Eps 181: A Solo Show Exploring The Myths and Realities of Positive Parenting

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:05
what is up podcast, listeners, I am so glad that you have found yourself at the joyful courage podcast. This is a place where we celebrate real and raw conversations about raising kids with conscious parenting and positive discipline. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, I'm a facilitator. I'm a parent coach. Most importantly, I am a mom of two teenagers, and I am walking the path of more mindful, intentional parenting right alongside of you. Please know that this podcast is created for you. I create it for you and for our community. And if you love it, feel free to share it with all of your family and friends over social media. Let's spread the word. Let's get as many people as possible listening to this show. Please write a review on Apple's podcast, formerly known as iTunes, and join the Patreon community, where parents, just like you are contributing just a small little amount each month to the show and enjoying perks like monthly webinars and community conversations about the content you hear on this podcast. Check the show notes for links and more details on all of that. I am so, so grateful that you are here and now enjoy the show. Hey, Hi, there, my friends. Hi, solo show today for you, solo show, it's just me, me and my thoughts. And you know, I get a lot of feedback from you all that you really appreciate my solo shows, and I have to tell you, that makes me feel really good. Because, you know, in my own mind, I think, Hey, I've got a lot of good things to say, but there's something that happens that's really special. When somebody else says, Hey, what you shared, it felt like it was coming, you know, straight out of my own mind. So that makes me really happy. And on that note, somebody actually shared by giving a shout out on iTunes review. So I'm going to share this review with all of you. It's a five star review called only love today by a listener who is calling themselves, You are my sunshine. You are my sunshine. Wrote, Casey brings real life parenting and a wealth of knowledge every week in her podcast, her honesty and her ability to be real and transparent is so appreciated. I have always felt that the traditional parenting styles of the past never fit how I wanted to parent my kids, but I needed more insight and discussion around it. I'm so very grateful for Casey's weekly podcast, Facebook groups and classes the way she discusses the practice of positive discipline has provided me with so many new tools and a new community of parents wanting the same things for that I am eternally thankful. Love you, Casey. Oh, love you. You are my sunshine like for real, for real. Man, I can't even tell you how good it is to pop into iTunes and see a new review like that, and a lot of you just send me private messages or emails and let me know how the podcast is supporting you. And I'm I would love to request if you're willing to please take some time and write a review on iTunes. It helps the show in so many ways, one of which is that it makes it more likely that iTunes will show the podcast to people that are looking for parenting podcasts. So you're really doing me a solid if you're willing to write an iTunes review, and then you know what, I'll read it. I'll read it on the show. And isn't that so exciting? I'm sure it is today. What I really want to talk about is when I started writing today's show, I was thinking about finding inner peace while parenting, and the visual that I had was like a person sitting on a meditation cushion as everything in the room is moving and swaying and doing its due, right, and the person on the cushion is in their center and in their piece, while, even as I wrote that, I was laughing, and I thought, you know, I might as well say, find a unicorn. So what I want to talk about today, really is the myths of positive parenting as well as the realities of positive parenting. Because I think that just like the person that left the review right, just like the person that left the iTunes review, you know, we there's, there's certain, certain things about traditional, mainstream parenting styles that rub us the wrong way, by us, I mean those of you that listen to this show otherwise, why would you be listening? Listening. And because of that, we're looking for something different. We're looking for something that, you know lands in our soul and in our heart, something that feels right, right, that where our intuition gets lit up, right? And so we think, you know, there's this broad umbrella of thought and philosophy that's called positive parenting. And I think as we move towards positive parenting, which positive discipline absolutely exists under the umbrella, as we move towards positive parenting and even positive discipline, there are some misguided ideas of what it means like if I am a positive parent, or if I really perfect this positive discipline thing, there are certain things that we then expect to be true in our life. And the first myth that I want to talk about is that everything is peaceful all the time. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna let that sit with all of you, right? Because I can, I am actually experiencing the eye roll that you're doing right now, the idea that everything is peaceful all the time, right? And, you know, in positive discipline, we have an activity that really focuses on the continuum between parenting styles, right? And on one end, is this really firm that authoritarian? Many of us were raised this way, authoritarian style, right? Which is my way or the highway? Lots of rules, lots of consequences, perhaps order, right? But not a lot of freedom. And then on the other extreme is this really nurturing, loosey, goosey, permissive style, right? It might be fun, might be creative, but also unsafe. And, you know, there's really no rules. Expectations are blurry. Kids are looking for boundaries, and they're not there. Parents are exhausted, right? There's these two, again, extremes, and in the middle, right? In the middle is this kind and firm style, and that's really what positive discipline is. Is this kind and firm style, right? It looks like mutual respect. It looks like an encouraging space. It looks like joint problem solving, right? It looks like, you know, parents who are in the work of creating and practicing self regulation so that they can be available to their kids, which I talk about in a little bit. But even when we're there, there's this idea, when I do this activity in live classes, you know, everybody kind of laughs, and they're like, Well, yeah, that's like utopia, right? Where everybody's getting along and but the reality is, the shit is still hitting the fan in the kind and firm household, right? And I'm gonna talk more about that, but it's when we put it in this idea that, well, you know, we'll be doing it right when everybody gets along and everybody wants to problem solve, and everybody wants to talk about their feelings and where they're feeling it in their body, and when we hold that as we will have arrived, when we get there, we're gonna feel kind of crappy a lot of the time, because it feels super elusive. It feels like like something that's up on a pedestal that we can't ever show up to. And I think for those of you that have been listening to the podcast for long enough, know that that's not what I you know. That's not the vibe that I want to create here. We're all about progress here. And if you're a new listener, hey, yay, glad that you're here. Welcome. Go back and listen to more shows, because this is about the ebb and the flow and the impermanence and the problem solving and the messiness, right? So that myth of everything is peaceful all the time if we choose into positive parenting is one that I just want to say, not true. I right

Speaker 1 9:00
The other myth,

Casey O'Roarty 9:10
the other myth that shows up, I think, is that if we choose into positive parenting, if this is our chosen style, that our kids won't get into any trouble or any mischief. Well, again, if you've been listening to the podcast for any length of time, you know that this is just not true, right? Kids and teens are perceiving what is happening around them, and they're making meaning of what they're perceiving, right? They're They filter the world through their individual developing lens, and it makes sense that they get it wrong and respond in a way that seems, you know, inconvenient, annoying, irritating, right, defiant, all the things our kids and teens are in the process of developing and learning. Life Skills, right? They've had limited experience. I mean, think about how many decisions you make throughout the day, simply by doing that quick like looking through your back catalog of what happened last time, what did I learn? How can I write? We do that almost. We do that unconsciously. And I don't know how old you are, but I'm 45 so I have 45 years of life experience to be like, how am I going to navigate this? What have I done in the past? And I have this huge, energetic Rolodex, right, that I get to kind of quickly go through to base my decision on. Now, think about your child, and it doesn't matter if your child is two or 10 or 18, they still have a very limited Rolodex, right? They're doing the best they can with the tools they have, which means that, yeah, they're going to get it wrong and they are going to get into mischief, right? So that's the second myth. Is that positive parents have kids who are really easygoing and don't ever make any mistakes. The third and final myth that I just want to highlight for y'all is that you will enjoy every minute of parenting. Who started this rumor because I want to take them down, right? I mean, I guess there are parents out there that are truly in bliss land all the time when it comes to their kids and parenting, you know, and I know that there are parents out there who had a very difficult time conceiving and their their story of of becoming parents, maybe was, was one that was a road, a rocky road, and so there's a different level of of of being with the experience. And I, and I don't want to disregard that. I mean, I think every single one of us is so lucky to have the kids that we have. And and I this is not a conversation about that, right? This is a conversation about the fact that it is hard and sometimes we don't like it, right? It is hard and sometimes we don't like it. We can love our kids unconditionally with no doubt for sure, and not enjoy every single minute of it. Doesn't make us bad parents. Okay, doesn't make us bad parents. I mean, if we're gonna spew all over Instagram and Facebook about how crappy our kids are, that's one thing, right? You might wanna rein that in, but that feeling that sometimes we have of just like, ugh, I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. And then the follow up feeling of, oh my gosh, I'm such a horrible person. Just not useful. Okay? You enjoying every minute of parenting. Every minute of parenting is not, you know, it's just, it's a myth, right? That that positive parents, peaceful parents, peaceful parents, positive discipline. Parents love every minute. It's a myth. Okay, so I'm releasing you from thinking that you're a bad person if you're not enjoying every minute. Now, let's talk a little bit about the realities of positive parenting, the realities of moving towards positive discipline. One it takes work. Many of us are coming into parenting with all sorts of baggage, and we're all on different parts of the journey of self awareness, which, again, if you've listened to this podcast for any length of time, you know that what I'm about is beyond parenting tips and tools and really about personal growth and development for us parents as we navigate this road, right having children, I think, gives us a choice. One, resist growing and evolving and stay stuck in power struggles and pain for however long your children are with you and beyond. Or two, be open to learning and growing and enjoy a connected relationship with our children. You know, it's really, that's really what it's about. And I find that when I initially start to work with parents, the focus is on their kids and their kids behavior. And as we move forward and they start to make some realizations about how they're contributing to the relationship, things start to open up and expand, and it shifts the dynamics really, really powerfully, right? We get to Oh yeah, and being open to learning and growing. I just want to say it's no small thing, right? It's not just like, oh yeah. I want to do that now, right? It's, it's vulnerable, and it takes work and the journey puts everything that we believe, everything that we know to be true, in front of us with this quite these questions of, well, what if this isn't true? What if there is another way to see this? What if this is simply my truth? I. Right then, I think that my venture into the teen years, you know, when the kids are younger, they're not really pushing up against, you know, values and what we hold to be true and our vision. But once they move into the teen years, and they start individuating, and they start really developing into who they are as separate individuals in a new and different way. That's when they're really bumping up against, or we're bumping up against, the idea that, Oh, wow, I might need to let go of who I thought you were, who I wanted you to be, and just really embrace and love and support who you are. And that's easier said than done. In practice, I know this because I live this right. We get to decide how to hold on, how attached to remain, and when to let go, when to hand over the reins. Right? It's wild. It's wild. Yeah, so first reality of positive parenting. It takes work. Second reality is it's more about your self regulation than anything else. I just this morning read a great article by Mona della hook about I actually posted it in the live in love with joyful courage page about challenging behavior and self regulation. And she says in this article, too often what we expect from children makes a false assumption that children possess top down control that allows them to think about their bodies and minds and control their behaviors. The truth is that many behaviorally challenged children do not yet have this ability, and I would just take the word behaviorally out right many children, many children don't yet have this ability. Parents tend to believe. She writes that if a child sometimes sometimes displays control, then the child always has the ability to do so. That mistaken belief reveals an expectation gap, a disparity between adults assumptions and the child's abilities. And finally, she says, self regulation is a developmental process that we can nurture and encourage in one way, through the experience of emotional co regulation with caring and attuned adults. I'm going to read that again, self regulation is a developmental process that we can nurture and encourage in one way, through the experience of emotional co regulation with caring and attuned adults. I love this because it aligns so deeply with what I believe this work is about us getting our shit together. And yes, of course, we want the same for our kids. Of course, yes, and like Dr delahuk says, it requires parents to be regulated and attuned to their kids, toddlers to teens, people, toddlers to teens. The third reality of positive parenting, your child's behavior is not an accurate indicator of whether or not you're doing it, right? Hmm, this is a biggie, right? All along the way, from how they potty train to whether or not they experiment with substances, we are quick to take the blame when things go sideways, and while I do 100% believe there are ways of being in relationship with our kids that support them in learning and growing. There are also other factors at work, like brain development, temperament, beliefs they have about themselves and others, relationships that they are navigating. What if, instead of judging ourselves by our children's mistakes and missteps, we flip the whole thing over and start to tune in with what the relationship with our child is. Ask yourself right now, what does it look like when your child screws up? How are you showing up for them?

What are the dots they are connecting? Is there space for them to actually take and hold responsibility, or are you perhaps unknowingly holding all the responsibility for their behavior? This has been coming up so much lately with the parents in the parenting teen academy that I'm running, as well as with private clients and in my own home, we have a vision for our kids, don't we? I mean, even the most evolved of us, at least, have a vision of wanting our children to grow into healthy, happy, fulfilled adults, right? How many of us are asking our kids what they want? I mean, I know this is kind of a duh question, but really, what do they want? And I'm going to make a very unscientific, not yet backed by science or research, claim that kids in connected, supportive relationships with their parents, who have a basic idea of what they want and are allowed to make mistakes, tend to feel that their path is theirs to. Create and follow. I'm going to say that again, kids in connected, supportive relationships with their parents, who have a basic idea of what they want, are allowed to make and are allowed to make mistakes. Tend to feel that their path is theirs to create and follow

doesn't mean that they don't screw up. Doesn't mean that they don't feel the tension of failure, but you guys, this is where life skills grow. This is where life skills grow, right? I just had a conversation with my son. I'm just gonna do a little sidebar. He you know, fortunately or unfortunately, both of my kids schooling has been a piece of cake, like elementary school, no problem. Middle School, no problem. Not a lot of homework in middle school. A little worried about that, but it's okay, just rolling with it. And I had this conversation with him, and I just said, you know, babe, school's been, you know, it's been pretty easy for you to navigate school, and eventually you're going to get to a grade level or a part in your educational career where things are going to be hard and it's going to require you to study, which isn't really something that he has been asked to do. Study like really, study like flashcards and prepping and and, I mean, I don't know if that's him or the school system, or what, but I said eventually, you're going to get to a certain level in your education, and you're going to be asked to study, and it's going to feel really uncomfortable, and I just want you to realize that, you know, and it's going to feel kind of like a wall that you're bumping up against, and you're going to question whether or not You're capable. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna be there to support you, but I want you to recognize that that discomfort, that discomfort, is really your your journey of education calling you forth in a new way, right? You're up leveling in your education when you start to feel that tension of, Wow, this isn't so easy. This isn't coming to me. I'm gonna have to study so and perhaps that's gonna require him, like failing a test, or getting behind or having that tension of this doesn't feel the same. But what do I ultimately want? Right? What do I ultimately want? Bringing him back to what he wants. Does that make sense? So we learn through our experiences, and the learning goes next level when there is also someone there to love and support us, when we flail, right, when we fail, not chastise and judge, but really love and support us, and to also point out the tools and the skills and the qualities that we see in our kids, you know, even when they're face down, feeling defeated, right? So, yes, a reality of positive parenting is that your child's behavior is not an accurate indicator of doing it right, of you doing it right. Okay? And finally, it is messy. It's messy. I say it all the time. It's messy period. It just is. And even the people that you know, who, who on the outside, really have it together. They even, even them, they experience the messiness in one way or the other, doesn't mean there isn't a lot of love. The messiness is a part of the territory people. So grab a meditation cushion and settle in for the ride. I say this all the time. I learned it from my friend and mentor, Jody McVitie. The most powerful tool we have for influencing behavior is the relationship that we nurture with our kids, and that really is what the move towards positive parenting, the move towards positive discipline is all about. Is what does that relationship look like? And I have a super special message for those of you with teenagers right now, there isn't time to dick around, okay, if you are finding it difficult to connect with your teen, if you are feeling worried or scared about where you're at, where they're at, the choices they're making, if you feel like maybe you've missed the window you haven't hear me. You haven't there is room for you to learn some new tools. There is time to rebuild relationship. You owe it to your kids to try something new and different. The parenting teens Academy is all about this, right? I'm in it right now with my group, my current group of parents, and it's coming back around. It is a valuable, valuable four weeks of care. Community and content designed to support you and growing connection and responsibility in your home with your teens. Okay, each week of the program, you get positive discipline philosophy and strategies, as well as content around personal growth that will that you can weave into your daily life. You get to be a part of like, of a like minded group of parents who are in it with you. They see you, they mirror you, right? And they support you along the way, you get an hour long one on one call with me, where you and I get to focus directly on what is most important to you right now, with actionable steps for following through with the learning you get the entire parenting teens with positive discipline, audio summit as a resource to keep forever. But here's the deal, you have to apply for the program before April 7. I'm capping it at 20 participants, and applications are already coming in. I want to be sure that we are a good fit and that you're ready to do the work and be a part of the community. If you've made it this far in the show, I'm just going to be super direct and say, Apply. Apply. Now get your tail over there and apply to be a part of the May parenting teens academy group. Here's what current participants are saying. One mom says, I am using the content daily, and I'm feeling like the house and kids are happier for it. Another mom says, there have been so many ahas in this program. The things my teen is going through is exactly what he's supposed to be experiencing, though many of his behaviors are challenging right now, they will serve him well as he becomes independent. A lot of my behaviors are because I have been taking these changes personally and because of fear, and my response is the part of the equation that I can control, looking closely at my own behavior and gradually making changes to my approach will help me build and maintain a positive relationship with my teen. And finally, another mom says I have so much confidence in Casey's leadership, it feels very vulnerable to discuss our family challenges with others and dig into my own emotionally raw places. Casey has created a safe and supportive class environment by sharing her own experiences, wisdom and vulnerability, while setting expectations of confidentiality and trust within our group. So I mean, I reading those makes me feel so good. I just this is what I've been called to do people, I am going to be unapologetic about encouraging you to apply now for this program. It's making a huge difference in the lives of these parents, and I really don't want you to miss your chance. Go to www dot, joyful courage.com/j C A, P T, for more info and to apply, you'll also find more testimonials there and frequently asked questions. So again, that's w, w, w, dot, joyful courage.com/j, c a, p, t, the link will be in the show notes. You will not be sorry again. I'm taking applications through April 7, right? And the four week program begins Monday, May 6. I can't wait. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited. Tune in again next week, people tune in again. I will be sharing an interview with Meg Megan Wilson. You may know her from whole family rhythms. Check her out on Instagram. She and I talk a lot about finding and creating flow in the routines of our family. I loved this conversation until then, big love. Thank you so much for listening. Joyful courage community. Thank you so much for tuning in each and every week. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business pages on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google Play. I Heart Radio, really anywhere you find your favorite podcasts. Also, I mentioned Patreon at the beginning of the show. Check it out. Www.patreon.com/joyful courage. This is where you can contribute to the show and take advantage of patron perks like content rich monthly webinars and deeper discussions about what's being shared on the podcast. You will like it. Www, dot P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others, can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. So reach out. You can also sign up for my biweekly newsletter at joyful courage.com just go to the website. Sign up for that. Take a breath, drop in. Your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay. Big Love to each and every one of you have a beautiful rest of your day.