Transcription
Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Music. Hey friends, welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting teenagers. I'm your host. Casey overti Positive Discipline lead, trainer, parent, coach and mom walking the path right next to you as I am perfectly raised my own two teens, we are over 300 episodes and 1 million downloads strong over here, and I am so grateful to each and every one of you who listen in each week and find value in what I offer you. Have put this show in the top 1% worldwide, and now I'm super excited. Now I get to say that joyful courage has merged. Joyful courage is the adolescent brand of sproutable, a whole new company. Well, it's an old company, but now together, we are a new company and have become even more expansive and making a bigger impact on families by really reaching out and supporting parents of kids zero through 18 and beyond, we launched our brand new website last week. Besproutable.com. Check it out. Joyful courage is all about. Grit, growth on the parenting journey relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. I thought I was going to have my son on this week to talk about screen limits, but that didn't really work out. So today's show is a live coaching call. I invite you to listen for how grit shows up in my conversation with the guest. Thanks for being here. Hi listeners. I am so excited today I have a real parent on the show coming in being vulnerable and willing to share her current challenge with me and open to getting some coaching around it. I am so thankful that you are willing to come on and talk to me today.
Speaker 1 2:09
Thank you. I'm excited to be here. I'm a big fan, yay. Well,
Casey O'Roarty 2:14
let's just dive right in. So first, I want to get an idea of the household. So who lives in your household with you.
Speaker 1 2:21
So I have a 14 year old daughter, a 12 year old daughter and a husband, okay? And a
Casey O'Roarty 2:28
dog, okay, yes, and a husband, okay. And I'm just taking some notes over here if you hear clicking listeners. So when you initially reached out and said yes, when I asked in the Facebook group for anyone who is willing to be recorded while getting some free coaching. I asked you, what are your current challenges? What do you want to focus on, and what the desired outcome to the challenge would be? And you responded this way. So you said, I would love to talk about eating body issues and being constantly worried about my girls being overweight. My older one has a R, F, I D, which I'm gonna let you. We'll see if we Yeah, it's what you kind of explained to me is beyond pickiness, that it's really restricted eating. And then the younger one is picky, but will at least try some things, and is more aware of healthy choices. So I have some follow up questions. Yes, because I am not, and I just want to say this too to the world. I am not an expert on eating disorders and body image stuff, but I am happy to hold space and to kind of be in curiosity around this with you. So tell us a little bit like arfid, is this? This is under the umbrella of eating disorder, right?
Speaker 1 3:48
Yes, okay, it's called, they call it disorder eating now, so, okay,
Casey O'Roarty 3:53
okay, so it's a disordered eating issue, yes, yes. Educate me a little bit on it.
Speaker 1 3:59
Yeah. So basically, the bottom line is, you have a picky child, and you sit with them at the dinner table and they cry, they cry, they cry. Eventually they will eat. A kid with arfid would rather starve before actually taking a bite. So yeah, yeah. So it's extreme, it's pickiness, but to an extreme.
Casey O'Roarty 4:24
So what is when people who are experts in this disordered eating, what do they find is getting in the child's way? What is it about?
Speaker 1 4:34
It might be a texture thing, okay? It might be a fear of trying something and not liking it. It just might be something she was born with. I have to say, My husband is also very picky. So I'm I'm the I love food. I'm a foodie, and I love, I will try anything, and I love cooking different. Things, and I love to experience different foods. But my husband, you know, he has a short list of things that he he likes, and that's that's how he is, but he's not gonna like if we're at a dinner out with friends and they serve salmon, he will suck it up and be polite and eat the salmon. Does he like it? No. Will he eat it again on his own? No. But my daughter is she won't even try it. Okay? She doesn't care if she's being impolite. If there's anything else to eat for 24 hours, she is just not gonna try it. Okay.
Casey O'Roarty 5:40
Well, and relating to some of this, because my oldest is it's a sensory thing for her, like, I made some beans and rice with salsa and avocado the other night, and it was so delicious, and I used cauliflower rice. And she said, Mom, I think that that's going to be too many textures for me. Can I make something else? Right? So she does. It is a sensor. It's part sensory thing. And I And I'm hearing you say, too, like, that uncertainty of what if I don't like it, I know my daughter has said to me, like, well, if I try it and I don't like it, are you gonna be upset about that? Because in the past, I am like, I don't make gross food. Like, come on, this isn't gross, you know. So we've definitely created a dynamic in our household and now community. You know, she knows enough to say, Hey, Mom, listen, I know you, right. Yeah. So, so there's the arfid, and is there a body image piece inside of arfid, or is it really around?
Speaker 1 6:49
Okay? No, no, no. In general, this is unrelated to how the kid or the person feels about their own body. Okay, so it's not like her looking in the mirror and saying, No, I'm not going to eat carbs today. You know? No, it's not related to the other disorders. Okay,
Casey O'Roarty 7:06
got it, yeah, yeah. And when I asked your desired outcome, you said, I what I want most is to be is to accept their bodies however they are, and accept that they're gonna be who they are and that you can't control. I'm totally relating to the word control, yes, finding ways to not body shame them and also helping them realize it's about health and well being. And again, I'm sure that people are listening and relating because we want them to be healthy. And sometimes health is manifested in our external in how we look, right. Sometimes our bodies can show us whether or not it's healthy. And then it's so slippery, right? It's so
Unknown Speaker 7:58
slippery, so slippery you
Speaker 1 8:07
well, and we were on, we had her, she also has ADHD, so we had her on a medication that was appetite suppressant. Okay, not you. So until, until this summer. Okay, so this summer, we realized there were other issues with the medication, and we're like, we want to take a break from the medication. And that's when we realized that her appetite was really suppressed, so she went into eating three times more or four times more, but of a limited food group, so it's basically carbs and sugar. Okay? So instead, she'll have three bagels for breakfast with cream cheese, you know, she'll have a bowl of she'll have chips, and then she'll have a bowl of pasta for lunch, and then at night, she'll have rice. Because I when I when they were little, I took them to dietician, and she said, you know, use the Ellen Seder approach, yeah, which, you know, I love, and should work in most families. So the way I serve dinner is I decompose the whole dinner. So let's say we are having a Mexican. So I will serve everything separately, sure, so they get the shoes, yes. So each member in my family gets to say, I want to quesadilla, so I'm just going to have the tortilla with the cheese. Okay, great. I want to make a salad with the chicken. So I make a salad. My husband will make a burrito. So imagine doing most of dinners like that, if it's pasta, if it and very limited, so I don't start i know i My husband doesn't like fish, so I won't cook fish. You know, very limited, rotating, like five different dinners. This is how we have dinner. Well,
Casey O'Roarty 9:55
that's how I do dinner, too, because I'm not a very good cook. So
Speaker 1 9:58
I'm actually, I. Feel like I am actually a very
Casey O'Roarty 10:01
good cook. That must be so annoying for you.
Speaker 1 10:04
So frustrating, so frustrating, so frustrating. But frustration aside, she might and I always have something I know she will eat. Yeah? So some nights, some nights it's just strawberries, some nights she will take the tortilla and just eat the tortilla some night, she won't eat anything. So anyway, when she got off the appetite suppressant, then I started to realize, gosh, if this kid doesn't eat fruits, doesn't eat vegetables, doesn't eat protein, what's left? It's all the carbs, it's all the sugar, it's all that, all that awesome. And snacking, a lot of snacking. Bars, a lot of protein, bars, a lot of chips, a lot of so a lot of processed food, nothing fresh, nothing fresh. So she started gaining weight. So when the weight started going on, and I would make comments like, why don't you have an apple instead of having a second sandwich, and then see how you feel, you're calling me fat. Why are you calling me fat? Are you body shaming me? Do you think I look fat? So it started that power dynamic where I can't even, I can't even suggest stuff to her, yeah? So you know, how does
Casey O'Roarty 11:14
she feel? How does she feel about her growing and changing body?
Speaker 1 11:18
Well, I don't know. She doesn't she, she, she gets all dressed up in the morning. I think she feels beautiful from the amount of selfie she takes on Instagram. Well, okay, yeah, so she spends, she could spend 24 hours just taking selfies. So I'm guessing she looks pretty confident in her body. It's definitely growing, and she's definitely grown a size or two in the school year. So we've had to go out and buy another size pants. And she wants, she won't meant. She won't say anything. She won't to me. She doesn't express like I like because I keep referring to my issues when I was her age, I would get horrified if my jeans were a little too tight. I would never even think of the idea of going out and getting a bigger size. If I was a certain size, I would squeeze into those jeans, right? No matter what, I don't see that I don't which is, I think it's healthy in a way, maybe healthier than how I grew up, right? Yeah, but, but I don't see that from her, so I don't think she's feeling like she's overweight, or she's feel when we go to the doctor. She doesn't like to look at her weight, but that's really the only time that has come up. Yeah.
Casey O'Roarty 12:44
So this is so I want to direct everyone. I did a podcast with a woman named Baraka, whose last name I can't remember in this moment, but I will make sure that this episode is in the show notes, and she talks about just how coming into adolescence, the first like, despite ADHD meds that are suppressing the appetite or diet, our girls, especially, well, not especially our girls and boys, but we're talking about girls today. Their bodies do change, and part of their change is, often is, is some fluctuations in their weight. So I want to direct people to that conversation because it's a really healthy, awesome, useful conversation that I had with someone who's kind of steeped in the whole body image conversation, especially in adolescence, and it's super layered, right? Like, what I'm hearing you say, which I really appreciate is, you know, you're really coming at this through the lens of your own experience. You're seeing your 14 year old. You're remembering being 14. Yeah, you're bringing you are experiencing your issues as a 14 year old. And we, you know, I'm sure we're probably close in age. We were raised in a different time, right? And the way that our parents interacted with us around or didn't interact with us around our bodies, and the messages we were getting. You know, it's different than the messages that kids get today and and some of the messages they're getting are kind of those old school you have to look a certain way. But there's also a growing movement around like everybody is beautiful and body confidence. And I love being out in the world and seeing girls and boys of all shapes and sizes. You know, crop tops aren't just for little, teeny, tiny, skinny people like you get to, yeah, you get to own your space. And it does sound like, and I'm so I'm curious, you know, I'm also listening to you being unsure about how she feels. So you can make guesses around like, well, you know, based on how many selfies like, she's feeling pretty good about herself today. Yeah, you can make guesses. But what I really would encourage you to do. Do is go to her and and first I would ask her, like, Well, I would identify, hey, we get into a lot of stuff around food, don't we? Like, name it. And then ask her, like, how does what is your experience of it, right? Like, what do you notice? You know, it's, how do you feel about the food that I'm preparing, how I'm presenting it? Really what you're doing is you want to understand. You want to be able to as best as you can see through her eyes. Okay? So you want to ask questions that are open ended that kind of nudge her to express to you, and it might be really hard to hear, okay, because she might say, like, Yeah, you're a nightmare, and I wish you'd just leave me alone, or you have issues, and you're putting it on me. Because I'm guessing, even if you're not saying it out loud, like, oh my god, I would never wear jeans that tight. There is probably something in your tone and your energy that's definitely handing that, yes, projecting that so and so, like own that, you know, and it's okay to say, You know what, I was a kid and I was really insecure, and I know that that's getting in the way for me to be who you need me to be. And I just want to own that, and I want you to know that I'm going to do my work on my side of the street to really process what's coming up for me. But I think that the first place to start is a really open, honest conversation with her, where you're like, even your energy, like, I really want you to practice, you know, making sure you're eye to eye, that you're sitting down, that your energy is grounded, like we're looking at each other on the screen, so you see how I'm like, right sinking down. And this is something that I would we would practice over time, if we were in an ongoing coaching relationship. But I'm really curious about so I'm saying all of this, and I'm wondering, is this something that you feel like your relationship with her is at a place where you could have a really solid conversation like this, or is there some some stuff to clean up to get there? What do you think?
Speaker 1 17:20
Well, I mean, I have, yes, I have a lot of baggage from my childhood growing up like you said, that's kind of hard to shake. I had great parents, but I grew up in a different culture, in a different country, in a different time, like I was going to Weight Watchers equivalent with my mom in sixth grade, my worth was always tied with my size, right?
Casey O'Roarty 17:49
Of course. Well, that's why, of course. And now the universe is like, Okay, you didn't figure that one out. So we're gonna offer you the opportunity to do
Speaker 1 17:58
it over again, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and do it differently this time, right, right, without, with all the baggage that I subconsciously have. So I'm aware that I have this baggage, and I'm aware that I have to work on it, and I've been open with her saying, hey, my mom and dad did not really accept my body the way I wanted it to be accepted, and they always made me diet and there was, I don't want you to ever feel like that. I want, I want you to know we will love you at any size, like we don't think that your value is tied to your side. So we've talked about that. However, there's, there's another layer here, which, I mean, we could talk for years about which is, she's very she's very quiet, and she's not a talker. So I feel that whenever I try to have a heart to heart conversation with her, it's really hard because she won't open up. She will give me very short answers. And so I always leave feeling like, you know, was that even worth it,
Casey O'Roarty 19:06
it's always worth it. So get rid of that question. Okay? What I would encourage and when I want everybody listening, sometimes these conversations are bits and pieces, right? So maybe it's not like an hour long, heart to heart, right? Yeah, feel her out. And I think it's also valuable to say, Listen, I know that this is this might feel uncomfortable to you. It's uncomfortable to me too, and it's okay. It's okay if she's not pouring her soul out. Also, it The important thing is that she is that you are getting a better understanding of her, because she's going to give you feedback that you're going to get to then take and decide to implement in how you're showing up for her. So when I said. Said, like it you didn't, it didn't work out for you as a child, and now you have you're the parent of a child, so part of that is, yes, offering a different experience to your child, but it's also your daughter showing up and saying, This is the healing that you continue to have to do. Mom, yeah, because she's she's gonna be fine. She's on her journey. She like, right? You know, if there's no, I mean, she is on her journey, and you keep doing that, you know, giving her opportunities to choose, and we can talk about foods and stuff like that. But the big piece here, and I think you know, this is how you are going to start to accept you, so that you can be more accepting of her, right, right? And so healing that inner and maybe when you have one of these moments with your 14 year old, that is like, and you walk away and you're like, oh my gosh, I did not do well there, or oh my gosh, or even, like, noticing when you aren't saying anything, but you're just observing her. Notice, like out, like you're in the same room, or whatever, she walks by, notice the inner conversation that you're having about her and turn it towards you. So I'm really worried about her weight. I want her to be healthy. I'm noticing there's some judgments. I also want her to fit in and be accepted. I don't want her to be teased, like all of the things that show up for you, yeah, yeah. And I want you to practice, see if you can't practice closing your eyes and imagining the 14 year old inside of you, yeah? And giving 14 year old what she needs, right? Like, what does she need? What did she need to hear from her mom, right? And then move from that like, like, tend to that inner child and just see how it like on the regular, right? As often as it comes up, start instead of like, because that's the thing, right? There's the place of awareness, and then there's the place of what we say, right? Like you said, we say we love you no matter what, we'll love you at any size. We say these things, and yet sometimes what we say doesn't translate into the look on her face or the actions, right? And I am with you on that. I've been called out. My children are like, that's not what your face is saying, Mom. So I know that it's challenging. So see what starts to open up when you notice that actually what you're thinking about Miss 14 year olds is what you heard and believed as the 14 year old, right? Like you said, projecting. Notice that the projection is is happening, and interrupt it by tending to the 14 year old inside of you. So that's one place to work and to heal. And it's not, you know, it's, it'll be an ongoing thing, right? So as you open up this conversation with her too, like, hey, you know, here's where we're at. Like, tell me your experience, and it's okay if it's just short sentences. It doesn't need to be like an eloquent, you know, monolog from her, but any little nuggets she gives you, where you're, you know, that you get curious about, I would encourage you to answer with, tell me more. Tell me more about that. Yeah, and so, because you're it's like mining, like you're mining for gold. Here you're mining for a better understanding of her. So then from that place, you can say so you can ask her, like, so how are you feeling about you? Like, we've talked about kind of the messages you've gotten from me, but I've never actually checked in on you. Like, do you feel? Are you feel? Do you feel confident in who you are, and do you feel like you have space to be who you are,
Unknown Speaker 24:10
you know? And just
Casey O'Roarty 24:11
kind of, and I would go, I would be really cautious, like, I'm a little even insecure right here, around questions like, How are you feeling about your body? But, you know, I mean, if you throw out a question, and you can see kind of a physical like, you can say, like, ooh, was that? Did that question feel judgmental? Right? Like, kind of notice and be in, you know, sometimes conversations are like dances, and we have to pay attention to the dance steps of the other person. So pay attention to her dance steps, and she'll tell you, kind of like, nope, not going there, or oof, that kind of hurt, like just noticing how her body is speaking to you as. Well as her voice, right? And then from that place you get to go to, well, what can I do? What could I do better, if you, if you 14 year old, if you had a magic wand, and could, you know, change things up in our family around eating and food, what? What could it look like?
Unknown Speaker 25:25
I love that question.
Casey O'Roarty 25:29
Yeah, and it's also okay, you know? And I would wait a little while longer, like, because really what's happening is one, you're gaining information and perspective. You're growing closer, too, because Ida, you're stepping into vulnerability with her, and you're kind of stepping into this, you know, like I really want to hear from you, I really am unsure about the best direction to go in. You're growing relationship, even in having these conversations when you can really sit inside of non judgment. So that's key, yes, really sitting inside of non judgment, sitting inside of curiosity. And then right, and then you get to say, you know, there are certain, you know, and, okay, well, I'm gonna, kind of, I'm kind of like talking as I think, right now. But you know, you're worried about, is she getting the vitamins and minerals that she needs, right? Right? Right? Because she has such a limited focus food group, so problem solving, right? And, and bringing her in with like so I'm concerned that, you know, just eating the things that you eat, that you're not getting what you should be getting from, like fruits and vegetables and proteins. So let's, let's explore ways that she can get those things, and maybe it's getting on I mean, because the good news is she is not the only human on the planet that only eats one food group, right? My husband's sister only ate white food. Only ate noodles and yeah, noodles and bread and rice. Similar, okay, right? Similar diet. And then guess what? She has traveled the world. She lives in Brooklyn. She's a total foodie, so just hope for there's hope,
Speaker 1 27:29
yeah, there's hope. I love hope. I love hope. I love those stories.
Casey O'Roarty 27:34
But you know, asking her like, let's get online and let's find out what people do who don't love fruits and vegetables, so how do they get what they need right and explore things like multivitamins and just different kinds of like, just help her, help herself, right? Holding the space for if you're really holding the space bound health and well being, then it's really about, listen, our bodies need the fuel to keep us healthy, and so you're not getting that through the foods that you're choosing. How what's the back door in for that and bring her in. That's the beautiful thing. Like, bring her into the conversation. Like, let's get creative. Let's find something that's gonna help make sure, I mean, nothing's gonna replace those other food groups, really. But as you continue to be inside of this non judgmental, curious place that's gonna repair relationship so that you can say, okay, what are the two fruits and vegetables that I can put on the table this week that you're willing to eat? So, like you mentioned, strawberries, yeah, um, you know. So you can start to build towards that, towards, like, a team approach, yeah, a collaborative approach, but first you she needs to feel like you accept her exactly for who she is. And this is kind of, this is the way to get there. Is like, here's where we are, yeah,
Speaker 1 29:12
yeah, accepting her first. I feel like I have tried everything you know, cooking camp, taking her to the grocery store, cooking together, getting ideas. But I finally I'm starting to feel like there are some shifts happening that I'm just holding on to. Like we went to the supermarket the other day because we were traveling, and she just wanted pineapple. And I'm like,
Casey O'Roarty 29:41
what? So I
Speaker 1 29:43
have four days, but, but I know that this is a fate, you know, like, yeah, eventually this will run out, but there's hope, yeah. And then she just told me yesterday, hey, can we go to Trader Joe's together? I said, Yes. I. Yes, we can go to Trader Joe's together. And then she said, I'm finding all these recipes online. And I'm like, give me the recipes. We'll go shopping. So there is, kind of, you know, there are, there's, there's little light at the end of the tunnel for her, as far as, like, trying healthier foods, trying healthier options. Yeah,
Casey O'Roarty 30:22
and tell me so as you listen to kind of what I'm offering to you, like, what's really coming up as like, ooh, or where do you feel a little like, I don't know if that's me useful. Like, what's coming up for you as you listen? No, no,
Speaker 1 30:34
I definitely, well, I wrote, wrote a lot down, but I really like the idea of just asking her, like, you know, if you had a wish, if you had a magic wand, what would you want me to do differently, as far as, like, foods and dinners and stuff, and then also just acknowledging that we're stepping into the space together. Because my 14 year old self is completely different than her 14 year old self, so it's vulnerable for me to talk about it, but I'm doing it with her, so kind of like we're we're jumping into this pool together, and you need to tell me if I'm being rude or being known. It's kind of like hard, because you are walking on eggshells, right? Yeah, and, and then, you know, try to just ask her questions. And so, how do you feel about your body? I mean, how do you feel about your it's kind
Casey O'Roarty 31:36
of, you can't do it with that look on your face. You cannot do it. I know. I
Speaker 1 31:40
know which, which is some. Sometimes, I think my biggest problem is that what's inside is coming out. So here's an alternative through my face, yes, yeah, here's an alternative letter writing.
Casey O'Roarty 31:54
No, no, no. I just mean with that same question, I want you to notice what I do. So I'm really curious. Yeah, I think that I give you a lot of of messaging about what I think your body should look like. I'm just wondering, like, what do you think? How are you feeling inside your body? Because maybe I have it all wrong, because I've got all my issues about being 14, right? So it's like, this kind of more up. You know, curious. I don't have the answer already, because when we when we kind of like, well, how are you feeling? Like, it's really like, because I'm guessing you feel pretty bad, right? Like, there's like, unchoken, yeah, and Ida, and everybody that's listening, Ida, I really want you to know too, you will get it wrong, and just be really aware of feedback from her, like, like I said, like a shift in her, like, body or or even when you're like, Oh, why did I just say that? Yeah, you know, just say, Wow, Whoa, sorry. Yeah, to disregard that. Let me try that again, you know, and just be really open and transparent around like, Hey, I'm gonna, I am. I am learning and growing. Because you've never been the mom of a 14 year old before. This is the first time, and so you're gonna keep getting it wrong. And the difference can be, instead of making a mistake and our parenting, which we all do, and then ruminating on it later on and beating ourself up about it, getting better at saying, like, Whoa, sorry, sorry. Let me try that again right in the moment, just really catching yourself and you sometimes you will ruin about it later, and it won't be in the moment. That's fine, of course, but you know, and then what you're offering to the 14 year old is like, Oh, my mom is really trying, like, even with the pineapple, right? Because I know this, this experience of like, Oh, you want to try that. And I get so excited, and it's almost a turn off for my daughter, like, Oh, God, now she's all excited, and I have to eat pineapple every day for the rest of my life. So even that is like, look for a way to just be you yourself, being more casual in in your energy around food. Like, Oh, you want me to buy pineapple. Oh, you want to go to Trader Joe's cool. Which day should we go? Oh, you have recipes like, and I and as I say that I know like me and my body, I'd be like,
Unknown Speaker 34:18
yeah. So yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1 34:29
Well, I think I have been that. I think I have been very casual in that, good, good, good, good, yeah. And then also, you know, having a hard time with, you know, her hunger cues. And this also goes with the 12 year old.
Casey O'Roarty 34:43
Well, she's out there. They're both, are they both in therapy around this stuff? Did
Speaker 1 34:47
you tell me that? No, the older one has been in therapy for this specific eating issue. Okay, I don't, don't really, honestly think it worked. Okay? Very much
Casey O'Roarty 35:00
well, and it could have been just not the right fit of the person. It
Speaker 1 35:03
could have been, but, yeah, it could have been, I don't think yeah, anyway, but the issues that I have also with the overeating, which is like, again, she goes to Starbucks and she has two grilled cheese sandwiches, not one, and they're huge, not one, but two. Can I have a another grilled cheese? Yeah, it's so I'm like, Well, you know, can you maybe pick something else? Oh, but I don't like anything else. This is what I really want. Okay, well, yeah, sure, have a, have a second grilled cheese, and that, that super sweet, sweet drink you had with the first grilled cheese. Yeah? So it's kind of like that letting go of, you know, the overeating, and when you offer options, and you offer ideas that they don't take. And you're like, gosh, that is woof. That's a lot of you know, like, that's a lot of food, but,
Casey O'Roarty 36:06
and it's tricky, right? Like, I remember being after having my second a couple years after having my second, was the first time I ever did a cleanse, not like, I'm only going to drink water and cayenne and lemon juice for 12 days. But an actual like, I just, I just ate, really, you know, quote, clean. And it was the first time that I was able to tune into when my body was, when I was feeling hungry, when I ate something that didn't sit right prior to that, I didn't really, I wasn't really connected to my body in that way. And I'm not saying that your 14 year old needs to go on a cleanse. I'm sharing this because, you know, when you talk about, like, hunger cues and being full like, I think there are people who specialize Yes, yes in that. And I think that would be and you know, again, in these com in these ongoing conversations that you're gonna have with her. Like, dropping into curiosity. Like, so I notice or not I notice, but like, tell like, when do you feel full? Like, what do you what is your body? What does your body tell you about when you're hungry or when you're full? Like, I know I'm hungry at four o'clock every day, but usually at four o'clock every day, I'm also avoiding something, and so I go walk in the kitchen. You know, not that that's the same thing as, by any means, as your daughter, but like, that's the other piece too, just being in non judgmental, curious conversation, yes, because something that'll start happening over time, is she? You know, it might not be a I'm hungry Q or an I'm full Q, but what you're doing is you're planting a seed that that experience of being full, of being hungry, exists inside of her body, and so hopefully over time, and I think with support too, yeah, she will learn to be cued into that, because she's come off, yeah, she's come off this add medication, which is kind of muted, yes, and now she's kind of swung to the other end of the spectrum.
Speaker 1 38:17
She's finally leveling off. But it's been kind of like a few months, but I think what you're talking about is something like mindful eating, mindfulness and eating and going my attention and, you know, and sometimes I'll ask her, especially the little one, I'll go like, are you, do you want more because you're hungry, or are you coming back an hour after we had dinner because you're hungry or because you just want to eat something during your show. Are you hungry? Or are you bored? Like, yeah. Why are you needing more food right now? Because you just had a full meal, and
Casey O'Roarty 38:53
it could sound like, Okay, let's take a breath together. Yeah. So, Babe, are you hungry? Or is it just that you're used to eating chips while you watch that show? Right? Right? Like, either or be open to either answer. I'm hungry. Okay, great, right? Great, yeah, no judgment, yeah. And I think too, like that Starbucks, example, like, oh, another grilled cheese sandwich. Those grilled cheese sandwiches are so tasty. Let's walk around the building and then, and then decide if you really want that other one, or if it just is, like, so tasty and again, good one. Open right, open to it, because sometimes it might also be helpful to move her away. And I'm also, I also want to say that I am totally open to people whose niche is this thing saying no, no case. So I'm I'm hoping that right when we put this podcast out, the actual experts with food and eating and body stuff say, well, actually, here's some resources. Full permission, everyone, Yeah, cuz it is hard. It's really hard. It's really hard,
Speaker 1 39:59
really. Yeah, it's really just a constant, yeah, thing I'm working on, a thing I'm thinking about, thing I'm, you know, it's constant, yeah?
Casey O'Roarty 40:09
And I think what I'll continue to support you is to do your own work around your own experience of body and body image. And if that's work with a therapist, you know that can be really powerful, because, like you said at the top, like there's, there's that projection piece. And you know what I tell my kids is, I, I have a Foot Locker full of baggage that was passed on to me, I am hoping to just pass on, like, a carry on bag. That's a good answer, yeah. I'm sure I'm gonna pass some things on. I'm hopeful that it's not gonna be the full luggage mode that I carry. So taking care of your Yeah, taking care of yourself, growing relationship with her, having these non judgmental, curious conversations, seeking outside support from people who really specialize in this stuff. She's going to be okay.
Speaker 1 41:10
That would be great. I love I love learning, and I love listening, and I love people giving me feedback, and, yeah, I'm open to all that. So and I know, I know and I and I know I need to work on this, because it's a big issue in my life. So that's always in the back of my mind. I take a deep breath, this is not you. This is not where you grew up. This is you're not your parent. Like, yeah,
Casey O'Roarty 41:35
you're not your mom. Yes,
Unknown Speaker 41:37
I'm not she is not
Casey O'Roarty 41:38
you my dad. You get to do it differently. Yeah, yes,
Unknown Speaker 41:41
yeah. Well,
Casey O'Roarty 41:43
and I encourage you, you know, everybody that's listening, don't forget, we've got the joyful courage for parents of teens Facebook group, which is a free group on Facebook. And you know, if you're open to feedback, once this podcast goes live, jump in there and just, I'm sure that there is so much wisdom there. I know we've got some people in there that are specialists in disordered eating and things like that, so they will chime in and probably point out my gaps. So
Speaker 1 42:12
right, no, and I have to going back to the Facebook group. I have to thank the Facebook group, because I have had questions and issues that I have posted on there, and I am always blown away by the thought and the time that people in that group actually take to give a good response and not just a Thumbs up a heart. It's like thoughts and ideas resources. It's really a great, great tool to have in my parenting toolbox. So thank you for that. Yes,
Casey O'Roarty 42:50
I love, I love all the Facebook group people it is, you just nailed it. So, yep, thank you so much for coming on. I really appreciate this one, keep showing. Thank
Speaker 1 43:01
you. I will you too. Thank you so much.
Casey O'Roarty 43:11
Okay, yay. Thanks again for listening. Wasn't that so awesome? So grateful for her to come on and vulnerably share what's hard for her. I know that many of you listening were relating to where she is looking for guidance. I know that there are many, many places where I was relating. I encourage you all, if you appreciated the podcast and the coaching to reach out. Let me know. Show up in the Facebook group comment when you see it on social media. That way other parents can see like, oh, this has value. I'm gonna check it out. I also encourage you to listen to the becoming sproutable Limited podcast series. We started last Thursday, and every Thursday for the next six weeks, we will drop a new episode here on the joyful courage podcast feed. So if you are subscribed on Apple podcast or Spotify or Google Play. Wherever you're listening to this, you will see the new show on Thursday, my co host, Julieta Skoog and I are breaking down positive discipline principles for you all. It's really good stuff. And like I said in the intro, check out the brand new website, besproutable.com where you will now find all the joyful courage things plus resources for parents of younger kids as well. Huge thanks to Rowan for putting together the show notes for this episode, and Chris Mann at pod shaper for making the show sound so good. Appreciating you all for being a part of the community. Love ya see you next week.
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