Eps 290: SOLO SHOW-Validation, Mutual Respect, Back to School

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:03
Kay, Hello friends. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting teens. I'm your host. Casey o'brdy, positive discipline, lead trainer, parent, coach and mom walking the path right next to you as I imperfectly raise my own two kids. Joyful courage is all about grit growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. As you listen in to today's show, pay attention to how grit shows up in the conversation. Also, if you're not already on my email list, I want to remind you yet again to join. I pop into my subscribers inbox with stories, podcast, news and offers just about every week. My hope is to make you laugh, or at least relate, and keep you updated on all the joyful, courage, goodness. If you're into it, go to joyful courage.com/email and sign up. Signing up today will get you the seven tips for connecting with your teens. I'll share over seven days, seven different things you can do and put into practice that will make a difference in your relationship with your kids. Each day you will get an action step and some bonus action steps. If you're feeling like a super overachiever again, you can get on that list by going to joyful courage.com/email sign up and stay more connected. Thank you so much for listening. I am deeply honored to lead you. I'm grateful that what I put out matters to you, and I am so excited to keep it coming onto the show. Hey, here we go. Here we go. It is September, back from a summer break. I hope you all enjoyed August, a month where I revisited some of my very favorite shows from the 2020 mini summits here on the podcast, some of my favorite guests, you listeners, shared with me a lot of feedback around loving, revisiting or for the first time hearing some of those conversations. So if you missed them, go back and listen, because they're there the August shows. I don't know if you can hear it in my voice, but I my whole family has been gifted with a summer cold. Just at the tail end here, we've all had this crummy cold, which, you know, I mean, it's a little nerve wracking. It's a little nerve wracking in the time of covid, to get a cold, isn't it? But my son was got the covid test. He was the first one to get sick, and it came back negative. So I'm confident that the rest of us just have what he had, no bueno. So apologies if my voice sounds a little wonky. I'm really excited for what's to come this fall. You all. I'm excited for the lineup. I've been recording conversations and with really amazing guests, and I'm just really excited to share them with you. I also really want to be giving you what you want, what's useful, having conversations that are meaningful for you in the joyful courage for parents of teens. Facebook group, I asked everyone to let me in on the topics that you are looking to hear discussed. So I want you to jump in there and find that post. I'll pin it to the top to share. Like, what are the topics that you want? I'm even playing with the idea of maybe having some of you on to do some live coaching on the podcast. Would that be awesome? Do you want that? You gotta let me know I'm here asking. I want you to jump in and contribute to that post, so I know that what I'm creating is useful to you, and as I'm recording this. So it's Tuesday, the last day of August. It is the eve of the first day of school for my youngest, my 10th grader, and in a lot of ways, this feels like his first day of high school, because, you know, the reality of the world we live in and online school last year, he did a couple weeks, but was mostly online, and it was a mixed bag. His experience of online learning was a mixed bag. He's super social kid, so he really missed the interaction. He missed being around the people and in the classroom and walking the halls. But, you know, I'm grateful he managed to do all right academically, and the whole thing kind of worked out for our family considering the immunity challenges that my husband had through cancer treatment. As many of you know, we had an extra layer of you know, covid Sparkle, which included my husband's diagnosis of Multiple Myeloma. He's doing really well. All, and next month, October, he'll be one year out from his big stem cell transplant. So we couldn't be more thrilled about that, grateful for his health. Your kids are also feeling their feels right as they step back into school. I know many of them have already started. Some of them are have yet to start. And today I just, I kind of want to focus in on that. I think it's really important for us to recognize that the experiences that our teens are having, the feelings, the emotions that are coming up, are really valid, and it's up to us to support our kids and feeling validated by us. And that's what I want to talk about today on the show.

So one of the traits of the teen brain, as shared by Dan Siegel in his book brainstorm, is emotional spark. It's this unique time for teens and their brains are just filled with extra emotional processing and experience. So the upside of that is that, oh my gosh, life is on fire. They're feeling all the things, excitement, anticipation, so much passion, right? They're feeling it's big, right. The upside is those exciting feelings are Supercharged. The downside is there's an increase in moodiness and angstiness, in being unsure of why they feel the way they do, in the speed and the, you know, acceleration, that these emotions can come up, fear, worry, embarrassment, anger, right? All of it again is on fire and comes big, big time. And for us parents, it can feel, well, like a whirlwind, to put it mildly, right? And so when we think about validating, what validating means is demonstrating. I love this definition, demonstrating or supporting the truth or the value of something. When I put that in the context of parenting, to me, it sounds like how you feel is valid. Your emotional experience is valid and it's valuable, right? Here's what our teens hear. Here's what kids moving into middle and high school hear from adults often. Well, all teens feel like that. All adolescents, you know, are insecure, feel uncomfortable with their bodies. Everybody goes through this. You don't know how you feel. Oh, it's the hormones. You won't feel like this forever. Just go outside, turn off your phone, take a walk, do yoga, some of this I have said So full disclosure, the assumption is that what they're going through isn't real and it isn't powerful. It isn't a unique experience that they're having. And it is so disrespectful, right? It's so disrespectful. What a disrespectful way to treat other human beings. Teens are flooded with emotion, it's real for them, and they continue to be in development of the tools that they need to regulate those emotions, right? I mean, aren't we all still in development of that? I think, as our kids become our size, or for some of us larger than us. Oh my gosh. My son's six, three. Their size kind of skews our the appropriateness of what we expect, and we forget that they are very much continuing through developing the tools and the skills they need to be contributing, cooperative members of society. Just because they're big and tall and teens and not kids anymore, we lump them into well, you should know this. You should be able to do this sometimes, even while you should have mastered this. How dare you get mad at me. I want to talk about this because it's been coming up with some of my private clients, because sometimes parents hear me talk about this, about validating and they think that validating their child, their teen, means that they're also validating the behaviors that can sometimes accompany the flooded emotions. And I'm I'm here to say that we can validate their feelings without validating their behavior and and I'm here to take a stand for you and to urge you to remember that mutual respect something that we talk a lot about with positive discipline. Mutual respect is about respecting the person in front of us, the adolescent in front of us, while also respecting ourselves and the situation. So let's put this into context. Okay, your kiddo has started school, maybe they're a week or two weeks in or three weeks in, and. And they come home, they walk in the door and you, you know, nonchalantly, ask them to unload the dishwasher. No, they say, angrily, Why the f do I have to do that when you've been home all day doing nothing? Whoa, right? Whoa, that's aggressive. You have a choice in this moment one get worked up about the language they're using, and meet their anger with your own, which we all know, just levels things up, gets us more into this spiral or two, recognize that something must have gone down earlier in the day, and validate your kid can sound like, sounds like you have had a tough day, or you sound pretty angry. Now, your tween or teen will do one of two things. One, they will soften because they've been seen and perhaps let you in on what's going on. They'll move from their reactive state in towards a more receptive state, and you can have a conversation, ask them what they need, make a plan for the dishwasher to be emptied at a later time. Or your middle or high schooler will continue to be in the grips of their dysregulated emotional experience and snap back some more colorful language or name calling, continuing to unload their emotional angst onto you. If this is what you experience, I want you to listen to what I have to say next. It is your responsibility to model personal boundaries. I'm gonna say that again for the people in the back, it is your responsibility to model personal boundaries. This is where you get to respect yourself enough to say, Wow, you are really angry. I am here to listen, if that's what you need, but I'm not gonna allow you to treat me badly. I'm going to take a walk when I get back and we both feel cooler. We can talk about what's going on and then follow through and take that walk, or do what you need to do to take care of you. People who struggle with boundaries are typical, typically, people who had caregivers that struggled with boundaries, they didn't see the modeling we have to model setting boundaries with our kids, and the key to this is to set these boundaries while you yourself are staying regulated. Positive Discipline is not permissive parenting. It is not taking verbal abuse from our teens. It is not no expectations or responsibilities. It is also not commanding or demanding. It isn't about punishments or rewards. Positive Discipline is about using kindness and firmness at the same time. Positive Discipline is respecting the needs of the child. We do this by checking our own regulation and how we're delivering our messages and our tone while also simultaneously respecting the needs of ourselves and the situation. But what about the F bombs? What about the dishwashers? I can hear you out there like, okay, great. What about these other things? I don't want my kids swearing at me and they have to do chores. Yes, you are correct. So back to the scenario. You take that walk, you take care of you. You circle back with your kid. Knock on the door. Hey, can we talk? I can tell that you have some stuff going on that must be hard to hold. And then you pause, and you wait, I know I've said this a lot, and I'm going to say it again. I am here to listen now. Side note, if you have been judgmental or critical or invalidating in the past, you got to own that. You got to own that and clean it up. Could sound like, listen, I know that I have a tendency to want to talk you out of how you're feeling or act like it's not a big deal, or tell you how you shouldn't feel that way. I'm learning how disrespectful that is. I'm really sorry I've been that way in the past, and I'm going to practice being different. Pause your well being is what is most important to me, and I am here for you. Pause, what do you need most? Right now? Again, pause. Now. They might share. This might be enough to support them. And again, moving from reactivity to receptive, they might ask you to leave them alone. They might not want to share. They might apologize for the F bombs. Listen to whatever it is they have to say and finish up with I'm going to come back in after a while, and we can make a plan for emptying the dishwasher. Okay? So. Yeah, now a word about swearing. And you know, the language the put downs that we use so kids learn through modeling, which means the most powerful thing you can do to cut down on their swearing is to cut down on yours. I am a Swearer. My husband is not. My kids swear sometimes. I don't get up, I don't get uptight about it. That's not, you know, that's not the same in everybody else's family, but that's how it is in our family. When it feels excessive, we

talk about it. Communication has to be explicit lessons and conversation, meaning as a family, when nobody is worked up. Brainstorm what communication looks like in your house, and then how you want it to look or sound in your house. How do all the members of the family want to be treated and spoken to? What does everyone need? And you can use a talking stick like, you know, everybody gets a turn say, you know, if somebody doesn't want to participate, okay, great, you can pass but go around the family. What is important to you? How do you want to be treated and spoken to? Get an idea from your kids and the other people in your family about what they want and what they need, right? And write it all down.

Respect is really slippery when looked at through the parent lens versus the teen lens, right? So I hear a lot. You know, whenever I do, if you've taken a class from me. You probably know that I always start with the two lists. What are your current challenges? That's what we start with. Always, always on that first list, parents, more than one parent, will say something about they're so disrespectful, right? We do not want to be disrespected by our children, and we feel disrespected when our teens speak to us angrily, right, when they swear at us, when they name call us. Teens feel disrespected when their parents dismiss that they're having an emotional experience, when their parents dismiss that their experience is valid, when their parent doesn't seem to get it when their parent doesn't understand and doesn't make an effort to try and understand when their parent is critical or judgmental, right? That feels disrespected, disrespectful to teens, both sides feel hurt and hurt back, right? So when this is your scenario, when this shows up and there's, you know, not great language and the community, and we're meeting each other, hurt to hurt, call a break, step away, disengage, just stop, communicate outside of the moment, right? Talk about this as a family, that when things get heated like they do, there will be a time out for people to take care of themselves and cool off. And when you have this conversation with your family, make it about you. I get so mad sometimes that I do and say things that I regret, like that one time I said, you know that you were lazy, and I told you I would take your phone for a month. I didn't mean what I said, and that consequence wasn't something I wanted to follow through on. But then I felt conflicted because I said it in the moment, right? We just don't treat each other that well when we're heated like that. So from now on, we're going to call timeouts. You can call them or I can call them, but whenever anyone calls a timeout, conversation stops. We all disengage. We do what we need to do to calm down. And then you ask the family, can everyone agree to that? And then you ask them, does anyone have a problem with that? Can we try it for a week and see what happens? Right? Can we practice and maybe the kids play the parents. Parents play the kids. I mean, I've got one kid that would be totally into practicing, and one kid that would be like, Uh, no. So I'll let you see what happens with the practicing. Dysregulation is super real, ours and theirs, and really, more often than not, is at the root of so much conflict between teens and parents. We're trying to solve problems, we're trying to come up with solutions, but we're dysregulated, so we don't actually have the part of the brain that we need for higher level thinking like solutions and problem solving. We're in our limbic system. We're all worked up and in emotion, all of us, parents, kids, you cannot be super angry and super creative at the same time, or empathetic or compassionate. We have to support each other in growing here. We have to model. And teach and practice self regulation over and over again. It has to become common language in your home. We have to check in with each other and share our mistakes and celebrations when self regulation happens. This isn't a teen problem. This is a human struggle. We are emotional beings, living and loving emotional beings. It's super messy. Bringing it back to school, starting right? I mean, I kind of went off there, but I'm bringing it back to now. Here we are at the start of a new school year, and your kids might be on edge for the next few weeks. In fact, I would guess that I would say they will be on edge on some level for the next few weeks. They might be a little more tense, a little more triggered, a little more emotional. They are navigating an insecure environment and trying to make sense of their role in it. The pandemic continues to be a reality. They are flowing with their friend groups, or trying to find friend groups. They're back in a classroom, dealing with in person, you know, with teachers and academic expectations. They're crushing on people, and maybe those people are crushing on them. Maybe not. They are concerned about the opinions of others to a fault, sometimes even the ones who say they don't care, they care it's tough out there. It is tough out there for our teens. So just to remind you, here's what you can do. You can validate their feelings, validate that it's tough, listen to their experiences without judgment, criticism or giving your opinions unless you have permission. So ask for permission. Can I offer you something? Can I tell you what I think about that? Do a family. Brainstorm about how to communicate with each other in a way that feels good to everyone in the family. Make a timeout plan like time out to right, take care of yourself and state your boundaries with your teen. I hope that this was helpful. I hope that this was helpful. Today, it feels really good to be back recording a solo show. I've missed all of you. I feel really excited and passionate about the topic today, and if you are listening and filled with a lot of I need more support than just listening to this podcast, because you're having this dynamic in your house where you have a teen who gets really angry and can't seem to hold it together. If you're curious about how to put all of this into practice, I'm super excited to tell you that I have a six week parenting with positive discipline class starting on Thursday, September 23 from 530 to 7:30pm Pacific. And spaces available. This is a class designed for parents of middle and high schoolers. It's a super high touch interactive class. Space is limited. I like to keep the group small, so I cap it at 20, so that I can really get to know you and your family and offer you the support you need. So if you're into that, and you should be, because, man, these teen years are like nothing we see coming, right? You can sign up now at joyful courage.com/seasons and if you have any questions, you can shoot me an email at Casey. At joyful courage.com. Super passionate about this work with teenagers. I'm excited for this fall and all of the resources, conversations and thoughts that I'm going to be sharing with you about this crazy time of parenting. Next week, I'll be back with a brand new interview. Thanks to

Beebe, okay, thanks again for listening. I hope you enjoyed the show. Don't forget, you can get the seven tips for connecting with your teen as well as podcast updates and offers from joyful courage by joining my email list. Joyful courage.com/email do it now so we can be even more connected. Also, be sure to follow me in all the places I love. Connecting with you on social media. If you feel inspired and you haven't already, please, Kitty, Pretty, pretty please do me a favor and head over to Apple podcasts and leave a review. I'm always working hard to stand out and make a huge impact on families around the globe. Your review helps the show to be seen by even more parents. If the review thing isn't your jam, just snap a screenshot and share it on Instagram or Facebook. Tag me joyful courage and I will repost it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, friends, deep breath. Write it into your body. Find your balcony seat for perspective and trust that everyone is. Going to be okay, see you next week.