Eps 169: Solo Show, Compassion, Integrity and Bringing in 2019

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Hey, what is up podcast, listeners, I am so glad that you have found yourself at the joyful courage podcast. This is a place where we celebrate real and raw conversations about raising kids with conscious parenting and positive discipline. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, I'm a facilitator. I'm a parent coach. Most importantly, I am a mom of two teenagers, and I am walking the path of more mindful, intentional parenting right alongside of you. Please know that this podcast is created for you. I create it for you and for our community. And if you love it, feel free to share it with all of your family and friends over social media. Let's spread the word. Let's get as many people as possible listening to this show. Please write a review on Apple's podcast, formerly known as iTunes, and join the Patreon community, where parents, just like you are contributing just a small little amount each month to the show and enjoying perks like monthly webinars and community conversations about the content you hear on this podcast. Check the show notes for links and more details on all of that. I am so, so grateful that you are here and now. Enjoy the show. Hey listeners, Happy New Year. Oh my gosh, it's been a long time since I've been talking to you all. I just had to kick my kids out of the office to record the first podcast of 2019 I hope that everyone who's listening had an easy, breezy holiday, so grateful for friends and family and all the ways we were we my family was supported in enjoying the holiday season and now, holy cow, you Guys, we are in 2019 That is so weird. You know what's really weird is next year's 2020, what so weird. And there's so much to be excited about before I get into all of it, I am going to start a new tradition during my solo shows. I am going to share reviews from iTunes slash Apple podcasts, and I got a couple new reviews that came through last month. I am always so grateful when you are willing to show up there and provide feedback. It does so much for exposure, as far as people hearing about the show. So feedback really matters. The first review that I'm going to share comes from GAC sunshine. Shout out to you. Titled yay for real parenting advice. She gave me five stars. I'm a new listener, and found you through your excellent Tina Payne Bryson interview. Just listen to your 2018 recap episode as well, great work. I've subscribed and will be a regular listener. I also look forward to reading your book. Thank you for your excellent, realistic parenting insights. Yay. Thank you. Thank you for that feedback. And the second review I'm going to share is from Cass Thurston, Cass, you show up a lot on Instagram, chatting with me. Thank you. I appreciate that she titled her review top parenting podcast, five stars. This is the parenting podcast I recommend most to friends. Casey has such a great way of breaking down parenthood challenges and offering tips and commiseration with humility. She doesn't come across as preachy, and she is in it with us. Her guests are phenomenal. Her interviewing skills are wonderful, and her solo show insights always resonate. She experienced the humility of parenting at all stages and is it's evident. She truly wants to help. Thank you Casey, thank you Cass thank you so much both of you for sharing your feedback through the apple podcast app, website, whatever you want to call it, and listeners, if you would like to rate and review the show, I would love it. If you did, I am going to be sharing more reviews here so you might hear your name if you leave me a review, I'm really going to be encouraging you all to be sharing the show in 2019 I know that the content of this podcast is useful and powerful, because you tell me, you send me emails, you send me private messages, And you let me know that what is being created through this podcast is making a difference in your life, and I want as many parents as possible to be listening in this is how we raise a generation that can lead with compassion and integrity by parenting this way. Okay, so in this context, parenting is social justice. You sharing the podcast with others is stepping into social justice. Let's all be a part of changing the course and the direction of humanity by not only doing our own work to be more attuned and empathetic parents, but to support others in the work as well, right? So something I'm going to be talking a lot about in 2019 is compassion and integrity, and our duty to be engaging in conversations that support and forward others this way too. It can feel super vulnerable and scary. Believe me, I get behind this mic knowing that my voice, my story, my words, are going to be out in the universe, and I feel vulnerable, and sometimes it does feel scary, but guess what? Too bad it has to happen. I am called to share, and I know that sometimes we are called to do things, and we decide, yeah, I feel that, and that's a little too uncomfortable for me. Okay, guess what? People discomfort is not a reason to shy away from being vulnerable and being authentic and supporting others, right? Don't worry if they don't want to listen, they won't listen. But give people a chance by sharing it, right? Sharing the podcast, sharing the work that you're doing, and speaking of compassion and integrity. And for the sake of the conversation, I define compassion as sympathetic consciousness of another person's suffering. Well, actually, that's not how I define it. I think Wikipedia defines it like that, but I really like that definition sympathetic consciousness of another person's suffering and integrity is defined as being honest, decent and walking our talk. These are two big themes that I want to highlight this year, both in my personal practice of being a parent and a human on the planet, as well as with the people that I work with and all of you compassion and integrity. Yeah, it's juicy, right? It's juicy. Today, I'm going to share a bit about a book that I'm reading that is really blowing my mind. It's called the path is everywhere. I'm covering the jewels hidden within you, and it's by a guy named Matt Licata. So if you've listened to the show for very long, then you know that I love my energy worker, slash Reiki master. Friend. Shout out to Jessica Ryan. She has turned me on to the work of Matt Licata, and I am using this book as part of my soul care time reading a few pages in the morning to gather inspiration. And it's really, you know, fitting that it's the beginning of January, right? And this work that he writes into speaks into, is really powerful moving forward into a new year, right? So I'm not very far into the book, and what I read this morning gave me pause, and I decided that now would be the perfect time to bring it here and discuss it with all of you. The first part of the book is about what the author calls our shadow. Have you ever heard that term our shadow? This is the part of ourselves that pretty much lays dormant until it is jostled into wakefulness. Another way to make sense of it is the way that we feel when we're triggered. So being triggered by something our child says or does, or someone out in the world, something that they do or say that triggers us, that brings on that flood of emotion our shadow is what takes over when we are riding the emotional freight train. Maybe you've heard me talk about the emotional freight train, right? That that zero to 60 when we move into a way of being that is no longer useful or anything that we're proud of, right? Our shadow is the parts of ourselves that we may cloak in shame or guilt, the parts that we keep hidden. Most of us have a tendency to want to hide our shadow, to keep it deep inside, not letting it see the light of day. Many of us think we're pretty successful with this, right until we aren't. A lot of the clients that I see come to me because their shadow is making appearances on the parenting journey, and they want to fix it. They want to make it go away, right? They don't like that. They're yelling. They don't like that. They're getting angry and being harsh with their kids, right? Their shadow is showing up, and I.

And it's not who they want to be, right? And I have a shadow as well. She wants control and order. My shadow wants to know the outcome of everything, and she wants everyone to be on her agenda. My shadow takes the behavior of others deeply personally, quickly manifesting fear rejection and disrespect whenever I experience criticism and ridicule, right? And I think you've heard me speak into some of this on some of my prior solo shows, right? It's that tendency to move right into worst case scenario, to want to hold on tight, to be rigid. This is my shadow. My shadow, your shadow. Our shadows are a part of who we are. And if like me, you subscribe to life being purposeful, then perhaps our shadow isn't something that we should turn away from or get rid of. Perhaps our shadow is something we can turn towards and get curious about. And that's what Matt Licata really talks about in this book, and I'm just finding it so fascinating, especially as I kind of put over top of it this parenting lens. So you all know that I love the personal growth and development conversation. You know that I see parenting as one long personal growth and development workshop that never seems to end. And if you've been listening to this podcast or following my work for any length of time you know that I am deeply invested in supporting others and doing this work along with me. This is why I'm talking about shadow today. Matt Licata writes, it is important that we cultivate the intention to become more interested in the truth of our experience than in the demand to find relief from our symptoms. So I'm going to read that again, because, I mean, oh my gosh, it's super profound. It is important that we cultivate the intention to become more interested in the truth of our experience than in the demand to find relief from our symptoms. So I'm going to put this in the context of parenting right, especially as we look ahead to a brand new year and choosing into growth and possibility, we can consider the truth of our experiences as taking a magnifying lens to our current struggle, right? Whatever that may be, whatever it is currently alive in your life that is getting under your skin, that is bringing on that, that emotional freight train, whatever is triggering you, right? I want you to bring whatever that is, whatever person behavior context that is, that's bringing out your shadow, right? It's turning you into someone you don't want to be. And I want you to turn towards that, and I want you to bring in curiosity and ownership and honesty. And let's ask ourselves question like, questions like, What am I meant to learn here, right? So we're looking at that shadow, we're looking at that challenge, that situation, and we're asking, what exactly is going on for me right now? And when we ask that question, you know, this is where we get to think about physical sensations of the body, emotions stories, and that's those are the other questions. What is the emotion I can connect to right here, right now? What's the story I'm telling myself about my child or whoever the other person is? What story am I telling myself about myself? What story am I telling myself about my personal safety? So, you know, I like to keep it real. People, our response might begin with sounding like, well, I'm pissed, right? I'm mad. My child keeps doing this, my husband, my wife keeps doing this, right? So it's, do you feel the blame there? Do you feel like that? How we can quickly go from looking inward to looking outward, right? So we want to look what's underneath. So when we get into that blame game, when we get into that outward conversation, I invite us all to bring it back, to focus on self. Because regardless of who or what triggers our reaction, how we react and respond to life is wholly ours. So I'm going to say that again, regardless of what triggers our response or reaction to life, how we. React or respond is ours, right? We are responsible for that. And this takes a lot of practice, right, and it takes a deep belief that there is something to be learning from these interactions, faith that we can learn right, faith that we can learn. Once we step into that truth that we are all continuing to learn and evolve, then we can really trust that we can be the parent we want to be. And I, you know, I've worked with a lot of you. We've had a lot of conversations, both live on the phone, over the, you know, online, where I've actually coached people who really believe like this is just who I am. I can't do this. This, this positive discipline stuff isn't for me. And they've kind of given up on the idea that they can grow and evolve. And there is not one person on the planet that can't do this, people, all right, we get to trust. We get to trust that we can be the parents that we want to be. Trust that. And so let's go back to that initial, that quote that I read, right what was it? It is important that we cultivate the intention to become more interested in the truth of our experience than in the demand to find relief from our symptoms. Okay, so let's take a look at the second part about the demanding to find relief that Matt wrote about. Well, we're already pretty skilled at this. This is kind of what we do, right? Let's consider some ways we find relief. We yell at people, we blame people, we shame, we withdraw, either physically or emotionally. Some of us use substances like food or alcohol or drugs to find that relief, to take the edge off, right, or our phones right? That's a big one. Things start to feel uncomfortable, challenging. We pick up our device and start to scroll mindlessly, right? And what do we know about all of these ways of relieving the pain and discomfort of our experience? What do we know? We know there it's short term relief and harmful to ourselves and others, but they seem or feel easier than facing our shadow and doing the inner work to grow and learn. I talk about the iceberg, right? Our shadow work, the turning in the personal growth and development that's that's under the surface of the iceberg, and all of those short term responses, reactions to the discomfort that's at the tip of the iceberg. And we so often focus there, because we want to find relief. And I get it, it is so uncomfortable to feel challenged. It is so uncomfortable, right, painful, even. And when we can turn towards that, and when we can explore what's happening for us, and when we can really do that personal growth work, we can make a difference in who we be as parents, right? And clearly, this is big, and it's hard, and it requires us to decide, to choose in time and time again, and you can, you can do it. And isn't this the ultimate act of compassion and integrity? Because how do we feel after we engage in those short term, those short term skills of finding relief, right? We feel shitty, we feel bad about ourselves, and then we spin out into how terrible we are, right? So turning in and really doing our personal work. This is the ultimate act of compassion and integrity, self compassion and personal integrity. It's walking our talk and being consciously sympathetic to our own journey. So listen, if this is landing for you, I want you to bring it up to your therapist. Right? If you don't have a therapist and you feel like you want one, go get one, or hire me to coach you and support you in this work. It's what I do. You don't have to do all of this alone. We don't have to do this alone. The journey is meant to be traveled with others. In my opinion, parenting journey, humaning journey. 2019 is a year to walk together. When do you think about that? To link arms and to be in community? I'm going to share a few ways that we're going to be doing that at the end of this podcast. But I want you to hear this. You are not alone in whatever is coming up for you, how whatever you are facing? We move from the old into the new right. You aren't alone.

And on a personal note, I want to share some solidarity with all of you that deal with partners overseas and with those of you that are single parents. My husband Ben has left to do some big work in California on the electrical grid. He is a power line construction guy, and he got chosen to go do this big job. And we don't know how long the work down there will take. It could be months. Now, I know this isn't the same as having a partner who's overseas doing military work. I know it isn't the same as actually being a single parent. I have the luxury of knowing my partner will be coming home eventually,

but I am looking at an extended period of time holding space for the kids without their dad here, so clearly, I will have ample opportunity to lean into the truth of my experiences, versus finding short term relief from what triggers me. Self care will be crucial. Inviting my kids into contribution will be crucial. This is a place where we have gotten very sloppy, not that the kids aren't contributing, just that there is very little structure, which makes me feel crazy and I get naggy, which is no fun for anyone. So yes, I'm sure you will hear me mentioning missing my man over the next little bit. But I'm also going to get to choose into compassion and integrity over and over again, and as far as joyful courage is concerned, oh my gosh. Wowzer. So much excitement that I'm excited to share with you. I have spent the last few weeks writing, recording and editing the interviews for the first ever parenting teens with positive discipline audio Summit. OMG. It's so good. I have recorded 14 interviews with positive discipline educators, trainers and lead trainers who know the trenches, the deep trenches of raising teens. And you can register now. It's free. The summit is free. And if you go to joyful courage.com/teen, Summit, that's joyful, courage.com/t. E, E, N, S, U, M, M, i, t, you can get registered and be on the list and the the summit begins January 28 and will run through February 1. It's just like going to a conference, except for it's all audio and will be delivered to your inbox. So each day, you'll get two or three or four interviews and audio files that you'll get to enjoy. And I'm so excited you will want to register ASAP, as I'm going to be offering some sweet deals to those that register early in the month. I'm so excited. So again, the link is joyful courage.com/teen Summit. If you are a parent of a teenager, I also encourage you to hop into the joyful courage parents of teens. Facebook group, joyful courage parents of teens on Facebook, this is a space of support and encouragement from other parents of teens. It's a small but growing group full of insight and community. Check it out. Nobody should be parenting teenagers in a vacuum. We need each other, if not now you know, more than ever. I think in these years, I'm also thrilled to invite you into the joyful courage super fam through Patreon. I talked about this last fall, but this is really an opportunity for you to contribute to the podcast. I know the pain points. We feel isolated, we feel like our kids are the only ones that are a pain in the neck. We feel like we're the only ones who are yelling and screaming and going crazy. I know that. I know all of that right, and that's why I am encouraged to share this podcast. I reach out to guests that I think that will bring important insights to you. I try to be really authentic and vulnerable and real in my own sharing. I want to support you, and I know that the podcast does that, and the podcast is free, right? You don't have to pay any money to listen to the podcast, and that is not ever going to change. However, there is something to be said for being in contribution. So the joyful courage super fam through Patreon is a group of people who value the podcast so much they are contributing $10 a month and enjoying the benefits of monthly webinars with me, online support from me and a community that is. Is even that much more committed to the work that they are spending $10 a month. By the way, $10 is like, what? Two lattes, right? It's like Netflix, right? $10 is a small contribution, considering the work that goes into bringing the show to you each week. And if $10 is a big stretch, if it does feel like too much, you're welcome to get on Patreon, and you can donate $1 a month. You can donate $5 a month. It's the $10 a month that's going to get you the monthly webinars and the online support. So I really want you to consider doing that New year, new ways to give back to the podcast that gives you so much. You can find out more information by going to patreon.com/joyful, courage. That's P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. You guys, it's so good to be back. I missed you in December. I missed you. Stay tuned, because next week I'll be sharing a powerful interview with a return guest, somebody you all loved, Sarah Harvey Yao. She is coming on to talk about moving through the energy of emotions, which I think is a perfect follow up to today's topic. Big Love to all of you, and I'll see you next week. Joyful courage community. Thank you so much for tuning in each and every week. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business pages on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google Play. I Heart Radio, really anywhere you find your favorite podcasts. Also, I mentioned Patreon at the beginning of the show. Check it out. Www.patreon.com/joyful courage, this is where you can contribute to the show and take advantage of patron perks like content rich monthly webinars and deeper discussions about what's being shared on the podcast. You will like it. Www, dot P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent Casey at joyful courage.com I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. So reach out. You can also sign up for my biweekly newsletter at joyful courage.com just go to the website. Sign up for that. Take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay. Big Love to each and every one of you have a beautiful rest of your day.