Eps 267: Solo Show- Dissecting Beliefs Behind Behavior Part 3: Revenge

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:03
Kay, Hello friends. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting. I am your host. Casey O'Brien, positive discipline trainer, parent coach and mom walking the path right next to you as I am perfectly raised my own two teenagers. Joyful courage is all about grit, growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. Today's show is a solo show, and I encourage you to listen for how grit shows up as I tease apart this week's topic. Thank you so much for listening. I am so deeply honored to lead you, grateful that what I put out matters to you, and super stoked to keep it coming. Thank you for who you are and for being in the community. Enjoy the show.

Okay, hello, hello, hello, my friends, welcome back to the show. I have to be totally honest with you, I'm having one of those days where I am so distractible, super distractible, really feeling slow moving. I'm literally wrapped up in a blanket right now. I have not brushed my teeth today. Maybe I shouldn't be admitting that to all of you, but I'm going to, because, you know me, I like to be authentic and transparent, and that's what is alive for me after I record this show, though, I'm gonna go brush my teeth and it's gonna feel amazing, yeah. But Hi, hi, hi, hi. I'm so excited to be back with you, just you and me a solo show. Yeah, I am super excited for so much happening right now, so much alignment in the joyful courage world. It just things really feel good, good, good, good. Despite the fact that I feel a little weird today, overall, things are feeling amazing in joyful courage land. I want to give a gigantic amount of love to all of the parents that are going through the parent for the season you're in live course with me, this week is our final week, and I have just been so honored and so grateful to be able to serve parents in this super high touch way. What a killer group of people. As I've mentioned before, it's so special to have this podcast space to share with you. I love being in your ear. But this, this situation, it just goes next level, when we can be an even deeper relationship through working together. So to all my seasons, parents, thank you again for being a yes and really showing up to that offer. So great. And I want everybody who's listening to mark your calendars, because I am going to be leading another group through parenting for the season you're in in May. So stay tuned for that. This is a program for parents of tweens and teens and super high touch and just really amazing and awesome, if I don't say so myself because of who shows up, not because of me, but because of the community that shows up to the program. It's really powerful. Okay, yes, I wanted to tell you about that. So solo show today. All right, we are continuing with the series around the belief behind the behaviors that we see with our kids. So way back, it feels like a long time ago, back in episode 261 I gave you a bit of an overview about belief behind behavior. And just to remind you, and kind of prime you for today's show, beliefs behind behaviors are what is happening under the surface that is motivating or influencing our kids to behave the way that they're behaving, right? Think iceberg. It has to do with their beliefs about belonging and significance. It has to do about our beliefs, because it's not just our kids whose behavior is motivated by their perception of belonging and significance, it's really humans. And you know, this whole concept, this is a positive discipline thing. Remember, I'm a positive discipline trainer. This is all coming out of that program. And remember, positive discipline is based on Adlerian, the. Theory, Adlerian theory finds, again, that human behavior is motivated by our perception of belonging and significance. So are we connected? Are we connected to our families? Are we connected to our school community? Are we connected to the community at large? Do our contributions matter? These are the questions that we're asking. Another way to talk about belief behind the behavior is to call them mistaken goals of behavior. So you're going to hear me, as I've mentioned in previous episodes, you're going to hear me kind of switch between those two phrases, belief behind behavior, mistaken goals. Okay? Mistaken goals show up when there is a mistaken idea about belonging and significance. This is important to keep in mind our kids, our tweens, our teens, they are powerful perceivers, but not great at meaning making, and that makes sense, right? Because they have a limited amount of life experience to make sense of what is happening around them. Hence their mistaken perceptions around belonging and significance. They misread things right, and then they use that, you know, misread little tidbit and create meaning around it. So I'm just gonna review for a second, just to bring you all back up to speed as we get into this week's mistaken goal. There are four mistaken goals. Again. This comes from the work of Rudolf dreichers, who studied under Alfred Adler. He came up with this whole thing around mistaken goals. There are four mistaken goals, four beliefs behind behavior. We covered the first one, undo attention during episode 263, we covered the second mistaken goal, which is called misguided power, during episode 265, and the third mistaken goal that we're going to tackle today is called Revenge. In the show notes for this episode, you will find a downloadable PDF of the belief behind behavior chart that I'm using to guide you through all these principles. So if you want to pause the podcast for a minute, get your hands on that. Great. It's there for you as a resource. All right, so this week's mistaken goal, the third of four mistaken goals is called Revenge. This is one that when I initially was trained in positive discipline and learned about mistaken goals was so powerful to me, I'm going to take you back in time. So my kids were three and one. When I first became trained in positive discipline. I had actually been teaching love and logic way, way, way back. And I don't know there was some things that were kind of bugging me about that program. And I just figured, you know, there's always more to learn. I want to just expand my toolbox of parenting support my really good friend, shout out to Jeanette. I adore you. Was always talking about positive discipline. And so I googled it, and it turned out there was a training happening three weeks later in Seattle, which was pretty close to me. And I went. And at the time, like I said, my kids were three in one, so I had, like, a preschooler age kid, and I had this little boy who was kind of moving into the Waddle toddler days. And it was, those were some rough times. It's hard having kids that age. I mean, as hard as it is, the teen years have been, it's a different flavor of heart, like it's intense, and I'm thinking about my sister, my sweet, sweet sister, who's pregnant with her second and her daughter's four, and I'm just remembering like, oh my god, yeah, that was intense. And one of the dynamics that was happening is that I was having a really hard time with Rowan, my daughter, three years old, sweetest little girl ever. But for whatever reason, she would kind of pick on Ian and I would pick on her, and it was just this cycle that we were in. I didn't realize that was what was happening until I did my positive discipline training and I learned about mistaken goals, and I realized that really Rowan and I were trapped in the revenge, mistaken goal most of the time, and even as we as she got older, you know, this was kind of a place where we this is kind of a place where we can go in our in the dynamic of our relationship. I talk a lot about taking things personally, and if you're someone who is like constantly feeling hurt by your child's behavior, and we're gonna get into this, chances are this is what's under the surface. So anyway, mind blower for me. Now remember to get to the bottom of our kids mistaken goals, their belief. Guess behind their behavior. We have to tune into how their behavior makes us feel. Remember that it isn't about looking at what they're doing and making a guess, because a kid can be, you know, struggling with homework, and fall into any of the four mistakes and goals. It's not about the homework. It's about what's going on under the surface. It's about how their behavior makes us feel, and it's about teasing apart their perception of how they belong and matter. Okay? So it's not about looking at what they're doing. It's about tuning into our parents experience and exploring in that place first, okay? Undue attention, if you remember, leaves us feeling annoyed or irritated, like that sensation of having a pesky fly around us that won't go away, like it's just freaking irritating, right?

The mistake, the misguided power, mistaken goal, leaves us feeling challenged or threatened. And when I think about that, I like to tie a physical sensation to the emotion. And to me, the physical sensation of misguided power is my hackles being raised, right, like I kind of puff up I might get into, like a metaphorical fighter stance, kind of that I'll show you. And we talked about that a couple episodes ago. Well, we can guess that our child's mistaken goal is revenge. That's what the third goal is. The third mistaken goal is called revenge when we are feeling hurt or defeated or disappointed, the physical sensation is like having that punch to the gut like that. It's almost like, and then that experience of just like, how could you do that? How could you do that? Why did you do that? How could you and there's a lot of things that can leave us feeling this way, right? You know, when our kids, our teens, are unkind to each other or to our to us, when they're destructive, when they're hurting themselves, when they're rejecting us, being in relationship with us, when they're withdrawn. But again, it isn't so much about their behavior as how we feel when they're engaging in this behavior, right? So here's how things typically play out when the mistaken goal that our child is engaged in is revenge. And I'm going straight to the belief behind behavior chart. I'm pulling it right up. So revenge, our experience is we feel hurt, disbelieving, or maybe even disgusted, like I can't believe you would do that right, and we tend to react to their behe behavior by retaliating, getting even thinking, How could you do this to me and or taking the behavior personally, right? And then this is the typical responses, right? So we would typically respond that way, and then the child or teen will typically respond with retaliating, then to us, hurting others, damaging property, looking for ways to get even, intensifying the behavior, escalating the same behavior, or choosing another weapon, another way to lash out. Now, the belief behind the behavior when our kids are in revenge is I don't think I belong, so I will hurt others as I feel hurt I can't be liked or loved. Kind of break your heart a little bit how we contribute? We adults contribute. Here's some kind of mindsets and thought processes that contribute to our child's belief of not belonging and being hurt by that. I'll give advice without listening to you, because I think I'm helping so that feeds into revenge. I worry more about what the neighbors think than what you need that. And you know, I know I say that, and you might be listening thinking, oh my gosh, I do not care about what the neighbors think. And I just want to challenge you and really think about things that your teen or child has engaged in, where you have felt like, Oh, God, I'm embarrassed by that, right? That come that's kind of the same as worrying about what other people think. And I get it, because I've absolutely been there when Rowan dropped out of school. I was like, Oh, my God. How am I gonna like, how am I gonna show up to my community and be like, Yeah, I was definitely cared about what other people think I I cared about what other people were gonna think about her and me, right? So before you kind of laugh that off and think, Oh, that's not me. I don't care what other people think, I want you to really dig into that. And then finally, when adults contribute by thinking I have to hurt you, to teach you not to hurt others. And this isn't like I'm going to beat the shit out of you to teach you not to hurt others, but this might be, you know, moving towards and this is something that shows up a lot in conversations with parents of teens, when they feel like their teen is being disrespectful, right? When they feel like you know their teen is talking to them in a way that isn't okay, well, Give me that phone, right? I'm gonna make you pay for being hurtful. Now, when our child or our teen is in this place, right, of deep pain, of feeling disconnected, of not trusting or believing that they can be liked or loved. What their behavior is actually coded message for is one they want us to see. I'm hurting. Please validate my feelings. And so one of the things that I work with my clients on, especially clients who have kids that are in deep pain, and let's be honest, I mean, look at the world right now. I know I talk a lot about this, and I've been talking about it lately, and like, really in the question of, you know, this pandemic, this the state of the world right now, is deeply unsettling to all of us. And you know, I'm 47 years old. I have 47 years of life experience to work on making sense of what the world looks like right now, and even if I can't really make sense of it, I at least have enough skills and wherewithal to come to a place of trusting and believing that we're going to get to a new normal and we're going to be okay a 16 year old, a 14 year old, 12 year old, that's going to be a harder task, right? That's going to be a harder task. And so I think a lot of the hurt, a lot of the underlying issue that we're seeing with our kids that manifest in this mistaken goal comes from that feeling of uncertainty, that fear, the worry, the uncertainty about, well, what's going to happen next? This is a generation of kids that have had active shooter drills, right? What's the message of an active shooter drill? This could happen, so we have to prepare, I mean, and I just want to take a minute and really think about the people in Boulder, Colorado right now, in that community, because as I record, the shooting at the grocery store in Boulder happened yesterday, and I found out about it because I jumped on my Facebook page and saw my dear friend Audrey had posted, she lives in Boulder, and she said, Serena and I are okay, that grocery store was a mile from her house and a place that she would go and grab things when needed. Yeah. So side note, thinking about those people, and it's in this context, is is where our kids are growing up. I mean, we can protect them. We can, you know, not only that, but I shout out to all of my friends out there that are listening. Who are people of color? Shout out to all the families, the moms and dads that are listening right now, who are Asian American, who are living in a country where somebody will show up and shoot up their place of business. You know? I mean, there is plenty happening in the world right now, in our country, here in America, that is painful for our teenagers to try to make sense of, because it's nonsensical. So when they're in the revenge cycle, right, when they're in this revenge it's not necessarily you hurt me, Mom, you hurt me, Dad, now I'm gonna lash back out at you. It's more like they're carrying this backpack of hurt, and it's so heavy they have to take it off. They have to pass it on. They have to get rid of it. And you know, Mom and Dad tend to or siblings, right? Tend to be really. Easy places to pass it off to, right? And then we get mad because our feelings are hurt, because it's not okay. And, you know, we retaliate, we get even we take it personally, which we're human, so I get why we do that, but there's a better way to respond. Let's get to that. Okay, let's get to that. So I'm hurting, validate my feelings. That is what is happening for our kids. When we feel that punch to the gut, that's an indicator that something deeper is happening for our kids.

So we're going to kind of push aside the offensive behavior for just for now. Okay, we're going to push that aside, and we're going to see the child inside of the behavior and some of the tools that we can use that will support both ourselves and our child as well as the relationship that we have with them at the very start is to validate their hurt feelings. Right? Like, wow. You know, it might sound like, wow, that that really hurt. I'm guessing that something's going on with you. Do you want to talk about it like I see I see you hurting. I see you having a hard time with your sibling, and I'm wondering what's going on for you. Um, don't take the behavior personally. Right again, we're going to push aside those hurt feelings and recognize that it's an indicator that something deeper is going on with our child. We get to step out of this revenge dance that we're in with our kids by avoiding Punishment and Retaliation. So as much as our instinct, that gut response is Whoa, really? How could you talk to me like that? Give me your phone. Why do you make you know you're so mean, right? Or whatever we're going to avoid that and see our child in their pain. Another tool is suggesting a little time out for the both of you, meaning like time to regather time to take care of ourselves. So it could sound like something's going on. And why don't we take a minute and catch our breath and come back to this? Because I can see that you're hurting and I'm hurting, and let's take care of ourselves before we move into discussing and teasing apart what's going on, right? And then, once you have calmed down, focus on solutions to the problems that are coming up. Use reflective listening. Share your feelings using iMessages. So I feel I feel hurt when you walk in the door and immediately start telling me all the things that are wrong about the environment before you even say hello, and I wish you would just connect with me, or I wish you would tell me what was going on, apologize and make amends if needed, Right? Because sometimes, when our kids are in revenge and we get that gut punch and we feel hurt, we lash out and we're the adults, one way that we can support our child in feeling that connection and mend that relationship is to make things right and to say, Wow, I yelled at you, and that's not an okay way to treat another person. I just want to own that. And when I see that you've come home and you're in a bad mood, I might just take a minute and give you some space so that I don't get you know, so that I can stay in a space where I can be helpful and not hurtful to you, right?

Encourage their strengths, involve them in finding solutions during family meetings and one on one conversations, right? So remember their mistaken goal is, I don't think I belong, so I'll hurt as others as I feel hurt I can't be liked or left. So this could be our kids having a challenging time with their friend group, or at school out in the neighborhood, and then coming in and being mad at everybody, right? This could be us having done something. I mean, it's not so much like these mistaken goals aren't like in the moment. Okay, so now they're in a power struggle, and now they're in revenge. Now they're wanting attention like it tend our kids tend to gravitate towards one. Or two of these sometimes, you know, it can also evolve. I don't know if I've said this in other podcasts. So sometimes our kids might start off in that undue attention, look at me, pay attention to me, notice me. That's how I know I belong. And then it's not happening. They're not being connected with in the way that they need. And so they move into, well, okay, fine. If you're not going to notice me, then I'm going to I know what I can do to notice for you to notice me, I'm going to get I'm going to be the boss, I'm going to be defiant, I'm not going to do what you want me to do. And then we're in power struggles with our child, and if the power struggles continue to escalate and escalate and escalate, then our kids can start to feel really hurt by that, and then they move into this revenge. And again, this doesn't happen like all in one day. This happens can happen over time. So your job, moms and dads out there that are listening, your job is to pay attention to how the behavior makes you feel do your own personal growth, work of keeping it together, staying regulated, taking the balcony seat if you need to to see the broader picture. Okay, something is going on with my child under the surface of their behavior. Trust that you don't need to highlight whatever the offensive behavior is in this moment, but instead, it's going to be even more powerful and more effective in the long run, to get curious about what is happening under the surface and meet your Kids there. Does that make sense? Meeting your kids there, and that's how we take care of the misbehavior is by the kids who feel like I don't think I belong, so I'll hurt others as I feel hurt I can't be liked or loved when we can support them in shifting that belief towards I'm connected, I matter, I'm contributing, then you're not going to see the hurtful behavior that you're seeing now. Does this mean that we never address hurtful behavior? No, that's not what this means. However, if we're going to keep addressing the hurtful behavior without going under the surface and really looking for what it is that's influencing and motivating the behavior. That behavior is going to keep showing up my friends. So we have to go under the surface. We have to go under the surface. We have to do our work as the adults in the relationship of putting aside those hurt feelings and feelings of rejection, believe me, I know it's hard, and we have to see the pain that our child or our teen is in and get curious there. Now, if you're in a really good revenge cycle, you might say, Okay, I'm going to do this thing and I'm going to approach my child, and they might be like, Get away from me. I don't want to talk about it. In fact, they probably will. They probably will, and that's okay. That's okay, because sometimes we need to do more with action and less with words. And so it might sound like, Okay, well, I can tell that you're hurting, and I just want you to know that I'm here for you, and I'm going to check in with you a little later. Let everybody's lids, everybody's self regulated, everybody's lids are coming back online, and then revisit it with your child, and maybe they still aren't really wanting to share, and then you can let them know. You know, I just I have concerns, because what showed up this afternoon, it's not really who you are, and usually when people act like that, it's an indication that they're hurting in some way. And I just want you to know that I see you hurting, and I love you and I'm here for you. Okay, so that is the third belief behind behavior from the mistaken goal chart, revenge, revenge and Yeah, remember, if you practice some of the solutions that I shared solutions from that last column of the chart, and they're not useful. Your child is probably coming from a different belief. So maybe they're, you know, there's defiance, and there's backtalk, and you think, oh yeah, this kind of feels like that punch to the gut thing. And then you use some of the practices in the right hand column of the chart, and they don't seem to help. Well, maybe it's not revenge, maybe it's not that your child is hurting. Maybe your maybe your child's in misguided power. Maybe they've got something else going on, or maybe they're in. The mistaken goal that we're going to cover in a couple weeks. Okay, so we're going to just hold all of this really lightly. It's not an exact science, but I love this work because it gives us, you know, this, this idea of going under the surface, I think, is so important. It's so deep, you guys, it's so deep and meaningful and long term and human to human, and that's really what lights me up about it. So download the chart, put it on the fridge, go back and listen to the other podcasts if you haven't, because it's this is powerful work. So for this week, I just want to give a shout out to all of you parents out there who are feeling that hurt, disappointment, disbelieving, disgust with your child's behavior. I see you. I see you. And a even bigger shout out to all the teens and kids out there who are hurting, man, I see you too, and the adults love you so much. I know that there's, I mean, other than my daughter who does my show notes, there really aren't any teenagers listening. But we love you teenagers, and we may be missing the mark a little bit, but please know that we parents, we adults, we're doing the best that we can with the tools that we have, and always, always striving to do better. Right next week will be an interview, and after that, we will come back together to dive into the final mistaken goal, which is assumed inadequacy. So I will see you here solo show a couple weeks, next week with an interview. Thank you so much for listening.

All right, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If you feel inspired and you haven't already, please do me a favor and head over to Apple podcasts and leave a review, we are working so hard to stand out and make a massive impact on families around the globe. Your review helps the joyful courage podcast to be seen by even more parents. Thank you for taking a few minutes to do that. Also follow joyful underscore courage on Instagram, Facebook. I love connecting with you on social media. And again, if you're interested in finding out more about the membership program for moms of tweens and teens that starts next week, go to joyful courage.com/ljc. Again, that's www dot joyful courage.com/ljc, living. Joyful courage. I'm so so excited for that space and to be supporting Mama's that way. All right. Big. Love you.