Eps 121: Solo show about Intention, Listening, and Courageous Parenting

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:02
Joyful courage Podcast, episode 121,

Hey everybody. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. I am Casey overdy Positive Discipline trainer, parent coach, and honored to be your guide in the work of showing up as your best for yourself and your family. If you feel as though parenting is one long personal growth and development workshop, you have come to the right place. The conversations you will hear on this podcast are all intended to offer you tools for moving forward, for expanding your lens, for shifting your narrative to one of possibility, connection and empowerment. You can be the parent you want to be. We are influencing the world with how we raise our children when we bring deep, listening, acceptance and courage to our relationships. We are doing our part to evoke it in the world. I am thrilled to partner with you on this path. I hope you enjoy the show. Hey, okay, today is a solo show. Today is a solo show. And as you know, I've really been working on visioning for 2018 and what I want to create, what I want to evoke, how I want to be in support of all of you, right? And it's really exciting. And I'm also in a program right now, a podcast program called the E League, led by one of my favorite podcasters, Elsie Escobar, and she has been prompting us to really think about what are the conversations that we want to be having on our show. And when I think about that, when I think about what are the conversations that I want to be having with you, with my guests, it really comes back to minding the gap. I mean, there's a lot of mom bloggers, there's a lot of parent educators, there's a lot of podcasters who are speaking to parents, who talk about the nitty gritty, the tools, right? And I think I do too. Definitely, last week was super informative, and thank you for the feedback that those of you that have shared with me. I always appreciate feedback, and knowing when a conversation has landed, when I think about that gap, I really you know. This is the reason that I went into podcasting, and this is the reason that joyful courage has evolved from simply being my business name so that I could teach positive discipline to something bigger, something bigger. And by bigger, I mean, and you've heard me talk about this, you know, it's all well and good to have the tools, right to have the formula, but when we're in it, when we're in the muck, with our kids, with our partners, with our friends, in the in traffic, we don't have access to those tools always. And so there's that gap between how we show up and how we want to show up. And a lot of times after the fact, you know, head in the hands, we think, oh my gosh, I really screwed that up. Or parent fail big time. Or, you know, fill in the blank for the negative self talk that happens for you, right? And so it's not about being perfect, right? It's not about never yelling at our kids or never, you know, having those parent fails. But it is about if you want it to be different, if you want to show up differently, if you want to change your life, practicing, doing the work, leaning in, choosing Yes, so that you can actually make that happen, right? And what I talk about with you and with my community is how to be intentional. What is your intention? What do you want to bring to your relationships? What are the qualities that you want to evoke in your relationships? What's currently missing in your relationships? And that's a great place to start thinking about, what do I. What could I stretch into that would make a difference in my life and in the life of my family and inside of my relationship? So that's what I'm talking about when I'm saying being intentional. And of course, you know, like for me, it's always a stretch to be playful with my kids, I tend to be kind of the firm, more serious parent, like I'm the one that holds the boundaries. I'm the one that moves things along. That's the role that I've fallen into, that's kind of, that's who I am. I'm a little controlling, as you know, so playful is a really big stretch for me, and it's always helpful. When I can choose into playfulness, I feel more connected to myself. I feel more connected to my family. And so recently, we were having a conversation in the membership, and I realized that I really wanted to land this so sometimes when we think about intention and what we want to bring to our relationships, we think about how we want our kids to feel we want our kids to feel empowered, we want our kids to feel connected, we want our kids to feel seen and heard. But I'm going to bring it back to us, because, you know, we can want, we can want till the cows come home, around around our kids and the experiences of the other people in our life. But really, the only place that we have any influence is in our experience, right? So when we think about intention, we think about presence and calm and connection. We want to bring those call, those qualities, into our body, into our experience, into what we are doing right, because then we are actually inviting it to exist inside the relationship that we have with our family. Does that make sense? So if we want to bring alive feelings of empowerment, the first place we need to go is to ourselves. You know, in every moment is an ideal opportunity to bring to life our intention, right, empowerment, surrender, trust. Those are all intentions that I've definitely played with. Trust and surrender are two big ones for me right now. And when I'm stuck in my oh my gosh, blah, blah, blah, they just don't want to listen, or she's so moody, or why doesn't he just do it like this? You know, those are the moments that are calling for my intention, and that's why it's so important to grow in our awareness of dropping into the present moment. This is why all of my clients love you guys. Love you gals. All of my clients are hearing me tell them that they should start meditating. I mean, it's almost it kind of feels funny to me now because I'm like, Well, you know what I'm gonna say, right? Meditating, stillness, having a practice that brings you back out of the automatic pilot, out of the Crazy Train, out of that like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, poor me, if they would just whatever the conversation is that you are having. Meditation grows the muscles that helps us come back to okay, what's actually happening in this present moment, what's happening, not what's happening with them, my child or my partner or my friends, what's happening with me, right? So first starting with you, because once you can shift yourself into in that present moment, then you're more available to support other people, right? And here's what I've noticed lately. So you all know, I've got a 12 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. What I'm noticing lately is that my kids really throw out bids all the time, right? And the mischief that shows up the ways that they're kind of like, well, I call it a lob, like, I think about, you know, a softball throwing one of those, like, really high arching balls, or even, like a bocce ball, because they're nice and heavy, and you throw them up so that they land. So I've been getting a lot of lobs from my mostly from my daughter, and it feels like I'm just going to toss this out at you and see how you react, and sit back and watch the show. So it's really awesome for me. So the first thing that's important is for me to recognize what she's doing when she's doing it, to recognize that there's a hit. So it might sound like. You know what, I don't think I want to go to college. Or it might sound like, you know what, I don't really want to work that hard at school,

you know? Or, you know what? Fill in the blank for something that's going to trigger you and launch you into any kind of tirade around what you don't know what you want, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? So she throws these lobs at me, and I noticed that it's like, oh, it's like a, it's, it's, well, it's not always like a punch to the gut, but it's definitely a shove, kind of like a, what are you going to do with that kind of moment? And you know, every opportunity is, every lob is an opportunity for me to be like, Huh, okay, what's going on here, right? And so I have just been practicing, like, Hmm, tell me more about that, right? Just as a way to hand that lob back to her right and let her explore and exchange. And, you know, usually it diffuses, and I haven't been hooked. Sometimes the behavior that shows up, maybe it's a bad mood or some snarky comment. Sometimes it's simply that our kids are holding uncomfortable energy, right? There's something going on with them and it's hard to hold and they really need us to hold it for them. And so rather than saying like, Hey, I'm really worried or I'm really sad or I'm really mad and I just want to get rid of this, can you hold on to this for a minute for me, rather than doing that, they turn to us and are hurtful or angry or, you know, showing up not well for us, and then we get hooked into that energy, and then, you know, and then we're holding it, but we don't realize that we're holding it when we're holding it, that it just becomes like, Ah, my kid is so difficult, or there's so much defiance going on, or teen angst has taken over. Or, you know, my five year old is, you know, has anger management problems, or whatever we decide to whatever meaning we decide to make as we receive that energy from our child, dropping again into the present moment and recognizing, huh, something's happening with my child right now, and they simply can't hold this energy, and they're passing it to me that helps us to stay in a place of compassion and empathy, right When we can recognize what's happening when it's happening. You

and that also includes so for some of our younger Well, our youngers and our olders, you know, development shows up, right? Those of you that are out there with young, young kids, toddlers, and all they want to do is move and play and explore and take all the books off the shelf and stand on the table and jump off the couch and do all those things that make you crazy all day long, right? That's another place where we get hooked, right? We take it personally. How I told you not to jump on the or stand on the table. I have funny pictures of Ian. He would get the first thing he did, he'd get up every morning, and he'd climb on the chair, and then I'd look over, and there he was. He'd be standing on the kitchen table with his hands on his hips, with a big old satisfied smile on his face. Not because hahaha, look what I can do, but more of like, hahaha, wow. Look what I can do, right? And so rather than exhausting myself with telling him not to do that, the first thing I did every morning for a while was take all the chairs out of the kitchen and put them out like literally put them outside, right? So development shows up, and it's something that can hook us sometimes, something that can hook us sometimes. So that's the other piece too. Is recognizing, hey, my child, what's happening developmentally for my child right now is louder than the boundaries and the expectations that I keep saying over and over again, and as our friend Julieta says, toddlers are relentless, right? They need to test, test, test. And guess what? So are teenagers. So look forward to that. So, yeah, so the other thing I wanted to talk to you about today was also something that you'll notice I have a new little entry into the podcast where I talk about listening, acceptance and courage, all right, so listening, listening is so underrated, right? I mean, I can't tell you every time I start a parent class and ask for what are some of the current challenges every time parent. Say my kids won't listen, my kids can't won't listen, won't listen, won't listen. Ignore me, right? So listening is a big deal. We really want our kids to listen, and the place to start with helping them and supporting them and listening is leveling up our listening, right? Leveling up our listening. So what that means is, when we are listening to others, listening to what is being said, listening to what isn't being said, paying attention to body language, all of those things, actively listening, right? Listening to understand instead of to fix or convince otherwise. This is a big one, especially as your kids get older. So listening is a tool. Listening is a skill that we can develop when we are intentional about how we listen, but also it's not just about listening to our kids. It's also about listening to us, listening to ourselves, getting still and listening to our inner voice. Our inner voice is not the one that we hear all the time. It's not the ego, it's not the self, you know, it's not the self talk that can railroad us, but it's the voice that is deeper. I like to think about inner voice as my soul's voice. And, you know, paying attention, paying attention to what's happening deep inside of us, right? So there's that surface voice, right? That talks, that has all sorts of stories about ourselves, about our families. You know, nobody cares. They're so entitled. Everybody's disrespectful. Nobody listens to me, right? So, yes, that voice exists. And something that I really like by The Work of Byron Katie, she has this whole system around this, and she, I'll put a link to her work in the show notes, but she meets the inner voice with a question called, is it not the inner voice? Sorry, the ego, the surface voice. Is it true? So the story that you're currently telling about yourself or your children, right? I can't do this. I don't matter. This is too hard. Is it true? You know? And then what's the evidence? And then flipping that statement, I can do this. I am worthy. Is that true, and where's the evidence? And here's the cool thing about finding evidence, if you're looking for evidence, you'll always find it, right? You'll always find it. So you know, if we're deciding how we're going to feel about ourselves, if we're deciding whether or not we can handle, whether or not we can cope with what's happening, and we're going to make the meaning either way. Why not choose into Yeah, I I've got this, I can handle this. And then look for evidence for that, because you'll find it. You're doing it, no matter who you are out there and how hard it feels you are surviving, right? You are getting up every morning. You're turning on this podcast. You're making time to listen. I'm not worried about you. You're going to be okay, because you're already showing that you are okay, right? And acceptance, accepting that this is where you're at right now, right noticing that when the urgent or the frantic energy shows up and it can and it railroads us and it spins us out. But unless there's an emergency, unless you literally need to, you know, save someone, it's not helpful that urgent, frantic energy. So I'm gonna just finish up today and leave you with a tool, and it's actually something that I'm writing about in the book that I'm writing. It's crazy to say that out loud, and it's the three B's breath body balcony, right? So when you start to feel that, that urgent, frantic energy, and it can happen, you know, it happens when we're trying to corral toddlers. It happens when our teenagers, you know, throw us the shade, and we start to, you know, think that they're going downhill fast. It shows up, right? It shows up when we've had it. But unless there's an emergency, it is never going to be helpful. So as you start to notice that urgent, frantic energy, here's what I want you to remember, three B's first is noticing your breath and and, you know, often. And we'll be told, like, just take 10 deep breaths. Okay, cut. Let's come back to intention, right? So great if 10 deep breaths helps you, but let's take some intentional breaths. And by breath, I mean feeling it come into your body. So let's do it together, like inhaling that life, giving nourishing oxygen, right now into your body, noticing what it feels like as it fills you up right noticing how it feels going down your down your throat, through your nose, into your lungs and then exhaling, being in contribution, right? Being in contribution with our breath. So finding our breath and just focusing our on our breath for a little bit, right? Coming into our body, letting our breath take us into our body. That's the second B body, paying attention to what's currently happening. Typically, when we're in urgent, frantic energy, we are we're coiled up. We're ready for a fight. Our shoulders are up and in, and everything's tight. So as you use your breath to locate your body, also shift your posture right, find find your shoulders and pull them back and down, feel your feet on the floor, release the tension, right? Finding Your body is the second B, and then from that place, taking a balcony seat, right? Meaning energetically, step out of your situation. So you can look at it instead of from it. Because when we're in it, right, when we're in it, it's really hard to see solutions. It's really hard to see like, oh, right, this would be a great place to use that parenting tool that I learned about from that great article or blog post I just read. Right when you're in it, it's hard to access when you're when you step out of it and you're looking at it, there's more possibility available for you, right? So taking that balcony seat, the three B's, breath body balcony, accepting where you're at, recognizing it as an opportunity to practice looking for solutions, right? And then finally, you know, I really invite all of you into Courage.

Courage, the conversation around courage, is one that is important to me, and we should all be talking about it, because to say, I don't like how things are going. I'm not feeling good as a parent, and I want to try something different. That is courageous, right? Anytime we say yes into something different, we are dropping in to courage. And if you're feeling uncomfortable, that's your intuition knocking at your door. So be courageous and and start to listen to that inter intuition. It's courageous to trust, right? And when we talk about positive discipline, when I train positive discipline classes with parents and teachers, one of the things that we say a lot is trust the process right choosing into parenting from a place of relationship and building life skills and letting go of those outside influences like consequences and rewards or punishment, I should say, and rewards. That's courageous, and it's long term parenting, it's long term humaning, right? So, so having the courage to trust the process, having the courage to trust that the people in your life want their best life too, trusting that when we allow for space for our people, they're going to be able to make decisions for themselves versus against the other person. This is something that came up on a call last night around being consistent with firmness, and my question to the parent was, are you giving in because, hey, you know what? Tonight, it's fine. Let's have two cookies. Or are you giving in because you want to avoid a meltdown, right? So consistency making decisions because we want to make that decision, or making decisions because we want to avoid something else, and the more that we can do that, the more that we can model that and hold space for that for our kids. Does that make sense? Because ultimately, like going back to that lob right when my kids have some uncomfortable feelings going on and they want to get rid of it, or if they don't want to feel response. Stability, right? And then, and so I take it on, and then they get mad at me, or they go out. You know, when we hold the reins really tight and they go out and they make really bad choices, because it's hahaha, look what I can do. They're not choosing for themselves. They're choosing against us, right? So we have to trust them. We have to trust them and give them space to choose for themselves. And surrender as an intention is huge, right? Surrender. Let it go. Be an acceptance. Be courageous. And listen, I am in no way sitting here pretending that this parenting gig is easy, right? It's messy, and we're going to make loads of mistakes along the way. However, I'm also not going to wallow in how hard it is. My intention is to evoke empowerment, both in myself as I sit here behind the mic, and also in you, because you can do hard things, and I can do hard things, you can learn new ways of being. You can build strong relationships with the people that you love. And you don't have to have all the answers. In fact, you don't have all the answers, so let's just practice some acceptance around that you are on this journey with your children, with your partners, with your friends, with your families of origin, and they actually hold a lot of the answers that you're searching for. So let them discover those answers, and also see that every interaction that you have with them is actually an opportunity for you to choose into your own practice. What are those relationships calling for you to do? What are those relationships calling for you to be? So I know that some of you that are listening are really underwater right now and feeling defeated and hopeless. Maybe you're in the throes of the early years and again, just trying to corral those toddlers. Maybe you're like me, confronted by the new and exciting challenges of the teen years. It can feel scary, and I get it. You.

But remember that all of this is temporary. In the end, kids that know that they are loved, who feel deeply connected to their parents, who know without a doubt that they matter and that they have influence on their life, they're going to be just fine. And you know those kids, those kids typically have parents who know that they are loved, who feel deeply connected to themselves and their family, and who know without a doubt that they matter and that they have influence over their lives. So be a model for that. One of the most important things you can do as a parent is take care of you and a commitment to the practice that I mentioned above, breath, body balcony, declaring an intended way of being and bringing it alive in your parenting. This is what will support you in those hot moments. All right, and know that I'm here to help, as are others, when you need support along the way, we all need support, right? We all need that small circle of people that we can put on speed dial and reach out to when we're really in it. So find your people, and it's okay if they're online. It's okay if they're not in your immediate community. Find your people. All right, yeah, I get super inspired to come in here and do these solo shows for you, because you inspire me. And this is my mission. This is my life work, and I'm just really grateful that you listen right. I'm really grateful that you are going back and listening to other shows that you are letting me know that some of these shows you're listening to more than once, you're sharing Thank you. I'm grateful for you, and I've been talking the last few weeks about 2018 and the leveling up, that joyful courage is going to be engaging in. And really what that's about, to me, is making the biggest impact that I can on parents and families and ultimately, the world, while also making an impact on my family and what I can contribute in my family. So yeah, it's really exciting to me, because I know that I'm here to do really important work, and I know that what I create makes a difference in your life. You let me know and in the lives of others. So the very first thing I'm going to tell you about, which is kind of huge for 2018 is the membership so you've heard me this past year talk about the membership program and the parents that are a part of it, and some of the themes and conversations that we've had, they've come up on the podcast. Well, I am dialing in 2018 and it's going to look a little bit different. The membership begins whenever you are ready to start. So the membership is will be available to you on whatever day you say yes to it, and the content, you'll always start at the beginning. So this last year, the gals and the dads that started in January, got the January content and were with me from January on. If you started in June, you know you, you got some files from the earlier months, but really you started in June. And so now this year, what I'm going to do is, no matter when you start, you'll start with that very first month, and the very first month is perspective. And so you'll get a webinar, you'll get weekly emails, you'll get access to the community Facebook page, and you'll be invited into two group coaching calls a month with me. Super exciting, and that will carry on. And the the choices that you have around the membership is you can either say yes for a six month or a 12 month membership. Those are your choices, and really exciting for the next 15 days. So this first half of December, the memberships, either the six month or the 12 month membership, are available for 15% off the price. So I want you to really think about that, and I want you to really think about how you might want to invest and elevate your parenting practice in 2018 because if you're ready to go, if you're ready to roll, if you're ready to take all of this content, all of this conversation that we've been having on the podcast, and really apply it in a deeper, more powerful way in your parenting. This is a amazing investment for you. It's an amazing investment. And with the holidays coming up, isn't it the perfect time to invest in you? I mean, I know that you're out there buying presents for your people, right? And this gift, this membership, this yes to growing and expanding who you are as a parent, this is a gift for your family as well. Joyful courage.com. Backslash, living, dash, JC, and the reason I call it living, joyful courage, that's the name of the program. Is because I really want to support you in taking, like I said, everything that you know in your heart to be true and viable and possible. I want you to take that and live it in your life. I want you to live joyful courage in your life. So head over there, head over there and again for the next 15 days, you have the opportunity to get in on the membership program at a discounted rate. So I want you to check it out. Any questions that you have, feel free to reach out to me at Casey, at joyful courage.com, or pardon me, send me a message on social media. I'm here to answer all your questions, and I would just so love to support you in this powerful way in 2018 and take this parenting jam and really kick it up a notch.

The other thing I want to remind you of is the shop, the joyful courage shop. I've got daily intention cards, right? Love those. If you haven't checked those out, go check them out. Go to joyful courage.com and click shop in the navigation bar, and it'll take you there. So I've got intention cards where you can pick up a daily intention every day. Just this morning, I pulled a card, be firm. Yikes. Be firm. I'm kind of the firm one anyway, but I'm going to practice firm while also connected to myself and my kids today. The other thing you'll find there are these beautiful mantra bracelets, right? The intention bracelets, bracelets that say, pause, breathe, trust, surrender and kindness right as as reminders, as wearable reminders of what you want to bring more of into your life. Go over to the joyful courage shop. Check that out might be great gifts for people that you love in your life. Life. Hello, hello. It's the holidays, so I know you're buying gifts, so that might be those might be great gifts for your people. So go check them out. And I'm really excited to come back to you next week with a brand new show, an interview show. So stick around. Well, don't stick around, but stay tuned for that and yeah. Big thanks to all of my supporters out there, all my listeners. Big, thanks to Chris Mann at pod shaper for making sure that this audio always sounds good to you when you're ready to listen to a podcast. So big. Thanks to you, Chris and my friends. I will see you. I will see you next week. I'm so grateful for you. Have a beautiful, beautiful weekend. Love on your kids, love on each other, and we'll be together again soon.