Eps 277: Solo Show- Getting Out of Our Teen’s Way

Resources

Dr. Hina Talib | Brave New World Summit

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Hello, friends. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting. I am your host, Casey o'brty, positive discipline trainer, parent, coach and mom walking the path right next to you as I imperfectly raise my own two teenagers. Joy of courage is all about grit growth on the parenting journey relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. Today's show is a solo one, and I encourage you to listen for how grit shows up as I tease our topic apart. Thank you so much for listening. I am so honored every every day to lead you, grateful that I what I put out matters to you, and so happy to keep it coming. Enjoy the show. Thank Oh,

hello, hello, my friends. Good Friday morning. I'm just sitting here at my desk and drinking a little warm beverage and well, granted, it won't be Friday morning when you listen to this, but it is Friday morning right now in the recording of this episode. Much love to my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. This week, it's just been tough to get this recording out to him, so I appreciate his super patience, but it's a big deal kind of morning, and I want to tell you, this is the first morning that my whole family is not here. The first morning since October of 2019, since Rowan opted out of high school. Ian's at school. He was home for a little while because he was exposed to covid, and it only had his first shot, but he got a covid test and was not positive, so yay, but he had to be home, so he went to school this morning. Rowan continues to just kill it at aesthetician school. I'm so happy for her. She is loving her life right now, which is so awesome. So she's at school. She actually took Ian to the bus stop and then carried on. Dreams do come true. And my sweet husband, Ben, that I know many of you have been following our story with Ben, this was his first week back to work since March of 2020. His first week back to work. And so for those of you that are new covid, but in our family, my husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma last year and went through cancer treatment and went back to work this week. He's feeling great, definitely a transition, physically and mentally, remembering all the things that he needs to remember. He is a power line construction guy, so he works outside. He's in the lift truck and climbing power poles and working with power lines. So turns out there are a few things to know and remember when you're working with, you know, live electric wires, but he's doing great. So yeah,

and today, I'm taking Ian to get his second covid vaccine. So in two weeks, this family will be fully vaccinated. And, man, it feels good. And I just want to acknowledge like for us, there was no room to question whether or not we should get vaccinated as soon as we could. I live with a man whose immune system was completely wiped out last fall. And so for us, it was a no brainer. We just didn't have room to wonder, like, should we? Shouldn't we? Because it's life or death for my husband. So we are gangbusters around vaccination, and I do a little bit of research around it. One of my favorite people who's putting out information for parents around so many topics, including covid and the covid vaccine, is Dr Hina. She is on Instagram at Teen Health doc. She was also part of the Brave New World Summit that I did earlier this year, and I just want to say it was amazing. I had five guests, including Dr Hina, talking about teen mental health, Tracy Baxley, Dr Tracy Baxley, talking about social justice parenting. Jessica Leahy, talking about supporting our kids. In this weird academic slash school situation that we're all kind of coming out of or still inside of or recovering from. I had Megan de Bauer on talking about financial literacy. And I also had Elena Lipson come on and talk about soul care and how we're taking care of ourselves. Because you guys, the water we've been swimming in over the last 18 months is weird. It's weird water. I just want to let you all know, like, if you missed the Brave New World Summit and you're curious about it, you can still get it. You go to joyful courage.com/b. N, w, and you can purchase the summit. The conversations were so powerful and really touched on every aspect of the last year and what we've gone through collectively as a country, as parents, as humans. So little promo, check that out, and more updates. So yesterday, I certified 23 new positive discipline parent educators to go out into the world and make a difference, really change the lives of children through their work with families bringing more dignity and respect into homes and into our communities. And it's just such an honor to be able to support people that way. I have another parent educator training happening in August, so if you want to check that out, you can go to my website. It's on the navigation bar. And last night, I had a new parenting class start seasons parenting for the season you're in for parents of adolescents. And I got to meet the group. It's an amazing group, as usual. I capped it a little bit smaller this time, because it's really important for me to feel good connection with the parents that are a part of the program. And so, you know, it becomes diluted when the connection isn't there. So I've got this smaller group and all parents of tweens and teens, and we had our first night last night, and it was awesome, and we talked about self regulation, and we talked about curiosity, and we connected around common challenges, as well as who we want our kids To be,

and something that keeps coming up with clients. It came up last night in class, and it comes up in my own parenting is the power of the tension of life, right? The power of the tension of life. Last time I was on here live, I talked about connected firmness. This time, I really want to talk about something that people like Jessica Leahy, who wrote the Gift of Failure, and Ned Johnson, who co authored the self driven child. And you know, both of these brilliant authors talk about in different ways, just kind of talk about allowing our kid, like getting out of the way, basically getting out of the way, so that our kids can feel the tension of life and make decisions and make choices from their own internal compass, instead of just doing what they're told or not doing what they're told because they're in reaction to mom or dad who's laying down the law or telling them, You know what they should or shouldn't be doing. And I kind of feel like this is a pretty radical idea, right? This is kind of a radical idea, and I did a whole Instagram live about it a few weeks ago, but, and so it's not a fully formed like I couldn't even take notes about it for this podcast. I just wanted to come on and kind of freeform it. You know, there is, and it's, it's very personal to me, because I have what I've lived through with my daughter, who opted out of high school at the start of junior year, and and, my God, I mean, I've talked about that a lot on the show, but just like it was not, it wasn't easy for me. And I think you all know that, but if you're new, by the way, it was not easy for me. I was not in a place of, you know, excitement around her, declaring what she needed. I was terrified. I didn't know what it meant for her to make a move like that and to be so adamant. There was also mental health issues going on, and it just felt really scary. I. And, you know, I talk to parents who have teens, you know, who are in a variety of different ways, pushing back against this traditional model of, you know, school and success and and part, you know, there's so many things to tease apart around that. Because, on one hand, you know, it's a weird world, right? And the like illusion that this is the way it has to look, and the illusion of, I think, you know, my kids go to public school. Public education has really been rocked as we've taken away the pieces that keep many of our kids going to school, which is, you know, the social aspects, the connection, the belonging to a group, right? A lot of our kids that was, that was what kept them kind of willing to show up to, you know, the actual schooling academic piece. And there are kids that lived their best life through the pandemic where, you know, being able to be home and kind of doing school on their own terms was really useful for them. But a lot of kids that wasn't the case. And, you know, and they're starting to realize, like, oh, wow, I can do other things. There are other things that I can do. I'm not totally sold on this. Four years of high school, four years of college, you know, get some kind of career, carry on, and that's the, you know, that's the path to success. Lots of kids are saying, like, no, screw this. I don't care about school. I don't care about you. I'm going to do what I want. And I think we, as parents, we get really worked up about this. Because one, we take it personally when they tell us that what we think doesn't matter to them, which I get we get afraid, like, how are they ever going to make it in the world? How are they ever going to be able to take care of themselves? How are they ever going to, you know, be able to pay the bills, right, valid fears. It's what we want for all of our kids, is to be contributing adults with good self esteem, who can have a job and, you know, good hygiene and what we don't always realize is sometimes our stress around their choices gets in the way of them actually considering what it is that they want. And what I mean by that is, I think our kids can, you know, when we get into this power struggle or this revenge cycle or this back and forth around, I the parent have a vision for you. I The parent know more than you. I The parent can project into the future that this is not going to work out like you want, and then we kind of put that on top of our kids, right in a in a variety of ways. Sometimes it's very literal. We say those things very literally. Like, listen, you I, you know you don't know what you want. You don't you know you're not gonna, you're gonna regret this in the future. Like, so sometimes it's really literal. Sometimes it's in the messaging that's happening underneath what we're saying. And our kids. You know that is painful to our kids. It hurts them to be receiving those messages. And so instead of thinking to themselves, well, what is it that I do want? They're wrapped up in my mom, my dad. They have they don't know me. They don't care about me, they don't get me. Screw them. I'm going to do what I want, but it's not so much doing what they want, as much as it is being in reaction to the pain and the hurt and the disconnection they're feeling from us and so yeah, and so they miss the tension of life because their intention with us. So one of the conversations we were having recently in a parent group was around. There was a couple conversations, and one was was around, and I've had it with multiple people, you know, but Casey, if I'm not, you know, if I'm not keeping up, on keeping on their case, around getting their homework done, they just won't get their homework done. They won't complete the assignments. Okay. Well, then what would happen? Well, they'd fail their class. Okay. And then what would happen? Well, maybe they wouldn't graduate, or they wouldn't get to move on to the other grade, okay, is it important to them to graduate? Is that something that they want? Is it important for them to move into the next grade with their peers. Is that important to your child? Well, I don't know. Okay, well, this might be a great time to ask right to let go of what's important to you and get curious about what's important to your kids. Get curious about what's important to your kids, because. That's where, that's where it gets juicy, right? So it might sound like, is it important to you to graduate with the friends that you've been in school with for the last few years? Not really. Okay. Well, is it important for you to graduate? Not really. Okay. So what you know when you think about going out in the world, you know, after, you know, making your way, living on your own, how do you what's your vision of that? Well, I could, you know, I could get a job at Target, or I could get a job here or there. Okay, do you know? Do you have any idea what the requirements are like, who hires people that you know don't have high school diploma. Well, maybe I could get my GED. In the United States, we have the GED. Okay, what does that look like? Have you done the research there? So notice that I'm not like, you can't do that. Or granted, this is a conversation I've had with my daughter and the neutrality that's showing up right now as I share, it was very difficult to drop into in conversation with my daughter because I was so afraid. So I'm just gonna be really transparent around that. But do you hear what I'm doing like I'm curious about what my kids want. I'm not looking to lead them down a line of questioning that leads them to, okay, you want to be a bum by the river. Like, that's not, that's not what I want. What I want is to help them broaden their perspective around what is going to be available. Not only broaden their perspective, but like, find alignment between what's going to be available to you if you make these choices, and how does that intersect with what you want most, right? So helping them to come to a place of, okay, so this is what it costs to live on my own. This is what it what I'll get paid if I work full time at a fast food restaurant. Do those two things match? If not? Okay, so, so what then, like, is there a trade that you're interested in? You know? What else can you do? So I'm taking myself, in my opinion, out of the conversation, which is very hard for me to do,

but this is the work, right? I'm taking myself, we take ourselves and our opinions out of the conversation, and really hold space for a conversation around well, what is it that they want? What is it that they want? So that instead of reacting to us because we're on their case all the time, they're actually considering, like, yeah, you know, I, I would like to graduate with my class that is important to me. I do want to move on to 10th grade next year. I don't want to have to do summer school. Okay, great. So what do you need to do to make sure that that outcome is what you what you get? Well, I have to pass this class. Okay, so what do you need to like? What? What what do you need to do to pass the class, you know? And you were just continuously handing it back to them, and from this place of like, you want, this is what you want. This is what you've declared. So what do you need to do to make it happen? I

and sometimes we might say, can I offer something, right? Do you need? Do you want some help figuring that out? Do you want to sit down and look and find out how to how to see what cost of living is? You know, when you're a young person on your own? So we're not abandoning them. We're not saying, like, yay, good luck with that tension of life. But here's the thing, even for our kids who decide, yeah, I'm dropping out of school, or I'm not going to college, or, you know, fill in the blank, right? You know they're gonna we're gonna continue to love them and support them, because that's what being unconditional means. And if you are a parent who is listening to this and thinking, Yeah, of course, I love my children unconditionally, so that means that you get to continue to to love and support them unconditionally. And I don't mean support like, you know, pay all their bills till the end of time. I mean, support them in their decision making and say, okay, yeah, let's see how this plays out. I'm here for you while also leaning in enough right to create enough like, enough tension around Hey. So you know they're not just slothing around the house for the end till the end of time, right? That's not what we want either. We want to create some expectations and some we want them to feel significance, right? Belonging and significance is a positive discipline thing. Significance is something that's created through off. Offering opportunities of contribution and being responsible for yourself, for your space, you know, showing up for the family. So it's not about just anything goes. I do not want you to hear that, but it is about like, what if our kids don't go to college? What if they do get that fast food job? How long do you think it'll take for them to get to a place of you know what? I don't love this. I want to be able to make more money, to be able to do more things. And so guess what? The next question is. Okay, great. So what do you need to do to get there? And maybe they say to themselves, or they say to you, like, I'm I'd like to go to college, or I'd like to go to trade school, I'd like to do this certification program, I'd like to level up, right? I promise you that kids that have the opportunity to really decide for themselves, those are the kids that thrive. I mean, I was one of those kids. I mean, it was just like you went to high school, you went to college and you like, that's just what you did. And I was pretty easygoing, and went off to college and graduated with a 2.1 from the University of Arizona. Go Wildcats. 2.1 takes work to get that barely graduate like that, and, you know, and then I traveled, and then I was a bartender, and I didn't love being a bartender, and I wanted to do something different. I wanted to be a teacher. And so I looked into the school that I wanted to go to, U DUB, and lo and behold, my grades from college were not good enough to get into the program that I wanted to do. So I was like, okay, so what can I do? How can I make it work? How can I get in? So I went to community college for an entire year, full load. Well, 12 units, 12 credits for three quarters, and I killed it. I sat in the front. I listened, I did my homework, I showed up every day to class, and I managed to get into that teaching program. I had a great interview. I'm good at an interview, but it was the tension of life that really propelled me towards wanting to do something beyond bartending in a really small town, right? And I just want to say there's something to that, like there's something to that. It doesn't mean we don't encourage our kids to consider all the options, and we don't encourage our kids to take pride in their work, but I think we get it gets mixed up in the messaging when we start to become afraid and they become disillusioned and discouraged, and all of a sudden it's a battle between us about their future, instead of them sitting inside, what are the possibilities for my future? Does that make sense? So I'm really playing with this. It feels kind of radical, a little bit to be, you know, talking about this topic, but I just, I just think that we could be doing a better job of getting out of the way so that our kids, our teens, specifically, could can really feel out what it is that they want. I think they don't know what they want in a lot of cases, because we're so busy telling them what they should want, and telling them how what they're doing isn't going to get them to where they need to go, where they need to go, where we think they need to go, and they just can't they don't have the space to consider, where is it that I want to go. What do I want? What do I want? What do I want as a 16 year old, as a 14 year old? And sometimes, you know, when the kids are really young, like early adolescence, you know, it's less about you don't need to be talking about college so much as you know what? What is the benefit here? And that's, that's where it gets really messy, because, as we've seen over the last year, when we take away, you know, connection and relationship and are just left with, like, the subjects and our adolescents are like, this is crap. I don't need this and and they might be right when they say that what they need is to develop life skills, to develop relationship skills, to develop advocacy right, to be able to develop a vision, to start to develop a vision. What do you want? And we want them to be resourceful. We want them to know that they have agency. Right anyway. What do you guys think about all this? What are you thinking? What's the pushback? I want the pushback. I want the yeah butts. And I also want to hear from those of you that are following, that are that are that are getting it. And you know, I encourage you to talk to your kids about this. Yes, have them listen to this podcast and say, Is this gallon to something? I'm gonna have my kids listen. I don't know if they'll listen to the whole thing, but I've been talking about this with my family a lot too. You know, in my circumstance, I did have a child who opted out of high school, opted out of school completely, and like I said, it was terrifying and required a depth of patience and trust and faith that I've never really tapped into before. And you know now she's got she has a vision for herself. She got her GED, and she's working through a program that's going to certify her to be an esthetician. She wants to move on to being a master esthetician. She wants to work in the medical field like she's, you know, and we'll see, we'll see how it all pans out. But the beauty of it is that she has a vision, and she knows that, okay, if I want something different, I can just go for it. I can choose something different, but she is the designer of her life, and that is so, so, so, so exciting to me. That's what I want most. So there you go. I hope this was useful to you. I hope this was useful to you. I think that we are raising a generation of amazing humans. I'm so excited to see how the living through this pandemic, you know, molds them and and elevates them. I think, you know, there's a lot of talk about how hard it is on their mental health. But I, I, there isn't a lot of talk yet about, you know, I hate to use this word, but like, what are the benefits? Like, where have they grown? Where's like, what does resiliency look like in these kids? Because it's amazing what they've lived through. It's amazing, and it'll be amazing to see. I love this generation, Gen Z. Man, so beautiful, so beautiful. Okay, that's what I've got for you today. Be in touch. Thank you for listening, my friends. Thank you. If you are a new listener, welcome. If you are a longtime listener, I'm so appreciative of you. If you feel inspired and you haven't already, do me a favor and head over to Apple podcasts and leave a five star review. We are working hard to stand out and make a massive impact on families around the globe, and your review helps the joyful courage podcast to be seen by even more parents. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Also follow joyful underscore courage on Instagram. I'm on Facebook. I love connecting with you on social media, I've got two groups on Facebook, joyful courage for parents of teens and live in love with joyful courage, both really powerful, safe, loving communities for parents that are trying to make sense of where they're at on their journey. So I've got you stay connected. Big, love