Eps 166: Solo show connecting the dots between how building relationship leads us to more effective parenting

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Hey everybody, welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. Conversations you'll hear on this show are all intended to offer you tools for moving forward, expanding your lens and shifting your narrative to one of possibility, connection and empowerment. When we bring deep, listening, acceptance and courage to our relationships, we are doing our part to evoke it in the world. I am thrilled to partner with you on this path. Hey everybody, welcome back to the podcast. Today is a solo show. I know I got kind of wacky. I did two interviews the past two weeks. Now you're gonna get two solo shows, yay. And as we move through November, I also want to let you know that we are going to be off air for December. So December, the podcast is going to take a break, and I will return in January with brand new shows for you, and in January, can you hear that drum roll? In January, I'm super excited because I am going to host a parenting teens audio Summit. So yeah, so that's some information, right? So November, you're going to get your weekly shows. December, we're going to take a break, and brand new podcast will show back up again in January, and I'm getting ready for this parenting teens audio Summit. So I'm sure a lot of you have seen if you're on social media, there's a couple times a year where if you are involved in a lot of parent groups or follow a lot of parent educators, you start to see these summits, right and online summits where, for a week or two weeks or a month, you know, you get, every day, a new email that contains a video of someone interviewing a parent educator. And I've been a part of some of those summits, some of those summits I have watched and enjoyed, they're a great resource. Something that I notice is sometimes that there seems to be a gap in parent education when it comes to teenagers, and so I want to fill that gap, I'm gonna host my own Summit. But instead of videos, what you will get are audios. So it's the same kind of thing. Each day, you will get an email with a couple with links to a couple different interviews, and they will be live that day, and then, or I think you'll have the week to listen to all of them, and then they'll disappear, unless you want to buy the whole lot. But I'm super excited. I'm super excited. I'm in the planning stages right now. I'm reaching out to other positive discipline trainers. So everybody that's going to be on the podcast is positive discipline trained. Everybody that's going to be on the podcast is either in the practice right now of raising teenagers or has gotten to the other side. It's really important to me to have really authentic, raw, messy conversations about raising teenagers, because I think that there isn't a lot of conversation about it. I think there's like, either, oh, we've done everything right and so everybody's perfect conversation, or there's oh my gosh, everybody needs to go to rehab and is failing out of school, but there's a lot of space in the middle between those two extremes, and that's where I want to kind of do some teasing apart, some conversation. And my goal is that you the listener of the parenting teens audio summit feels seen, validated, right, meaning you're listening to people speak about experiences that relate to you. I want you to feel inspired, and I want there to be nuggets that you can take away and implement immediately in your own life and your own relationships with teens. So I'm going to be getting you more information about that as it gets closer, but it's super exciting. The other thing I wanted to tell you about, which I mentioned last week in the podcast, was the Patreon. How. Patreon. So I don't know how many of you know this. I know those of you that have been a part of my membership program know that I no longer offer a membership program. The model just wasn't working for my business. Tried it and just wanted decided, made the hard decision, really, to let it go, but I still want to be an exchange of energy with all of you. I want to be able to do my work on my part, to offer you tools that are really useful, and feel as though the energy that I'm putting into those tools and into the relationship I have with you is being reciprocated. So I'm going to use Patreon to do that. And Patreon is a website that connects creators like me, podcast creators, with content consumers, and that's you listeners, right? And so it's a way for you to support the podcast and support the work of joyful courage. And there's different levels that you can contribute monthly. You can contribute at the $1 level a month. That's awesome. That's super, super appreciative. Love you for that. You can contribute at the $5 level and at the $5 level, I have a little bonus gift the chaos to calm video series that people find really useful, yay. Or you can contribute to the $10 a month level, and that is the joyful courage super fam. And the super fam is really special, because that is a community that is getting a lot more of me. So we have a private Facebook group. You also get the chaos to come series. And inside of the Facebook group, we're going to be having lots of conversations, and every month, I'm going to host a webinar that is created based on the questions and the challenges that are showing up in the group. So what I offer each month inside of that group is tailored for the Patreons, the patrons that are part of the joyful courage super fan. So if that sounds good to you, if that's like the perfect amount of support to keep you on this parenting path, on this journey, then check it out. Go to patreon, P, A, T, R, E, o, n.com/joyful, courage. You'll see a little video of me and some little post that I say, Hey, glad you found your your way here, and it talks more about those different levels. I would love I would love it, if all of you were willing to be in that exchange with me, I'm super excited, especially after the new year, when we really get into what it looks like. I wanted to offer something to all of you that was a stepping stone, that was an easy step into working with me, easy, meaning low cost, but high value. And I feel like this feels really good, so I'm excited to play with it and create content for all of you that way. Yay. All right, so what is on my mind today,

Speaker 1 8:12
today, today?

Casey O'Roarty 8:16
Well, you know, I am in the parenting journey as well. Since we last talked, oh no, it's been oh maybe not since I last recorded. My son is now a teenager, so I have two teenagers officially in my house. And you know, like I mentioned, talking about the parenting teens audio Summit. I feel like you know this whole positive discipline, positive parenting, gentle parenting, whatever you want to call it, way of being and mindset is really easy when our kids are really easy, when our kids are easy going when there's not a lot of challenge and and it gets progressively more challenging when our kids are challenging, right? When our kids are rubbing up against our triggers. And you know, I just had this conversation today with a client around you know what it means to show up and to acknowledge that we are feeling our feelings and feeling triggered and and not slip into those old ways of parenting. And lately, I've been talking about consequences and threats and and even bribes. Right? If we, and I love this metaphor of the toolbox.

So, you know, we have that our parenting toolbox right, and the more triggered and higher energy we are around a specific challenge, the more likely it is. Is we're going to reach for whatever is close by, whatever's at the top of the toolbox. And for many people who are just coming into positive discipline or positive parenting, what's at the top of the toolbox, rewards and punishment typically, right? That's our go to, right? We want to either catch them while they're good, in hopes that they will keep being good, or make them pay when they're bad, in hopes that they avoid that behavior, because it doesn't feel good to be sent to their room or chastised or whatever. Right? When we're desperate, we go to those places, but when you think about this toolbox, right? The more that we the more tools that we can put in the toolbox, the more tools we can put in the toolbox, the more likely it is that those that reward and punishment tool kind of slides to the bottom. And this is really important, because I've had people come to me, you know, often, and say, Okay, well, I had this situation, and here's what I did, is that okay? Right? Is that okay? And I think that really any response we give to our kids, we can look at it from many, many angles, and a lot of times we can do better. And sometimes, you know, it's and we get to be in that self doubt. We get to be in that oh gosh, I'm noticing everything in my body is make you pay, make you pay. But I also know that that isn't a useful way to navigate this challenge. I think the most important thing what I'm learning and experiencing every day at an ever deeper level as my kids get older, is how important that relationship is, and when our toolbox is full of things like Curiosity and problem solving, when our toolbox has validating emotions and the deep listening, when those are the things in our toolbox, and we move towards those things, we are keeping relationship intact, right? We're keeping relationship intact. And you know that I love to say the most powerful tool we have for influencing behavior is the relationship that we're in with our kids. When our relationship with our kids is broken or lacking or just not, it just disconnected, and we try to navigate their behavior in a really harsh way. You know, does that ever work out for anyone, right? Not, not really. And it's interesting too, because, you know, when our kids get older, and even our school aged kids, it's like the level that we believe their behavior is at, like when they do something really bad. And I think really bad is, is subjective. You know, for what's really bad to one person might not be so bad for another. So just whatever your really bad is, that's really when that chord of I gotta do something to them. I gotta make them pay so that they understand how bad really bad is. We head in that direction because we're afraid, right? We're afraid that whatever it is that they've done, they're going to do it again, or they're not going to get the lesson, or they don't get it. And how can we trust them to learn from their mistakes? How can we come you know, the positive one of the positive discipline come from is mistakes or opportunities to learn and so and that kids are doing the best they can with the tools they have, right? Both of those things that we need to be kind and firm, we get to be kind and firm, and that relationship matters, that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. These are all positive discipline, phrases that we throw out a lot, that I use a lot. So if all of those things are true, then when our kid does something really bad, right, or really risky and and kind of triggers our own fear, because that's what happens, right? That's what happens to us, that's what happens to me, is like, Oh my God, they're out of control. This is going to lead to, you know, juvie and broken marriages and dead in a ditch. Right? When we go there, we go to that place of fear. That's when we really want to, like, we need a consequence for this. And I get that right? I get that. It's hard to believe that if we don't do something, that the message isn't, oh, just do what you want. I don't care. There's no consequences. But we forget that there's always consequences we don't have to always impose. There are. So much going on for our kids as a result of their actions or inactions that very rarely do we need to step in other than saying, Wow, yeah, that sucks. What are you gonna do about it? How can I support you? What do you need? Right? And it's hard. It's, it's, it's, you know, and even as I say that, and I think this kind of is contributes sometimes to the gap, because we read the blogs and listen to the podcast and, you know, the three steps to this, and just do this and respond this way, and everything will be great. But what about when everything isn't great? What about when you're really worried about your kid's behavior? What about when you don't know if they've gotten the lesson, if there isn't relationship there, if you're not in and when I talk about relationship, it's how authentic the connection between your you and your child is. Like, are you having moments times where you are not just sharing space, not just sitting near each other, but really seeing each other, where your child is willing to talk about the experience that they're having. And I know there are some kids that and I, and I hear from from my clients, right? This is something that I work on, that I support clients with, because it's, it can be really hard when you decide, okay, this is the way that I want to parent. And I'm going to get curious, and I'm going to ask my child about their experience, and they say, I don't know. Well, how does your body feel when you're so mad, I don't know, right? And they shut down, and they shut us out. And so the clients come back and share, you know this is they don't know. They can't respond. They don't like talking about their feelings. And I get that, and I get that, but anytime we are inviting our children or anyone into something new, it's going to be uncomfortable, right? And if we have come from a place of, you know, some criticism or ridicule or just not ever really talking about emotions or validating somebody else's experience, and all of a sudden we're like, oh, how does that make you feel? It feels like a trap. If they're used to being punished, or, quote, consequences, if they're used to that response from us, then, man, it's time to clam up, because that's what feels safe. That's what keeps me safe. I don't know what she wants me to say here, so I'm just gonna say nothing, right? Or I don't know what he's getting at here. So I'm just gonna pretend that I don't know, or not even pretend, you know. I mean, for some of us adults, if we haven't been in the practice of checking in on how we feel and really naming I'm so excited I have a podcast coming up in January about naming our emotions if we aren't in the practice of paying attention and naming how we're feeling, if we aren't paying attention to our bodies, you know, and then somebody like me says, notice how your body feels when you're triggered, the response is, I don't even really know. I don't know how to access that. I don't I don't know what you're talking about. So it's the same is true for our kids. But here's the deal, just because it's hard doesn't mean we stop asking. Just because they say, I don't know, doesn't mean we stop asking. We get to say, Hmm, why don't you? I want you to pay attention next time you feel that way, pay attention and see. And I'm going to ask you again and see if you can notice how your belly feels right, or if you're listening right now, and you're one of those parents that can't really access the body, like next time you feel really angry at your kids, I invite you to pay attention to how your body feels. And why is this important, right? Why? How does this tie in to the whole relationship conversation? Well, anytime we respond to our kids from a place of high emotion, the likelihood that we're going to do or say something that will damage relationship is really high, right? It's really high. It's when we say and do things that later on, we're like, I could have handled that so differently. Why didn't I? So when we start to pay attention to the body and realize, okay, I'm completely ready to fly off the handle right now, and I know this is where relationship gets damaged. So I'm gonna go take care of myself, or I'm gonna take some deep breaths, or I'm gonna find

that body that is neutral and grounded, so that I can you know what happens then? Is that toolbox? What happens then? As we get more grounded and neutral, the other tools in our toolbox kind of rise to the surface. So when we're grounded and neutral, i. So we can pull the validating their feelings. We can pull curiosity out. We can pull deep listening and perspective out of the toolbox when we are flipped, when we're angry, when we're triggered, all we have in that toolbox are really threats and punishment, right? And at the end of the day, what's going to be the most useful to your child and to you, and this whole journey is relationship now that doesn't, please don't hear me saying so, let your kid do whatever they want, and you know, don't ever share when you're disappointed or when you are angry or when something you don't like their behavior. No, I'm not telling you to be a permissive parent. I'm not telling you to check out and be a yes man. I'm just telling you that relationship matters. And you know, have you ever been in a relationship with someone who always agrees with you, lets you do whatever you want, doesn't hold any boundaries? You know, is pretty waffly on their expectations, like, who wants to be friends with that person, not me? It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel respectful, right? So you still get to hold boundaries. You still get to connect before you correct behavior. You still get to call your kids out, right? If something's going on and they're not showing up. Well, yes, please do it. You still get to say, how are you going to fix that? Like you made a mistake. What's going on now? How are you going to fix that? You still get to say, you know, I'm really disappointed that this happened, and I want to talk about it. And the stronger your relationship, the more likely it is your child will open up to you and actually talk to you.

I know this because I'm living it right. I'm living it and while I wish I could sit here and say to all of you with small children, oh yeah, if you raise them with positive discipline, the teen years are a breeze. It's just not true. It's not teen years are still challenging, and teen years are challenging for positive discipline parents, because we have built such a relationship with our kids that they do tell us things and they do expect to be in a mutually respectful relationship, right? And that you know when all of a sudden you're bumping up against risky behavior and you want to lock it down, right? Our kids are like, No, that's that's not how this works. I made a mistake. And if you are new to this show, and you hear that, I'm sure you're having all sorts of thoughts about, well, they need to know and they need to follow the rules. Yes, of course. Of course, they need to know, and of course they're going to follow, they need to follow the rules. And how many of you were teenagers? Raise your hand if you were a teenager. Guess what? Everybody's hand is up right now, because we were all teenagers, and most of us, there's probably a few of you out there that look back on your teen years, you know, and can honestly say, I never got into any trouble and I never did anything risky, okay, but the majority of us are probably looking back on our teen years saying, Oh, my God, what I was doing at 15, what I was doing at 17. Man, right? Because teenagers do weird things. They are wired to push the boundaries and explore, and it's really hard to be on the other side of it, as you know, if you listen to this podcast, because I talk about it all the time. But that doesn't mean that we throw the relationship out the door and all of a sudden become, you know, wardens, right? That's not useful to them. It's not useful to us. It's about creating an environment. And I would say this isn't just teens. This is all the way through creating an environment where our kids can thrive, and that means being a soft landing when they really screw up, and to be standing next to them with them, looking at the challenge and saying, Wow, what do you need? How can we navigate this, right? What are the what are the skills that are missing, and how can you show up differently to this the next time this challenge shows up, right? And throw the judgment out the door, because they don't need to be judged, they're probably already judging themselves, right? And then again, they're not getting away with anything. They're simply they're being held accountable, right? We want them to take personal responsibility, but that doesn't mean that we throw on a bunch of shame and blame. Because, you know, if you want to have kids that talk to you as they get older and tell you about the places where they're struggling and the mischief they're getting into, which, believe me, you do. Do you do? I know it's kind of a little bit of a mind melter, because you do, and yet it's when they do tell you, you're like, oh God, but at the end of the day, can you imagine if you could have talked to your parents about what you were going through as a child, if you could have trusted that they would have been there to support you and love you through it. Can you imagine what would it be like to be that parent for your child, right, to continue to be in relationship and to really get to know your child and meet them where they're at? It's pretty dreamy most of the time, sometimes it's a nightmare, but most of the time it's really, really dreamy. So I just wanted to come in here and come back to that conversation about relationship. I know I've talked about it before, but it's just really top of mind right now for me, I do have, if you didn't know, I have a joyful courage for parents of teenagers. Group, it's small but mighty, and we're having lots of really real conversations about just all the risky behavior that's showing up with our kids. And I really appreciate that group, because it is a group of people that is that are open to this relationship conversation and can see the power of the relationship. Um, yeah, so I wanted to talk about it with you, plus it's coming up in other places and and when we talk about building a relationship, if you're listening and you're thinking, Uh yes, no, I'm not there with my child, I feel disconnected. One of the my favorite tools is simply special time, you know, creating regular dates with your child, where they get the lead. They get to decide what it is that you do, and you get to just let them take the lead, right? Let them take the lead. Do less talking and more listening, right? And really open the space up for them to feel seen and loved for exactly who they are, right? And as always, if you're listening to this and you're like, wow, I could really use some help with this, you can email me. Email me at Casey, at joyful courage.com, I've got lots of ways that you can be in touch. You can message me on Facebook or on Instagram, at joyful courage. You could look at my website, joyful courage.com, you'll hear in the little end call to action. I've got coaching over there and and some other things. Or, you know, really consider being a patron and coming into that community so that you can get that little extra support that you need because this parenting. We weren't meant to do it alone. We were meant to do it in community, in a village, and I would be honored if you stepped into joyful courage as your village, because it's a rad village, people. It's an awesome village, and it's loving and supportive. And you know, if you are feeling isolated, if you are feeling hopeless, this is the perfect time for you to reach out. So come and reach out. All right, come and reach out. Yay. All right, my friends, I'm gonna wrap this up. I'm gonna wrap this up. I'm going to wrap this up, letting you know that things got super real yet again this week at my house. So don't think that I'm immune, and we're all feeling really connected. So it's all good, but yeah, keeping it real, keeping it real and transparent over here, excited for the next couple of weeks, you're gonna get some solo shows and maybe one more interview by the end of November, but just loving you all, loving you all from my corner of the country, hoping you're all having a Fantastic day, and yeah, I'll see you next week. You joyful courage community, you are amazing. Big. Thanks and love to my team, including producer Chris Mann at pod shaper. Please be sure to join in the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage Facebook group as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcast, Spotify, Google Play, iHeartRadio, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts, you can view the current joyful courage programs and my coaching offers over at the webpage, simply head to www.joyfulcourge.com to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. If you want to give back to the show, and I really hope you do become a patron, click donate on the website to give back to the show that gives you so much any comments or feedback about this episode or any others can be sent to casey@joyfulcourge.com I personally read and respond to. All the emails that come my way, reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everything is going to be okay.