Eps 117: Solo show – A Bit About Choosing in, Being Kind and Firm, Making Agreements and Following Through

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Hey everybody. Casey here, I just wanted to pop in real quick before the start of the show to again say thank you to all of you who show up every week and listen into the show and let me know how it lands for you. I really, really appreciate your feedback and your support and your willingness to share, we have the most amazing community, and I'm just so honored to to know you all and to be able to serve you in the way that I do. So thank you. Joyful courage. Parenting podcast episode 117

you Hey everybody,

welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and information on the conscious parenting journey. I am your host, Casey overti. I am a positive discipline trainer and parent coach and a participant on this crazy journey called parenting. As you know, I am the mother of a 11 year old son who's in sixth grade. Oh my bad. He's 12. Now. Just happened a couple days ago, 12 year old son and a 14, going on, 25 year old daughter, and I'm with you. I'm with you in this journey. I'm with you in the muck. I'm with you in the highs. I'm with you in the lows. You are my people. And yeah, and I'm just honored to get to serve you each and every week through this podcast. If you find yourself listening in today and feeling like yes, yes, yes, this is landing for me. If you are laughing, if you are feeling camaraderie with the things that I'm sharing, please pick one person this week to dial in a subscription to the podcast. This is a free resource that I get to offer to the community, and your sharing helps my work grow and expand, and I think that without you, I wouldn't be making the impact that I'm making. So I would really appreciate any shares. Always, always, always love your feedback, and looking forward to hearing about what you think about today's show. So listen in. Okay, hi. So some of you have been following along with my teenage saga, right? The teen drama, the teen experience, is like no other I found myself saying over and over again, it's like, remember when you were pregnant and you read all the pregnancy books, right? Maybe you took birth classes, and you knew your plan, you knew what you wanted, so it was you were good to go, and then you were actually in labor, and the feeling was, oh my god, what is going on? This isn't how I thought it was gonna be, or whatever your thought process was, like, this isn't the plan. This wasn't what's supposed to happen. Oh my gosh. So that is really the best metaphor that I can use for my own experience of moving into this high school life with my daughter. It definitely feels like what the hell is going on right now? This is crazy, and the pendulum swing happens so fast, the highs, the lows, that teen brain that experiences everything so intensely, right? And if you listened in a couple of weeks ago, you heard me share just about trust and surrender and what it means to be in relationship, what it means to Gosh, to witness, to hold space for to support our kids when maybe what they're doing we're not super excited About right? I got a lot of feedback from people, both through the podcasts and just in the conversations that I'm having, a lot of people just acknowledging, Hey, Casey, you have a relationship with her. This is so great. Celebrate that. And yes, I am celebrating that. I am totally celebrating that I'm also doing my own work around breath and being with fear and not letting it grip me into rigidity. And it's a daily practice, right? It's a daily practice. And I wanted to speak into a couple things today that I've said before, but it's just really, you know, you can't hear the same thing. You know enough times, sometimes, right? Like, I just think that there are some things to remember specifically around this work that we have, this opportunity, that we have around parenting. So many of you have heard me say, I. That, you know, our children are our teachers. I believe that they picked us specifically to teach us and to evolve us as human beings. We as adults, we as parents don't always don't know what we don't know. We as humans, we don't know what we don't know. And then we find ourselves, you know, facing off with these little people that grew inside of us and people that we've nurtured and loved, people that we care about on like, a deeper level than anybody could believe possible, right? And and their their way of being invites all of our stuff to the surface, stuff that we didn't even know existed in us, right? Does anybody know what I'm talking about here? And then in that place, we get to choose how we respond. We get to choose what we do with that. And you know, it's and it's, it's daily work. And I think that sometimes we can become frustrated or resentful or just plain exhausted by the daily requirement of showing up and being authentic and being grounded and centered, and shifting our way of being to hold space for these children that we have, but at the end of the day when we can remember that they are operating on, you know, wherever they are, developmentally limited skills. You know, for the those of us living and loving teenagers or adolescents, there's actually a pruning process that happens in the brain while, you know, when they go through their school age years, it's, you know, they're like their brains like a sponge, and they gather all this information, and then as they move into adolescence, there's a pruning process, and parts of the brain are developing at different rates. Parts of the brain are being left behind because they're not using it. It's just like a whole, like a remodel, right? It's a remodel of their brain. And so sometimes I know from my experience and the experience of my clients, were left standing there thinking, What is going on? What are they thinking? Why can't they see my point of view? How dare they like we get into all of our stuff, right, all of our judgment and criticism around our child, without taking into account that they have limited life experience that they have developing skills and they have a brain, you know, that's got its own timeline. It's got its own timeline. So when I say that parent, parenthood is like the never ending personal growth and development workshop, I really mean that we can choose in you know, we can be in resistance. I mean, you are the boss of you, right? You're the boss of you. You can listen to me talking here, and you can be like, this is a bunch of BS. Kids need to do what they're told and follow the rules, and I don't have to change. They need to just listen. And guess what? That's your choice. That's your prerogative, and I'm not here to change your mind. I am here to offer another perspective, which is when we notice resistance showing up, when we notice our own pain and suffering coming to the surface, when we notice that we're in a place where we want to make our kids pay for how they're making us feel when we feel hurt by our children and we want to react that's an amazing place to get curious and to decide to question ourselves and like, what's coming up for me, and how can I grow in this moment? Because life is both short and long, right? And we've got to be here for a reason. And some of you who are listening, you know,

I didn't grow up with church, and I kind of have my own piece together ideas around purpose and faith and God and you know, there's and to me, it makes sense that there's a reason for this journey. There's a reason that the people that come into our lives come into our lives. There's a reason for particular themes to continuously be showing up. I feel like there are signs all around us, aware around where we need to be going, where we need to be focusing what we could be learning, right? And if and I want to live a life where I'm paying attention to that, so that I can evolve to the next place, so that I can be that my fullest human potential. And I absolutely believe that our. Children are here to help us, to guide us, right, to guide us. Even as even as we are guiding them and modeling for them, right, even as we are models for them, they're really showing us some stepping stones, some areas where we might want to pay attention and grow, because, guess what? I'm 44 years old, and I got a lot to learn, right? There is a lot going on inside this head, inside this body, and when I'm choosing in which I do as often as I can, when I choose into growth and learning. I can shift my experience. I can shift the experience that my children are having, and I'm modeling like we give lip service to lifelong learning. Okay, lifelong This is it, right? How do you grow and develop inside of your parenting practice? Because that is lifelong, lifelong learning. That is where we can make significant shifts and and live a more connected and peaceful life. Not to say that living with children is peaceful all the time, because that's, you know, that's the thing. It's an it's a daily practice. It's a daily choosing in and it can feel exhausting, and it can feel like we are, you know, well, why do we have to be the ones to change? Why do we have to be paying attention and not go on automatic pilot when other people around us are so unaware and unconsciously moving through the world, like, yeah, we can spend time in that conversation, or you can, you can spend time in that conversation, but ultimately, you know, it's, it's, it's that age old saying, right? You can only change yourself. You can't change the people around you. You can only change yourself and and we are making meaning all the time. And I think I've said this before on the podcast, we're meaning making machines. And why not like if I can design my life, if I can decide how I'm going to respond to somebody, why not decide on something that feels centered and good and positive? Because that's the kind of life that I want to live. I don't want to live a life where I'm angry and resentful and feeling like a victim. I want to live a life where I'm feeling connected, I'm feeling love, and I get to choose that. And the most important time to choose that is when everything is falling apart around me. And guess what? When I choose that, it actually changes the experience of the people who I'm interacting with. It might not make a drastic difference in the outcome, but in my outcome, right? It makes a drastic difference when I can live through an experience with my kids and not feel shitty about the way I handled it. Hey. Great, right? Great, yeah. And so the other thing, like an example of this, is I have picked up, and I think I mentioned this before, I've picked up the positive discipline for teenagers, book which I've read before, right? I read before. I don't know why I bothered reading it before I had a teenager. I think I wanted to feel more confident when I was facilitating parents who had teenagers, so I read it. And now having a teenager and being in this work reading it is like, Oh, it's so good. It's so helpful, It's so reassuring. And because, like I mentioned a couple episodes ago, it can feel really wobbly, like the mistakes our kids make can rock our foundation and what we believe to be true about ourselves and the way that we've parented and we question and we get nervous and afraid. So it's been really great to open up positive discipline for teenagers and to read it, and to read it, and I'm just going to keep it out, because I have a feeling that I'm going to read it many times. And one of the pillars of positive discipline is being kind and firm at the same time. And I, I feel like this is, it's like one of it's like the onion, right? Like there's continuously we're peeling back layers around. What does that mean? We know what it means to be kind, right? And in parenting class, we talk about how kindness only is really permissive, and we know how to be firm. And again, that extreme firmness only is that authoritarian style right my way or the highway. But then there's this place of kind and firm. And kind doesn't mean nice. Kind doesn't mean sugar candy, you know, sugar coated like, oh, you know, kind means connected. And kind is, I see you and I hear you and and you have value. Firm is I also respect myself in this situation. Uh, and, you know? So those two things simultaneously are really the foundation, one of the foundational pieces of using positive discipline as a parenting philosophy. And we don't always. We're not always in kindness and firmness at the same time, all the time, right? We kind of talking about a pendulum swing. We tend to waffle sometimes between the permissive and the firm. Some of us are more comfortable in one place or the other. Some of us are more comfortable like when we're triggered, when I'm triggered, when I feel backed up against the wall, I go rigid, I go firm. It's a hard No, right, and I know that about myself. So in those situations where there's a question or a conversation, I really have to request time and space to really tease out what the question really means, which is super annoying to my teenager, but it's what it's it actually gets us closer to what she wants anyway, because I can have a broader opportunity for processing right, so kindness and firmness. So one of the things, one of the tools that we talk a lot about in positive discipline, I've even done some podcasts about it, is around making agreements. Right? We make agreements with our kids. We co create agreements, which is really, really important. I you know, in my experience, and the experience that many of the parents that I've worked with have had is an agreement sounds like the parents saying what the child will do, and then the question is, do you agree? And typically they say yes, because they're like, get away. Yes, fine, whatever, and then they don't follow through, right? So when we talk about agreements with in positive discipline, it's really an opportunity to get into our child's world, to hear what their needs are around a particular topic, right? And so for example, at our house, at our last family meeting, the chores have just been so lax, and we expect our kids to contribute. They get an allowance. Contributions are not tied to allowance. However, a certain level of respect and responsibility is what you know, we hold that

against the privilege that they're making so or that they're receiving, which is that they get to have an allowance, and it's very, um, it's kind of slippery right there, but, you know, it's a, it's a family meeting conversation that we have a lot of. And so we came up with a plan. And I really, really, I'm a micromanager, so I really let go of what the plan needed to look like. And my daughter, you know, we've decided on the what the chores could look like. And then she said, I said, Well, you know, one of the pieces of making an agreement is having a deadline. And I have not been firm around this in the past. And so having a deadline, you know, was really important to me by when, and I knew when I wanted the buy one to be, and I let it go. And she said, I'll have the chores done by 830 I said, Okay, great. Or sooner, right? And she was like, Yeah, or sooner. And so last night, you know, I'm watching the clock and it's ticking by, and she's upstairs, and the piece about agreements that is really important is one, knowing that our kids are kids, and they probably won't follow through on the agreement. And instead of taking that personally, seeing it as a character flaw, how dare they? We did all this agreement stuff like, why aren't they bought in Right? Which is, honestly, I've been going there the instead of that, like, knowing kids are kids, and this is probably going to happen, and then it's up to us to follow through. And the follow through sounds like, what was our agreement? And then they get to, what was our agreement. So I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do what I preach, right? I'm gonna, I'm gonna step into this tonight and find my my roots and find my center. And I went upstairs. I was so excited that she didn't do her chores so that I could practice. And I went upstairs and I said, Hey, it's 830 What was our agreement around chores? And she said, Oh, I didn't do any and I I said, No, and what was our agreement? And she said that I'd have them done by 830 I said, Yeah, great. And she got up and she went downstairs, and it was like the first time in so long that it didn't feel gross. It didn't wasn't a storming, strong arming kind of threatening experience. It was really her being like, Okay, I'll go do it. And she did it and she did it. Yay. We made another agreement about her phone, which. Hello. Anyone who has a child with a cell phone knows how annoying the struggle is, right and right we had been. The rule was nine o'clock plugged in in my room, and I would get really bent out of shape when she flexed that nine o'clock. It's just this ongoing blah, blah, blah. She says, I want you to let me manage it. And I said, I love you, and I'm not comfortable with no boundary. And she said, Okay. She said, What about 930 I said, Okay, we can, we can try it for a week. She said, and what about I plug it in outside my in the hallway. And I said, Okay, we'll try it for a week. And last night, without anything from me, she got up, she plugged it in in the hallway. It happened. Will it be this seamless every night for the rest of our lives together? Probably not, but I'm really feeling my strength, my firmness in the follow through and and it's, you know, sometimes I think kind and firm is read as, oh, I need to be nice while I deliver a consequence. And that's not what it's about, right? Because, as you heard, the only consequence that comes up, especially like with the chores thing and she hadn't done it was I'm gonna hold you to what you agreed to.

That's the firmness I'm gonna show up, not as a raging mom, which, believe me, she lives inside of me. But I'm going to show up and say, Hey, we agreed to this. We're trying it for a week. What was our agreement, and press her to follow through. So that is, that's what I wanted to share today. That's what I wanted to share today. And I really want to invite you, because I think sometimes, like the whole process of making agreements is is so powerful, and we invite them in, and there's all these skills that happen. So making agreements isn't necessarily about the problem that we solve. It's about all of those skills getting to be practiced. And I just want to say over and over, try it for a week. Let's try this for a week, right? You try it for a week. You decide, Was this helpful? Was this not helpful? How could we tweak it? What would work? What am I okay with? What are you okay with? What is the situation calling for. So you're in this kind of regular conversation around some of these things that we need to problem solve. Because if we're looking for a solution that's going to work from today till forever, it just doesn't exist. And sometimes we the kids, will come up with solutions that do last for a long time, but every solution has a shelf life. And I think as soon as we can stop being so irritated that they don't follow through the way that we want them to, the more power that we have, and the more we can see, oh, this is an opportunity, actually, for me, to show what it looks like to follow through and following through from a really level headed, connected place and respectful place. Yeah, so that's, that's what I got for you today. What do you think about that? I would love to hear about the agreements that are helpful in your house, any any places where you're feeling like you could use an agreement. Family meetings are a powerful place for for making agreements with our kids. They are not the only place by any means. So I'm hoping that you have a good family meeting practice, and if you don't, just to let you know I do have a six part email course that guides you in setting up a family meeting so that by the end of the six weeks, your family is in the practice in the process, really clear on purpose and connection, and I would love to share that with you. So if that's something that you're interested in head on over to joyful courage.com/family-meeting-e, course, and you will find everything that you need to sign up to be a part of that. And this is an on demand course, which means that as soon as you sign up, you'll start getting emails, and every month, every week, you'll get a different email with support, content, questions to things to consider based on your children's age and your family structure. I really think that you'll love it. So if family meetings have been on your. Mind and something that you really want to be intentional and thoughtful and rolling out. Check out that course again, the link is joyful courage.com/family-meeting-e. Course. Check it out. Hey, where are my Instagrammers? How are you? Oh, I'm waving. I'm waving to you. Hi. Hi, everybody that follows me on Instagram. If you follow me on Instagram, then you have been seeing my stories about the daily intention card. So I'm super excited. I have a couple other products that are going to be rolling out over the month of November, but today, I wanted to bring your attention again to these amazingly sweet little decks, deck, deck of cards. The cards are whoops are designed to support you in practicing being the parent that you want to be to practice conscious parenting on a really intentional level. So each card has a different intention on it, things like Be kind, encourage and power. Find humor, find grace, be tender. There's all there's 31 cards. And the reason there's 31 cards is because there's 31 days in a month, typically. And so you can pull a new card every day of the month to be practicing as far as ways of being goes. You can invite your family to pull cards and to practice those ways of being. You can you can do whatever you want with these cards. They are designed with love for you. Design with love for you. And so I would love for you to check them out. Maybe it's something that you're going to want to buy, and they're going quick so you can check them out and get your own cards, your own deck at joyful courage.com/intention, cards, all one word. Joyful courage.com/intention, cards, all one word. I'm going to have links to both the family meeting, e course, and the intention cards in the show notes. So if you couldn't get that down, just check the notes and you can get yourself all dialed in. All right, all dialed in.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for showing up each week and listening to my show and offering me thoughts and ideas and feedback. If you are not already in the live and love with joyful courage. Facebook group, get over there. We need you. We're holding space for you. It's a place for support, for celebration, for requests, for offers. It's It's where I play with the community, and yeah, it's just a really safe, positive, thoughtful place online for parents, it's our own little party. So head on over to live in love with joyful courage. Facebook page, you will see that there are a few questions. Please just answer the questions. And it's just a way for me to screen to make sure that the people that want to join in, know that know what they're joining and I'd love to have you. I'd love to have you some come on over and play with us. Over there. You can also find me the joyful courage business page on Facebook, like I mentioned earlier, I'm on Instagram. I'm also on Twitter. Is anyone else on Twitter? I am on there. It's not often, but mostly you can find me on Facebook and Instagram, you can always shoot me a private message or an email at Casey, at joyful courage.com, I'd love to hear from you and just really feeling a lot of gratitude for this community, a lot of gratitude for the fact that parenting is a collective journey. It's a collective journey, and I know that we all have our own individual flavors. Our families all have their own individual flavors. But really, this is something we're all doing together, and I'm finding time and time again, especially as I move into parenting an adolescent and a teenager, that it truly does take a village, and the village is not for the kids, the village is for the parents. So let joyful courage be your village. Thank you. Chris Mann, my producer, I so appreciate you. Thanks for being on the team. Thanks for making sure that the show sounds really good. You're awesome. And I will be back. I will be back next week with Tasha shore, we're going to talk about boys and all of the stuff that's happening right now in the media around me too, and consent and, yeah, it's a juicy one. You're going to like it, so tune in, and I'll see you then