coming home like Mark Nepo writes about in his book, what do you think about that. I just, I'm fired up. I'm fired up about this, um, that whole idea of tension. And then we watched Tomorrowland. I don't know how many of you have watched Tomorrowland. It's kind of an AWESOME movie. I mean, even beyond the eye candy of George Clooney, who my kids are, my daughter's like, he is so old, like, Girl, he is a foxy babe. Um, so we watched Tomorrowland. It was first time I saw it, and I loved it for a lot of reasons. But one of the stories within the story is something that, clearly, the Father has said many times to his daughter, and then there's a scene where she says it to him, and something like, you know, inside our bodies there's a white wolf and a black wolf. And the question is, which is the wolf that's in control?
And the response is, whichever one you feed. So it's the same as kind of the Moses voice and the hamlet voice, right? Whichever one we're listening to is the one that's going to start to become more and more familiar and more trusted and our go to place, and I've noticed. So earlier this week, I did a podcast interview with a woman named Julie Stubblefield. Hi Julie, and she is. She has a show called Love your podcast. So she interviewed me for that. She's an amazing voice for mamas and women who are looking to be their healthiest. I highly recommend her show. She's really great lady. Anyway, we were just talking, and I was joking at the end that about my husband and how when he goes to the grocery store, he will come home and bring, like, the craziest box of cookies or whatever treats home. One time, he brought home an entire chocolate cake he ran to the store at like, 930 after the kids were in bed. And I said, Ooh, bring back a little treat. And he brought home a whole cake. I wanted to kill him. And I said to Julie, I said, Oh, I can't, I just can't have those things in the house. And she said, Yes, you can. You can always choose to not eat them, you know. And so I've been playing with that the last couple days we you know? I mean, it's gonna be Halloween tomorrow, and it's my son's birthday today, and he wanted to bring donut holes, so we made I bought too many, so now there's donut holes just right in the other room right now, and they are calling my name, and I'm just kind of sitting in that feeling of man, I could polish off those donut holes, they'd be so tasty and recognizing too that my body would not feel good if I did that, my mind would not feel good if I did that, and I'd have all sorts of negative self talk if I did that. And I can want them, and that doesn't mean I need to have them, right? And so I've really been thinking about these two opposing voices, these two opposing energies in my body, and I think what I've decided is I'm gonna start listening to the authentic voice of my soul. What do I need, right? What do I want most? Versus? What do I. Want? Now, that's a great question, right? And I it's one that I use with my kids too, especially my son, who is kind of impulsive and like, I don't know, you know, you might have a 10 year old or a five year old or whatever they want, what they want, they want it now. So he's been trying to save up his allowance, and he likes to buy, like, cheap, crappy toys that break in a second because they catch his eye. And he's like, Whoa, I want that right now. I want it. I want it. I want it. I have to have it. So we're like, okay, it's your allowance. And then he gets really mad that, you know, he isn't able to save up for that big thing that he wants. And so I come back to this question, you know, it's thinking about, you know, which is, which is bigger, what you want most, or what you want now? And it's so funny, right? It's so funny what we're able to encourage in our kids and the language that we use with our kids, and then when it's our time to make some choices, you know what I want most versus what I want now? Well, right now, you know what I want. I want to go into the kitchen and I want to eat a bunch of donut holes, even though they're not like, from some super yummy donut store. They're from, like the grocery store. They're kind of old, but, man, they're over there. That's what I want. Now, what do I want most? I want a strong, healthy body, right? I want to, I want to accomplish my goals that I set with my trainer, guy that I work out with once a week, like, I want to follow through on that. I want to feel good in my body. And I want to, I don't want to just feel like, Oh, I can't have anything sugary in the house because I have no willpower. I'm tired of that story. I'm tired of the willpower story. And maybe you have that story. Do you have that story? I know I'm not alone. Well, I know at least my mom has that story. I love you, mom. Thanks. Thanks for passing that on. But you have those two voices. And the other thing that shows up for me too. That's I've spoken into. I don't know if you've caught it. I haven't been really super verbal about it on the podcast, but I have a I'm really living on the edge with my screen time, with my phone use. I know it and, my kids see me on it. I'm on it too much. I like to say, Oh, I'm working. I tell myself that, like, Oh, I'm checking some Facebook, because I'm running an E course right now, and we have a Facebook group, and people want me to respond. I don't have good boundaries. And it's problem, and it's, you know, thank God I never did heroin or any gnarly drugs, because I am learning what I know about myself is I tend to have a little bit of an addictive personality, addictive personality and and it's showing up with this stupid iPhone that I love. I call it stupid, and I seriously want to apologize to it right now, but it is. It's it's a, it's an opportunity for me. It's a, it's a tool for me to recognize, again, those two voices. What do I want most? What I want most is to be a good model to my kids, to be connected, to be present, to let them know that I see them, I hear them, I care about them, versus what I want now, right now, I kind of want to see how many hearts I got on that last Instagram picture. I kind of want to check my my podcast stats. I kind of want to see if anyone commented on my post in the live in love with joyful courage group. And you know what? That's not, that's not my authentic soul voice. That's my other voice, right? That's just that antsy energy saying, like, you got to do something, check your phone. So I don't know if any of you are struggling with any of this stuff. I don't know if this is speaking to you, um, let me know. Let me know what you think about all of this. Because I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one. I'm pretty sure that there are other people who have these, these um feelings, who have these two opposing voices, who are uncomfortable in the resistance. And I figured, well, I'm going to talk about it on the podcast, because once we start talking about it, we become ever more aware of it, and awareness is the first step to creating a new declaration and action to show up differently. So I am just going to keep tapping in and letting you know how my screen time problem is going. It's funny too, right? Because I think a lot of you listen to my episode with Rachel Macy Stafford love her. She's brilliant, and her website is hands. Free mama, and she talks all about putting our distractions down. I even have a bracelet on right now that says live hands free that she sent to me when we decided to podcast together. So I'm close. I'm there. I'm right on. You know that rubber band is pulled tight right now for me with the phone use, and it's time to create some new systems. So if you have any ideas, if you have ways that you monitor your own screen time, will you let me know in the in the live in love with joyful courage, Facebook group, will you send me some feedback? Will you send me an email at Casey, at joyful courage.com, or perhaps make a comment on the on the website. After this episode, I would love to hear about the places where you're feeling resistance and you're struggling. I would love to hear any feedback about your own the boundaries that you set for yourself and follow through on. I would, I would just love to know, I would love to know the intentions that you're moving towards, or that you've declared to move towards. Okay, because we're a community. We are a community of parents trying to do our best. But even bigger than that, we are human beings living an emotional life inside the human body, and I think it's really important to speak into these areas of discomfort and the places where we don't show up well, so that we can support each other. All right, man, this was not what I thought I was going to be talking about today. But there you go, there you have it, the world, according to Casey. So appreciate all of you, and I just want you to know, if you're someone who is listening to the solo show right now, and you're subscribed through iTunes to the podcast, I just want to let you all know that I'm doing some special stuff for Thanksgiving and for Christmas. That is only going to be for people who are subscribed to the podcast through iTunes. So yes, this is my way of getting people to sign up through iTunes, because that's really where I want you to be. I want my podcast to automatically come to you. So sign up through iTunes and there is going to there's going to be some bonuses, there's going to be some freebies, there's going to be some episodes that show up only on the podcast feed and not on the website,
and there's going to be some fun giveaways as the holiday season rolls around. So I have a really good friend working on a new logo for me that is so cute, I love it. And I'm thinking I'm gonna be making some merch to go along with that cool logo, and I'd like to give some of it away. So if you're not already subscribed to the podcast, it's super easy, okay, and if you have an iPhone, you probably already have the app on the iPhone. And there is a video in the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group that will walk you through step by step, how to put the video, how to not how to put the video. I'm totally distracted right now. How to download the podcast so it's straight on your phone, and I'm going to put that video in the show notes somehow, and on the website. So if you're listening to this podcast through the website, click on the page and you're gonna see a video that you can watch that will show you how to subscribe. So easy, you're gonna die. So yeah, so there's my little there's my solo show. Thanks for hanging in there till the bitter end. Big Love to all of you on the parenting journey. Just know your children chose you for a reason, right? And they are your teachers. So choose in, choose your intentions, declare them, choose them, and show up as best you can in every moment that this life is providing.
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