Transcription
Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Hey everybody, welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. Conversations you'll hear on this show are all intended to offer you tools for moving forward, expanding your lens and shifting your narrative to one of possibility, connection and empowerment when we bring deep, listening, acceptance and courage to our relationships, we are doing our part to evoke it in the world. I am thrilled to partner with you on this path. Yo, hey, Hi, friends. It's me Casey. Hey, you get me solo this week. It's solo show week. Oh my gosh, I have had the best time watching you all discover the guests that have been on these last couple of weeks. Kimberly Minch talking about teenagers and the conversation we had. Heather Chauvin and her conversation around mindfulness and health and Dan Siegel, I mean, holy cow, it's been pretty radical over here at joyful courage. It's been an honor to get to be in conversation with so many amazing people. Yay. And today it's me. It's me. We are making our way through September, which is super trippy, and I am getting ready to do a new online program. Well, it's not new. I did it last spring, but it's definitely taking on a different vibe this fall the joyful courage Academy, it is four weeks deep, diving into positive discipline. Positive Discipline as a parenting philosophy. And I know that I talk a lot on the show about positive discipline, so I'm just gonna today, I want to kind of highlight, you know, what it is all about, and what I'm learning, and really what my has, my journey has been, as far as parenting as a practice. So you've heard me talk about positive discipline, right? And I think depending on who you talk to, you know, you get different flavors of the same elevator pitch around what is positive discipline? To me, positive discipline is really rooted in Adlerian theory, which is the idea that human behavior is movement in the direction of knowing that we belong and knowing that we matter, right? You've heard me talk about this before, belonging and significance, when we support our kids and ourselves and other humans in having a solid foundation of connection and significance, knowing that they matter. Humans show up better from that place, right? And as parents, we often are so hyper focused on whatever the behavior is that's driving us crazy or making us fearful or whatever, right? We look at the tip of the iceberg that we forget that there's all sorts of things happening under the surface. And some sign, you know, the big things that are happening are our kids perception on how they're feeling around being connected to us and their worlds, and how they're feeling around knowing that they matter, right? So we chip away at the tip of the iceberg. We forget about under the surface stuff positive discipline is this, you know, it really takes that seriously and takes that into consideration, and it's a super encouraging to me. Positive Discipline is incredibly encouraging, not only to parents, but also to kids and you really encouragement becomes a tool, right, a tool for parenting. How do we encourage our kids, right? How do we encourage them in a way that they begin to see themselves through their strengths, and recognize their strengths, recognize their self awareness, right? Positive Discipline is also, as I've said before, it's being both kind and firm, which is way easier said than done, right? We're really good at kind we're really good at firm, both and can be kind of tricky, right, especially when our emotional triggers are happening. And so the academy, right? The academy is really going to dig into these things, and also something that it has been uncovered time and time. Again, as I continue in my positive discipline practice, is that it's not a script, right? It's not saying the right thing at the right time to get your kids to do what you want. It's about learning how to be really present with whatever is going on with our children and really seeing them, seeing beyond their behavior, beyond what they're saying and doing, and seeing and listening to what it is that they need to what it is that they're going through, and what I've learned over time, because, as you may or may not know, I first was trained and learned about positive discipline in the fall of 2007 so it's been 11 years, right? My kids were nearly four and nearly one. No. Rowan was almost five. I don't know. I think I thought they were three in one, maybe they were four and two. I can't do the math right now, but over time, as I've made my way and worked, you know, and lots of times, as you know, we get it right, and some of the times we get it wrong. And the biggest learning that I've had is really the way that our humanness can get in the way our own beliefs, which we might not even realize we have beliefs about certain things, until we have these little people that are pushing up against them, and then you realize, oh, actually, this doesn't fit what I think or What I believe, right? And when are that pushing up turns into fear, which it easily can and fear, you know, for me, manifests as control and rigidity, fear for the future, fear for the outcome we don't ever get to know. Like this is the really messed up thing, right about parenting is we don't know the outcome, like we don't know what life has in store for us. We don't know, you know, what kind of career our children will have. We don't know what kind of partner they may or may not have. We don't know, will they be happy? Will they struggle? Will they have quality, self worth? Right? We don't know. And you know you don't, unless you're thinking about that, it can you. We can ignore that, right? We can be like, Oh, it's I don't know what I don't know, and it's fine. Or we can start to think about that like, wow, we really have no control over this outcome. I mean, we can show up and do our best and and hope for the best and pray for the best, but ultimately, there's a bigger thing happening, right? And so sometimes what I've learned my fear of that can show up as control and rigidity. I want to control the outcome. I want my kids to be okay, even as this other part of me is like Casey, they have to make mistakes. They have to that's they have to learn through experience. They're, you know, as wise as my and informative as my lectures are, that's not how they're going to learn, right? And so trust really becomes
a theme on this path, on this parenting path, trusting ourselves, trusting our kids, trusting the world around them, trusting that no matter what happens, it's meant to happen and it's going to be okay, trusting that there's a bigger picture, that there's a bigger plan, trusting in What we can't see and can't know, and, man, it's Isn't it hard? It's hard, right? It's hard. But when we can do that, when these when we start to get really clear. I was, I was interviewed today for a podcast that will come out next month, somebody else's podcast, and one of her questions was she wanted me to talk about personal growth and development on the parenting journey, because she listens to this show and she knows that my jam and I just, you know, thought about how often we are provided the opportunity to grow, to be mindful, to choose to be curious, to recognize when we are an automatic pilot, to recognize when we're in fear and I. Uh, you know, it kind of helps me recognize how deeply, how deeply important it is, and how grateful I am that I do see the parenting practice as personal growth and development. Because if I were to allow all the pain, the blame and the responsibility, to lie with my child. There was a lot of suffering there. There's a lot of pain there. And basically I'm what I said to her, I said, you know, if we don't take care of if we don't clean up our shit, you know, we're just dumping it on our kids, right? We're just, we're just giving it to them, and they can either choose to deal with it or they pass it on to their kids. So through my practice of positive discipline, which was the beginning of personal growth and development for me, and recognizing how I show up matters, and recognizing, wow, I'm not always present to how I'm showing up. What can I do about that? How can I shift? And wow, there's so much to learn about me and what I'm and my baggage and what I'm carrying. And wow, this is really hard work, learning to trust that saying yes to the hard work is a gift to my family has been huge, right? Trusting that it is about personal growth and development, it is about learning to detach in a way that allows our children to have their experiences, right? Because we are separate. Our paths are separate. They're really close together right now as they're home with us, but our paths are separate, and one day they're going to leave us, and that day is getting closer and closer for me, it's really weird, actually, so I need to make sure that I am creating an environment where my kids have a soft landing when they do get caught up in mistakes, when things do go bad, right? I want to give them a soft landing. I want to be someone who says, Wow, what did you learn? How could you do that differently? What might you do different next time? So trusting that that's enough, right? And and really recognizing that this is a practice like it feels. You know, I would love to have a vacation when we all, I mean, not everybody. Some people don't think like this, but sometimes it's like, I wish that I could just take a little vacation and not just get to turn my parent mind off for a little bit, because it that, you know, our thoughts or our connections to our kids, it's just always there. And so this is why, when I talk about parenting, I really talk about it as a practice, like a yoga practice or a meditation practice, or, you know, you know, the routine of going to the gym, like it's something that we have to continuously be inside of, right? And for me, it requires taking care of me, taking time for me, taking time for stillness and curiosity and reflection, right? Because that's where themes and patterns show up. That's where I can recognize what's happening under the surface, or at least get curious, both under my surface, as well as my kids, and if we're going to take time for ourselves, you know that's also a place where we start to explore our own worthiness, like it's worth it. You're worth it to step away from your family and step away from your responsibilities to take care of you, that is your responsibility. That is taking care of your family, right? So really sit with that. You know, if you're someone who can't, you know it's you're just so busy and the responsibilities are so big and you just can't take time for you. When are you going to decide that you're worth it? You're worth it, you're worth getting creative about, you know, childcare or asking your partner for support or asking a neighbor for support. You're worth it. It matters, right? And having this positive discipline parenting practice, another piece inside of that, that I think is really crucial is being able to develop our intuition right so that we can recognize the little hits that we get, the little bits of wisdom that live inside of us, the. Show up to say, to give us a compass. I think that in our culture, we are, you know, everything outside of us, the external world, is constantly trying to show us, quote, the way, whether it's in how we look, how we dress, how we spend our time, there's so much distraction that we've gotten away from being able to really hear our own inner wisdom and our intention or our intuition, and so being in the parenting practice, really, to me, is also nurturing, checking in on making space for my intuition and all of these things is taking care of our ourselves and our worthiness and trusting. Isn't this what we want our children to do? Like when you make a list of characters and or character traits and qualities that you want your kids to one day embody, don't you want them to have self worth. Don't you want them to take care of themselves? Self care? Don't you want them to be able to ask for help? The only way that they're going to develop those qualities is seeing you in action, right? Seeing you in action. So practicing positive discipline is really practicing the life skills that we want our kids to one day embody. And sometimes we get off track, right? Sometimes there are seasons or pendulum swings, the ebbs and the flows of life can get us off track and we get agitated, and we get resentful, and we get all the feels and all the things, and we're wondering, Why am I so pissed all the time? And that's a great place for us to drop in and say, Yeah, wait a minute. Let me really look at this. I've been feeling this for a while, and now I'm hitting a wall. What is going on for me? What am I noticing? What are the patterns that are showing up? What are the things that really are getting to me? What do I need right now, checking your assumptions. What am I assuming about everybody else? What am I assuming about everybody else? And what can I own right now, and where can I take some personal responsibility for getting back to being the person that I want to be, the parent, the Mother, the Father, the co worker, the friend, what is what can you do? Where can you take responsibility for coming back to that place? Because nobody's going to do it for you,
right? Nobody's going to do it for you. And again, isn't this something that we want for our kids? Don't we want our children to take personal responsibility? We don't want them to be victims. We don't want them to grow into adults that feel like, Oh, well, everybody's just making my life so hard and gosh, you know, it's just there. Everybody's asking too much of me, and, you know, My life sucks, and it's everybody's fault. We don't want that. We want them to say, Huh, okay, here's where I'm at, and there's where I want to be. What can I do to get there? What can I do to get there, right? And a lot of the positive discipline tools are support supportive of that, like, I feel like the positive discipline tools really encourage kids to be proactive in their own lives. What's helpful to you, what would be useful to you right now? How can we make this work? What's happening for you right now? What are you noticing? Right we're really supporting our kids in getting developing that critical emotional intelligence, that critical thinking from an emotional intelligence standpoint. And that's super exciting to me. That's super exciting to me. And I want to really say too that there's a lot of you know, quote, parenting programs out there, and there's a lot of themes that live inside of these different programs. There's a lot of authors, there's a lot of bloggers, there's a lot of people talking about parenting. And so I just encourage you to read and to learn about child development and learn about brain development and find some programs, or some people, some authors that really land for you, that speak to you, where you feel like, yeah, this. This makes sense to me, right? This makes sense to me, this. This helps me feel seen. I feel like this person gets me.
And once you find those people like, dig in, right, dig in and learn, be in the learning. Because, just like they say. Parenting is one of the toughest jobs we can never have. We can ever have, and it's one of those jobs that we don't get any training for other than what was modeled for us. So to think that we can just be different than our parents were, or, you know, do it on our own without any support. That's, it's, it's pretty ambitious, right? It's pretty ambitious and and some things to keep in mind too, I think, is, you know, there is no perfect there's no perfect parent. We all make mistakes. We all have to clean up our mess. This is about progress and practice, not perfection, this whole journey. And you know, I'm finding more and more that my spirituality and my beliefs around energy, that this whole mother, daughter, mother, son, parent, child relationship is bigger than the actual relationship, this is something that actually makes me feel really safe, right? It helps me trust when I can remember, there's something bigger happening, right? It's messy. It's messy, and it's not formulaic, like, we can't, like I said earlier. It's not like, Oh, if I just knew the right thing to say, if I just knew when to say that, you know, it's messy. And anybody that says, Oh, just do step a, Step B, Step C, and everything will be great, isn't telling the whole story, right? They're not telling the whole story, because it's messy, and there's really no end point, right? For me, I'm in the teen years, and it's hard. It's a different kind of hard than toddlers. It's a different kind of hard than preschoolers. It's a different kind of hard than school age. School age was kind of the glory days, actually, looking back, teen years are tough, you know? And then one day I'll have adult children, and I'm guessing that there will be more to learn inside of those relationships as well. So really finding a sense of peace inside of the hard, inside of the chaos, inside of the challenges, finding a sense of peace inside of our bodies, even as everyone around us is going through their own stuff, that's really the goal. That's the goal. And I just encourage everyone today to if you are in the practice of comparing yourself, or I should have it together like that person, or, you know, I should be really calm and chill like that person, or I should let things roll off my back like that person. Stop comparing yourself. Stop comparing your kids to other kids. You do not know what's happening inside of those families. You do not know somebody else's struggles and where other people's pain points are. You just don't know, so stop and just recognize you are on your path, and it is exactly the path you're meant to be on. And there are lessons there, there are lessons there, and be open to learning, because you know, when a lesson shows up and we don't step into the learning. Guess what's gonna happen? The lesson's gonna keep showing up. You are the parent your child picked, not because you are perfect, but because you're you right. Parenting is this beautiful opportunity to heal old wounds and to mend relationships and to grow as an individual, if you let it be, that opportunity, if you let it, if you see the possibility and the growth and the opportunity that exists on the path, then the expansion that is possible is is endless, and that gets me super lit up, and that's what I wanted to share today on the podcast. And you know, again, like I said at the beginning, I've got this program. Then it starts October 1, joyful courage Academy. It's four weeks, and I want you to do it. I want you to invest in yourself and in your family and in your parenting, and I want you to come on this journey with me, and the way it's it's laid out, my goal is to make it easy. My goal is for you not to feel behind. My goal is for you to be empowered and feel like somebody has your back four weeks, Mondays, live webinars. If you can make it great, if you can't, it's recorded, you can watch it Monday night, but content rich Monday webinars all about positive discipline, and then what you'll have the week to put what you learned on Monday into some practice, trial and error. Trying it out, using the language, exploring the mindset, right? And there will be place, there'll be a place for you to connect with the other people going through the program. And then Fridays are open office hours through Voxer, which is this voice text app that we're going to use. And so on Fridays, you're going to have the opportunity to phone it in and say, Hey, this is what's happening for me in my house. This is what I'm trying this is how it's landing. I need support. What? How to help me? Right? Help me. And as those requests come in, I will be responding individually to each of those requests. So you get some one on one support there at the end of the week, and then Monday rolls around again. New webinar, new concepts to play with. Try on through the week. You can, you know, connect with each other, and then Fridays Okay, here are my questions. So I'm really working on not overloading too much information. I really want people to feel successful. I want people to feel like, Oh, now I get this positive discipline stuff right, because we can read about it. And there's a lot of phrases like positive parenting, gentle parenting, peaceful parenting. You know, positive discipline, capital P, positive discipline, capital D, positive discipline. That's what I'm talking about, the actual program and philosophy of positive discipline. That is what I'm going to be sharing through the four weeks of October in the joyful courage Academy. So come, come and do it. Come and do it. You're listening to these podcasts. You're showing up in the live in love with joyful courage group. You want to get it. You want to get it. So I'm giving you this amazing opportunity to get it. You can find out more about the joyful courage Academy at WWW dot joyful courage.com/academy that's WWW dot joyful courage.com/academy, you'll get it breaks down each week's theme, and, you know, gives you links for registering. It's $149 for the four weeks. It's a steal. And what you're investing in is tools that you will use starting October 1 for the rest of your relationship with your kids. But not only that, you will notice that the positive discipline tools are humaning tools. You know, we call it parenting. You've heard me say this, really it's humaning. So you will notice that the tools that you're using, you're going to get to put into practice in other domains of your life. So do it? Invest? Invest in yourself. It's time, and if you and your partner want to do it, I'm not going to charge you twice, right? It's $149 that's the cost, that's the investment, and I promise you you will get a return on that investment. So yeah, thank you. Thank you for listening. I so appreciate you, each of you. I'm really excited to report that the download numbers for this show are going up every month. We have new listeners. And if you're a new listener, Hi, how are you? Be sure to go back. There are tons of shows, tons of interviews, tons of content. So be sure to go back and check out what else is on this show. I'm so grateful for all of you that have been with me from the beginning, who showed up in the middle, who are new to the show. You are the reason that I keep doing this. I love it. I love being in service to you. And yeah, keep on rocking in the free world. I'll see you all next week with a brand new interview. Big Love, joyful courage, community, you're amazing. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join in the discussion over at the live in love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcast, you can view the current joyful courage swag over at the web page, intention, cards, bracelets. E course offers the membership program, one on one, coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look. Simply head to www. Dot joyful courage.com/yes.
That's joyful courage.com/y. E s to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Any comments or feedback? Out this show or any others can be sent to casey@joyfulcourge.com I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay.
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