ShareFive Things to Remember in the Tough Moments with Kids
Nannying is undoubtedly the best job I’ve ever had. I truly love nannying. Nonetheless, there are still tough days with kids, and more frequently, tough moments. The best nannies and the sweetest kiddos still have conflict, challenges, bad moods, and miscommunication. Here are five reminders that have helped me get through those extra tough moments with my nanny charges.
1. This Will Pass
This is my number one mantra and reminder when I’m with a screaming baby or toddler (or, let’s be real – screaming elementary schooler!) This will pass. Truly – babies don’t cry forever. Tantrums don’t last forever. This job won’t last forever! It might feel like it will in that moment, but it truly will pass. Staying calm during meltdowns is a skill that we can grow, and while it’s challenging, it’s do-able and worth it. Plus, we are in a sweet spot, as nannies, because you probably get to clock out and go home at some point that day! With those things in mind, it’s easier to believe that this challenging moment really will pass.
Another quick reminder: sometimes the hardest phases and worst days end up being the funniest stories and most special memories. I remember plenty of afternoons where my back hurt and a baby was screaming in my ear while I rocked her to sleep for nap, but now that this sweet girl is seven, I’d loooove to go back for one more afternoon nap with her as a baby, even with those tears and the sore back. I’m caring for big, elementary school kiddos right now, and I really, truly miss and look forward to the next time I’ll be back in the mix with bottles, naps, first steps, and starting solids. It can be hard to remember, but I promise – this will all pass!
2. Behavior is Communication
One Positive Discipline reminder (rooted in Adlerian Psychology) that hits me deeply is, “Behavior is Communication.” Instead of worrying about misbehavior, respect, or punishment, we love using the iceberg metaphor of digging deeper and getting under the surface to see what’s really going on. In those most challenging moments, instead of focusing just on challenging behavior, start getting curious. What’s going on behind what we’re seeing? Are you really fighting over broccoli, or is there a sensory issue at play here? Do you need to win a power-struggle about homework, or do you need to take a big step back and let an overloaded kiddo regulate before starting that homework? All behavior is communication. Our awesome adolescent lead, Casey O’Roarty, says, “Q-TIP – quit taking it personally!”
3. Be the Bigger Person
Something I’ll occasionally ask my nanny kiddos is, “Was that helpful or hurtful to say?” That little question is often enough to get them to reflect on what they’ve just said, and sometimes make amends or fix whatever the comment was. I think most nannies are probably familiar with that strategy. But, I wonder, how often are you asking yourself, “Was that helpful or hurtful to say?” I know we always have great intentions, but sometimes our words come out harshly, poorly worded, or simply at the wrong time. Instead of asking my nanny charges that question, I’m more often asking myself, “Danielle – was that helpful or hurtful?” I often need to zip my lips! Luckily, kids are typically super forgiving.
Remember to be the bigger person. We are adults, and we (hopefully!) have many regulating strategies available to us. Children don’t always have a lot of autonomy, and we must be the bigger person, which to me means being the kinder, patient, safe person. We know how to avoid power struggles, we have toolboxes full of coping & calming strategies, and it’s up to us to be supportive while they’re still learning those strategies. They are learning, and let’s choose kindness and we coach them along. It’s an unknown quote, but I love the reminder that, “He’s acting like a child because he IS a child.”
4. Flip a Negative to a Positive
I love this particular strategy. When you find yourself having a hard time with a kiddo, see if there’s somewhere in there you can change perspective a bit and flip a challenge into a benefit. For example, willful children may feel like a real challenge during mealtimes, but consider what a great leader they’ll be someday! A chatterbox kiddo who hasn’t stopped talking to take a breath in the last 45 minutes may be an incredible public speaker someday. A stubborn child will grow up to persistently stick to their principles – that’s great! Is your nanny child shy or are they quietly observant? Is their friend overly-sensitive or are they just really attuned to their feelings?
You can do this for yourself, too! If you find yourself thinking, “I’m such a bad nanny. I didn’t get to the dishes today, and I left a huge mess in the kitchen from our craft.” Try some reframing – “They are so lucky to have a nanny that’s so engaged in play & crafts with their child(ren)!” Or, if you’re like me, maybe you find yourself thinking, “Ugh! I’m driving everyone nuts with my overplanning. I need to chill out.” Maybe you can find a more loving reframe, like, “My nanny family must really appreciate that I’m so detail-oriented and conscientious about what’s coming up.”
5. Everyone is Doing their Best
I truly believe everyone is doing their best. I honestly have to tell myself this over and over during the day, or I’d be such a grouch (especially in traffic)! Kiddos who are struggling are still doing their best. Kiddos who are misbehaving are still doing their best. Nannies who are exhausted and had to rely on extra screen time today are still doing their best. We can cut kids a little slack when we remind ourselves that they’re doing everything they can, just like we are.
One little trick that helps me make sure I’m bringing my best (I’m just a little hesitant to share this one because it feels just a bit embarrassing) is to pretend like I’m hosting a TV show about nannying or Positive Discipline or toddlers – whatever is relevant. I don’t completely role-play, but I do think to myself, “Okay. If I was the host of a show addressing how we handle full-on toddler meltdowns, what would I want to do? Say? What strategies would I pull out that would be the most helpful at this time?” It’s so silly, but I really do find “my best” when I pretend like I have an audience!
Using these suggestions to give you a jumping off point for creating your own list of things to remember in those tough moments!
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